4 Year old school refusal - hitting/kicking

That's such an insightful response. Thank you. It's helped me consider how my daughter may be responding to language.

Hi,

When you said this: 

LaceyM119 said:

He has told me he doesn't want to go to school, we're aware that he feels negatively towards it currently.

I want to gently suggest that his animated response to being forced to go somewhere which is Causing him anxiety IS his way of communicating he doesn't want to go. Anxiety is not made up for Autistics. For one, there's several research papers out now showing how potentially we have a lower GABA resistance, which means biologically, we're experiencing it anywhere our senses are being assaulted. Due to a different Salience Network, we sense-perceive environmental factors more accurately and acutely which many Non-Autisitcs are able to filter out. His response is to something which he feels endangered by. Autistic children might not be able to access the specific words you might, and further, they need help using the correct words to describe what they can sense. Language can be utilitarian for us. And we might not become very articulate with it until our 30's or 40's. 

Clearly the school is a stressful and negative environment for him. He might enjoy learning, just not in that place. I'm sure you've encountered places which feel overwhelming or leave you feeling stressed, isolated, singled out but have the ability and freedom to protect yourself from being forced to go. Whether it's a group of cruel individuals who meet up for a knitting afternoon once a week or a loud pub with terrible smells and dominating, drunk individuals. Imagine being subjected to a dangerous environment daily only without the ability to articulate it? 

Support may not 'flip' this. They may be able to ask which individuals he doesn't like or spend time alone with him in a room and test the lighting and acoustics to see if they're causing extreme harm. Making Reasonable Adjustments might mean he needs a quieter space to focus and not feel pressure daily from unaccountable cruelties another child is forcing him to suffer. 

I don't mean to sound intense, but unfortunately, having an ear infection will definitely contribute to feeling trapped and tortured with LEDs or Fluorescents which are buzzing, poorly designed unnatural rooms without proper acoustic treatment and any ruffling/noises which at perceived frequencies sound 'louder' than they actually are.  

A quick remark on this last bit: 

LaceyM119 said:

how can I help him to think about the positives and encourage him to feel confident that school can be a fun place. I know he has MANY good times in school, but he struggles to tell me about his day - typically he won't tell me one thing he enjoys about school so I find it hard to discuss school positively with him when I don't even know what he has done or enjoyed.

Positive thinking can induce a positive state for non-autistics. It's the same mechanism that allows hypnosis and adverts to genuinely work. Non-Autistic or NeuroNormative society is typically 'wired' to think with language, to have an internal dialogue and the lobes responsible for this are hyper-connected. So words can play a role in shaping imagination and create a bit of theatre in daily life. they have a genuine impact and can be used organically and morph reasoning - for the good but also shape how something is perceived, which can be negative. 

Autistics don't think like this. Many might not be able to 'hear' a phrase until they've spoken it out loud. Many think in pictures or formulas and don't have an internal dialogue. Adverts seem strange and pointless. And accessing the right word for what the imagination can 'picture' is sometimes difficult. We often might not use that part of our brain to reason, perceive or even understand. Rather, many of us think in pictures. And we visualise how an exchange between 2 people is happening. We can have a full movie in our head, orchestration and all - but minus the dialogue. If a picture is worth 1,000 words, it can be difficult for us to explain especially if we've not been exposed to a depth and wealth of language which properly describes objects or exchanges. Words can be utilitarian and useful to communicate, but don't have a bearing on how we perceive. 

I would suggest to engage with him in other forms of articulation. Music or mime. Drawing or just dramatic/dance like movement. Charades might be a shout. Perhaps there's a video to help him understand the rules and how he can use it to communicate his day.

We tend to intake information as it is, without judgement of good or bad. But if you feel depleted of a sense of joy, I'd find small ordinary things which you can express gratitude for and perhaps he'll eventually join in. Things which bring a sense of safety and relaxation. These he might be able to indulge your need for this type of connexion, but it could take years. I learned to appreciate the art of expressing gratitude and would practice when my son was young. It took him a long time to catch on, but patience always pays off. I've allowed him to express in his ways, grow at his pace and give him choices (within reason) so he never feels robbed of agency. He's in his 20's and we have an amazing relationship. x