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Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • I wouldn't go so far as to say don't ask her about it, but just be aware of the problem from her end. Not dealing with these things may be just as adverse in the long run.

    There may be a way, maybe in time, of getting her to say more. I believe (and I can only offer a personal perspective which as I'm mild end may not be accurate, and my experience otherwise is supporting adults) that it probably would help if she could talk to you about the things going round in her head.

    There may be some things you can help resolve, such as misunderstandings. She may however not be comforted by any phrases like "lots of people have that problem" or "we all have days like that" or "you'll get over it" because that isn't reality. Avoid good intentioned platitudes if you can.

    It is hard for someone on the spectrum to resolve perceived criticisms or sleights. She may well be going over and over incidents getting an increasingly negative perpective, often things that if they happened to you you might have forgetten minutes or even just several hours later.

    Therefore being asked to say what these are only raises the fear of more criticism.

    However if opportunities do make themselves available, tactful resolution of some of her worries could ease the anxiety load for her.

    Its just how you get to that stage.............

Reply

  • I wouldn't go so far as to say don't ask her about it, but just be aware of the problem from her end. Not dealing with these things may be just as adverse in the long run.

    There may be a way, maybe in time, of getting her to say more. I believe (and I can only offer a personal perspective which as I'm mild end may not be accurate, and my experience otherwise is supporting adults) that it probably would help if she could talk to you about the things going round in her head.

    There may be some things you can help resolve, such as misunderstandings. She may however not be comforted by any phrases like "lots of people have that problem" or "we all have days like that" or "you'll get over it" because that isn't reality. Avoid good intentioned platitudes if you can.

    It is hard for someone on the spectrum to resolve perceived criticisms or sleights. She may well be going over and over incidents getting an increasingly negative perpective, often things that if they happened to you you might have forgetten minutes or even just several hours later.

    Therefore being asked to say what these are only raises the fear of more criticism.

    However if opportunities do make themselves available, tactful resolution of some of her worries could ease the anxiety load for her.

    Its just how you get to that stage.............

Children
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