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Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • Sorry to veer off topic, Longman: I note that you say in a few places that you are "mild end".  I don't believe there is really such a thing in AS terms.  Maybe not even in autistic terms.  I believe that even if you manage in one area (or more than one) you suffer in other areas.  Even if that is "just" co-morbid anxiety from trying to fit in.  You have said in another thread that you get eczema flare ups (something I get too) which is an indication that you have something severely affecting you.  I hate the term "high-functioning" as well, it's a misnomer.  A person can be verbal and manage self-care for instance, but be hugely affected by their need for routine and have frequent meltdowns.  We all have our individual mix of the traits but I think you are doing yourself a disservice.  If you were "mild" you wouldn't be diagnosed (I presume here that you are) or wouldn't feel the need to immerse yourself in all matters ASC.  High-functioning is not even a diagnostic term.  I think in some ways we have it worse, being verbal, with average to high IQs.  Because we are painfully aware of every tiny detail of our difficulties and stresses, we analyse it all and judge where we fail and on top of that we have an even more invisible disability which puts huge pressures on us on a daily basis.  Give yourself a break, you deserve it.

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  • Sorry to veer off topic, Longman: I note that you say in a few places that you are "mild end".  I don't believe there is really such a thing in AS terms.  Maybe not even in autistic terms.  I believe that even if you manage in one area (or more than one) you suffer in other areas.  Even if that is "just" co-morbid anxiety from trying to fit in.  You have said in another thread that you get eczema flare ups (something I get too) which is an indication that you have something severely affecting you.  I hate the term "high-functioning" as well, it's a misnomer.  A person can be verbal and manage self-care for instance, but be hugely affected by their need for routine and have frequent meltdowns.  We all have our individual mix of the traits but I think you are doing yourself a disservice.  If you were "mild" you wouldn't be diagnosed (I presume here that you are) or wouldn't feel the need to immerse yourself in all matters ASC.  High-functioning is not even a diagnostic term.  I think in some ways we have it worse, being verbal, with average to high IQs.  Because we are painfully aware of every tiny detail of our difficulties and stresses, we analyse it all and judge where we fail and on top of that we have an even more invisible disability which puts huge pressures on us on a daily basis.  Give yourself a break, you deserve it.

Children
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