• Replies 28 replies
  • Subscribers 65 subscribers
  • Views 7030 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • Mum of 3 raised a vaild point about her son parroting the right phrases.

    I've read various texts suggesting people on the spectrum can learn by observation how to come up with the right things on cue.

    I don't think the people coming out with this advice fully understand the predicament people on the spectrum are in. It isn't just about using the right phrases at the right time.  Not being able to read situations properly is only one side of the equation, not being able to generate the right non-verbal and inflexion information is very much an equal half.

    So the way you say it doesn't necessarily do you any favours.

    I'm at the mild abler end (and keep feeling I have to apologise). I have made a practice of observing, and memorising and stage managing/play acting my way through social encounters, trying to be on cue.  I had to because my disposition for many years was a sad or dull expression and a tendancy to elaborate needlessly in response to being asked how I was, and I had to learn by trial and error over many years.  I try to smile as much as possible but I don't think it actually works always when intended.

    If I'm struggling goodness knows how people more markedly affected can achieve any beneficial outcome from parroting the right phrases when it looks right.

    Smiling all the time isn't necessarily always apt, and looks staged and cac handed. Its better than scowling but it has many limits.

    I can use the right phrases and try to remember all the time to follow conversational questions with the expected response. But sometimes it seems to come over as sarcasm - or at least I get accused of not being genuine.

    There's a lot of professional advice out there about how you can get round it, but a lack of real, practical, informed experiential advice.

    The trouble is stage managing it is slower, there's a longer interval between cue and response, and its hard on top of that to read the situation, and generate the right tone or inflexion, or the appropriate nods and shrugs. That's a recipe for things going wrong.

    I wish the professionals would seriously research the day to day problems of resolving social interaction, rather than just offering platitudes, like its easy to learn and deliver the right phrases with practice. No it isn't!

Reply

  • Mum of 3 raised a vaild point about her son parroting the right phrases.

    I've read various texts suggesting people on the spectrum can learn by observation how to come up with the right things on cue.

    I don't think the people coming out with this advice fully understand the predicament people on the spectrum are in. It isn't just about using the right phrases at the right time.  Not being able to read situations properly is only one side of the equation, not being able to generate the right non-verbal and inflexion information is very much an equal half.

    So the way you say it doesn't necessarily do you any favours.

    I'm at the mild abler end (and keep feeling I have to apologise). I have made a practice of observing, and memorising and stage managing/play acting my way through social encounters, trying to be on cue.  I had to because my disposition for many years was a sad or dull expression and a tendancy to elaborate needlessly in response to being asked how I was, and I had to learn by trial and error over many years.  I try to smile as much as possible but I don't think it actually works always when intended.

    If I'm struggling goodness knows how people more markedly affected can achieve any beneficial outcome from parroting the right phrases when it looks right.

    Smiling all the time isn't necessarily always apt, and looks staged and cac handed. Its better than scowling but it has many limits.

    I can use the right phrases and try to remember all the time to follow conversational questions with the expected response. But sometimes it seems to come over as sarcasm - or at least I get accused of not being genuine.

    There's a lot of professional advice out there about how you can get round it, but a lack of real, practical, informed experiential advice.

    The trouble is stage managing it is slower, there's a longer interval between cue and response, and its hard on top of that to read the situation, and generate the right tone or inflexion, or the appropriate nods and shrugs. That's a recipe for things going wrong.

    I wish the professionals would seriously research the day to day problems of resolving social interaction, rather than just offering platitudes, like its easy to learn and deliver the right phrases with practice. No it isn't!

Children
No Data