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How do I know what's best for my 7 year old girl

NAS84710

My sparky, fiery girl is 7 and in year 3. She is young for her year with her birthday in the summer. Covid wiped out her last term of reception and a whole term of year 1 too. In Year 2 we noticed bubbling anxiety - taking longer to dress, issues with seams and socks, only wanting to wear certain clothes. This escalated to the point where she just refused to go to school without meltdowns and conflict. School were very supportive. She had time with a play therapist and an ELSA. She had an observation from an educational psychologist who observed she could struggle to settle after transitions and there was some evidence of soothing behaviours - rocking on her chair, a phase of being obsessed with brushing and fiddling with her hair. At its height she was sleeping on the floor of her bedroom in her clothes while we lay in the hallway outside her door. It seemed to come from nowhere. She'd always been gregarious, confident, has a super power for making friends. She was so anxious and unhappy, it was just devastating to see her like that. She wouldn't get dressed or leave the house. It was like she'd suffered a trauma. She had also had covid twice in 4 months at this point and I think was extremely fatigued which made it all worse. I'm concerned this was some kind of autistic shutdown, but everyone we've spoken too tells us she doesn't have the flags or wouldn't meet a threshold. And perhaps I'm elevating mental health and wellbeing with something more like ASD - I just don't know.

This went on from Jan-June and almost as soon as it arrived it disappeared. She was back to loving school again. We considered a diagnostic pathway, but it didn't seem to fit, school said she didn't meet threshold for referral. The therapist (who has an adult autistic daughter who masked at school) said she had no obvious signs or flags of ASD but was clearly anxious, can struggle to regulate emotions and deal with disappointment and she needed gentle understanding and connection. We concentrated on love bombing her basically, building her up. We were nervous about labelling at her age when it seemed to come and go and it wouldn't change anything in terms of the support she gets at school. Academically she's very bright. She loves tonnes of activities - swimming, gym, is always asking to do more. 

She is mostly, a year on, back to herself. She's also had covid AGAIN! and the behaviours came back in part, although not as badly as last time and they've passed fairly quickly. They've mainly shown themselves in big arguments and rudeness around getting ready in the morning and going to bed. Lots of coming into our bed. Fussiness and rigid behaviour particularly around clothes - she will only wear the same ratty t shirt and leggings for weeks on end. If I put it in the wash though she does get over it. She is always going to be strong willed - she can be extremely controlling eg bedtime dad and I have to be with her, we can't go downstairs, she using a tonne of loo roll and still feels wet. She won't wash her hands as she hates them feeling wet. If she washes her hair it takes me 30 mins to dry every strand until it's bone dry. But is it more than her just being a feisty girl? Someone she thought was her best friend didn't invite her to her birthday party and it broke my heart for her and made me concerned about friendships and if social complexities are making it hard for her to connect with people. She's still into dolls and teddies, not fashion or pierced ears and I was delighted about that but sometimes she seems like a little baby compared to her classmates.

I guess I'm just asking for some places to find out more about girls and ASD. What I'm worried about is if we're all now assuming she's fine but she's masking and could crash again. What if she struggles more as she gets older and then we have to wait years for support for her? Or if I push her down a particular route I've been told assessors assume if you're there there is an issue and now diagnosis rates are very high and there is concern not all those diagnosed have ASD but could have other mental health/challenges and then not get the right support.

I love her to distraction and want the world for her and I'm so keen to be her cheerleader and advocate - I just don't know where to go to do that and I don't want to make the wrong decision

Thanks for your time xx

Parents

  • The love and care you have for your daughter shines out of what you’ve written here. It’s great that you are such motivated and supportive parents - in that respect alone your daughter is very fortunate. Also she obviously has lots of strengths - she’s bright, enjoys loads of activities, seems to have friends and enjoy social activities etc? There are certainly quite a few things that do make one think of autism - such as the sensory issues. It’s worth bearing in mind that a lot of children’s mental health has been affected by so many aspects of the pandemic - it’s been a huge upheaval and been very unsettling. Does your daughter talk about her worries and anxieties with you? 
    It’s good that the school are supportive. Do you feel you would like a referral for your daughter? And have you considered talking to your GP about your concerns? Have you considered ADHD as a possibility? 

    My youngest was diagnosed at 10 - but my eldest not until he was 26 - so sometimes autism is undoubtedly missed throughout the school years. 
    I certainly wouldn’t rule autism out if I were in your shoes. The main thing ultimately - more than any label - is that you work out strategies to help your daughter with the things she struggles with - and I’m sure you’re already doing that. A diagnosis is valuable but for those of us that have one it is often still in many ways a matter of us helping ourselves and our children through our own strategies that we develop through reasearch and trial and error etc.  However if your daughter needs support in school then a diagnosis is pretty important to access that support (although even then there’s no guarantee they’ll get the help they need). Good luck. 

Reply

  • The love and care you have for your daughter shines out of what you’ve written here. It’s great that you are such motivated and supportive parents - in that respect alone your daughter is very fortunate. Also she obviously has lots of strengths - she’s bright, enjoys loads of activities, seems to have friends and enjoy social activities etc? There are certainly quite a few things that do make one think of autism - such as the sensory issues. It’s worth bearing in mind that a lot of children’s mental health has been affected by so many aspects of the pandemic - it’s been a huge upheaval and been very unsettling. Does your daughter talk about her worries and anxieties with you? 
    It’s good that the school are supportive. Do you feel you would like a referral for your daughter? And have you considered talking to your GP about your concerns? Have you considered ADHD as a possibility? 

    My youngest was diagnosed at 10 - but my eldest not until he was 26 - so sometimes autism is undoubtedly missed throughout the school years. 
    I certainly wouldn’t rule autism out if I were in your shoes. The main thing ultimately - more than any label - is that you work out strategies to help your daughter with the things she struggles with - and I’m sure you’re already doing that. A diagnosis is valuable but for those of us that have one it is often still in many ways a matter of us helping ourselves and our children through our own strategies that we develop through reasearch and trial and error etc.  However if your daughter needs support in school then a diagnosis is pretty important to access that support (although even then there’s no guarantee they’ll get the help they need). Good luck. 

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