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Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • Thanks IntenseWorld. I just picked up on this when I finished my last delivery - when I started I was just adding on to my previous.

    You need to go back about a year to debates about when is someone really on the autistic spectrum.  There's a strongly held view that you are only really affected if you have depression and mental health problems. While that is partly down to professionals only dealing with such individuals, it also creates a fear, I suspect, that if you dilute the definition to include abler people, somehow you'll loose collective credibility. There is a real fear of falling out the diagnosis, not least with the government reassessments for DLA and Income support.

    Particularly there's a view that achievers don't really have aspergers or autism. I got quite agitated about this because what I feel we lack are role models. With dyslexia there is so much said about sports personalities, actors, politicians who get on with dyslexia. With the autistic spectrum there's almost a paranoia against the notion that someone genuinely aspergers could achieve. 

    I'm a high achiever. It might have been very difficult particularly during school years which were hell, and lasting through 20s and 30s struggling. But I've a PhD, I've had a career both as an industry researcher and a university lecturer, I've published books, and I reckon I've had a good life. I've been exceptionally lucky, and I have to be honest the Aspergers hasn't affected me that much. Yes I'm diagnosed, on NHS too, but I wonder if I would be now with the changes in criteria and funding cuts.

    I do however feel that I can put my insight to good purpose, and put something back into the system. I was a disability coordinator as part of my academic role and worked particularly with asperger students. I do campaign and get involved with local groups.

    That said, I think it is important to include the distinction my perspective may be milder. Sorry if it sounds self deprecatory (well I am always knocking myself/putting myself down anyway - its ingrained bad habit). However the intention is to state where I stand. I don't want to misinform.

    But all the same I'm grateful for you intervention and kind observations. Cheers. 

Reply

  • Thanks IntenseWorld. I just picked up on this when I finished my last delivery - when I started I was just adding on to my previous.

    You need to go back about a year to debates about when is someone really on the autistic spectrum.  There's a strongly held view that you are only really affected if you have depression and mental health problems. While that is partly down to professionals only dealing with such individuals, it also creates a fear, I suspect, that if you dilute the definition to include abler people, somehow you'll loose collective credibility. There is a real fear of falling out the diagnosis, not least with the government reassessments for DLA and Income support.

    Particularly there's a view that achievers don't really have aspergers or autism. I got quite agitated about this because what I feel we lack are role models. With dyslexia there is so much said about sports personalities, actors, politicians who get on with dyslexia. With the autistic spectrum there's almost a paranoia against the notion that someone genuinely aspergers could achieve. 

    I'm a high achiever. It might have been very difficult particularly during school years which were hell, and lasting through 20s and 30s struggling. But I've a PhD, I've had a career both as an industry researcher and a university lecturer, I've published books, and I reckon I've had a good life. I've been exceptionally lucky, and I have to be honest the Aspergers hasn't affected me that much. Yes I'm diagnosed, on NHS too, but I wonder if I would be now with the changes in criteria and funding cuts.

    I do however feel that I can put my insight to good purpose, and put something back into the system. I was a disability coordinator as part of my academic role and worked particularly with asperger students. I do campaign and get involved with local groups.

    That said, I think it is important to include the distinction my perspective may be milder. Sorry if it sounds self deprecatory (well I am always knocking myself/putting myself down anyway - its ingrained bad habit). However the intention is to state where I stand. I don't want to misinform.

    But all the same I'm grateful for you intervention and kind observations. Cheers. 

Children
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