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Seeking some advice to help my in laws

NAS84534
  1. Hi, new to the forum, not entirely sure if I’m posting this on the correct forum or even in the correct place but any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I’m British, married to a Chinese lady living together in China. As mentioned in the title, I’ve joined the forum to get an insight in some possible ways to help my in laws.

    I first met my brother in law 5 years ago when he was around 13 years old, according to my wife, he’d displayed social problems, had strict daily routines and some irrational fears (ie. he’s terrified of people eating fish nearby him in case a bone somehow ends up in his food and he chokes, therefore would have to eat meals at home alone and would barely eat when out.) He had his quirks but would interact with my wife and myself as much as he was comfortable and would regularly leave the house.

    Shortly after this, he point blank refused to go to school again, and no matter how much convincing, coercing and even force from his father, he never returned. Since then, there’s been a steady decline in every aspect of his behavior over the past couple of years, his parents tried to seek medical help for him but to no avail, I fear the autistic spectrum as a whole is not anywhere near as fully understood in China, the doctors basically said he just suffers with anxiety.

    It’s reached the point where now, at 18 years old, he refuses to leave his room at all, I now haven’t seen him for 2 years even though I visit the home regularly. He only eats one meal every other day which has to be prepared and served by his mother or he doesn’t trust it. He has a bucket in his bedroom which he uses as a toilet which has to be emptied regularly. He needs to be bathed by his mother but is extremely paranoid about germs and hygiene so it takes an hour everyday just to even wash his face. He is extremely aggressive towards his mother although, hasn’t showed any violence for years. In the past couple of months he has began talking without opening his mouth and simply mumbling/humming. There are many other symptoms, too many to list them all right now.

    I’m basically asking for some advice to help him as I don’t want to see the young man deteriorate even further. Aside from this, he relies solely on my mother in law to care for him, refuses anyone else, she’s now getting into her late 60’s, getting 3 hours sleep a night, unable to leave the house and starting to feel her own physical and mental health going down.

    Sorry for such a long post! Any and all help us appreciated.

  • That sounds like a very challenging situation, and not one I would be sure how to deal with, but I'll give it a try.

    1. Does he speak any English? I suspect the local doctors lack of knowledge would be a real challenge in getting autistic related support, but you may be able to get some UK/US specialists to help via Zoom / Skype if there is a shared language.

    2. Is there any other carer that can spend much time with him and has a degree of trust? I think the age and health of his mother is a bit of a ticking time bomb.

    3. Have you thought through the likely situations that could occur if the mother is incapacitated? Unpleasant as that sounds, it is always worth thinking through in detail so you can at least prepare yourself mentally in advance and have any contacts / services ready in the worst case scenarios.

    4. I would suggest asking your wife if she would like to speak to a therapist as this is almost certainly causing her some stress, and as she is the person most directly affected outside the mother/son pair then it she may benefit from this. Maybe also consider some therapy yourself if you are feeling the stress from the situation.

    5. Are there any other family members? Maybe it would be good to speak to them and find out their views.

    6. Familiarise yourself with the care system locally as best you can. If the likelihood is for him to end up in social care then it would be useful to know what that looks like and costs.

    7. Is there a chance for a full time carer? Is this a cost you would have to shoulder or could the family contribute? No need to share the details obviously.

    It is a tough situation you find yourself it and I hope you and your family find a way to improve things for everyone involved.