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Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • Pink68 said:
    When broaching the subject about why she gets upset I asked her when she was in a good mood and didn't ask about a particular incident, I went about it in a more general way.  I didn't actually ask her tell me why she got upset, just that perhaps if she talked to me about things that bothered her she wouldn't feel so bad, but even that got a 'I hate these conversations' response, then she made it obvious she wasn't going to talk to me at all.

    It's just so difficult because if I mention it at all she just gets in a major strop.  It's horrible to see her so upset and I feel so useless.  I understand that she probably CAN'T tell me why, but it doesn't stop me wanting to make everything better.

    It doesn't matter how you broach the subject, it's the same subject.

    If she's telling you "I hate these conversations" then stop having them with her!

    All you are doing is torturing her.

    As Longman says, she may not know, herself, why she gets upset, or she may simply not be able to put it into words.

    The subject then becomes like a sore wound, and if you keep on prodding and poking at it then of course she's going to get angry.

    I'm sure there is something you find so difficult that you would say you can't do it, now imagine if some authority figure kept on demanding (however nicely) that you do that thing, and to know why you can't do it.

    How would you feel?

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  • Pink68 said:
    When broaching the subject about why she gets upset I asked her when she was in a good mood and didn't ask about a particular incident, I went about it in a more general way.  I didn't actually ask her tell me why she got upset, just that perhaps if she talked to me about things that bothered her she wouldn't feel so bad, but even that got a 'I hate these conversations' response, then she made it obvious she wasn't going to talk to me at all.

    It's just so difficult because if I mention it at all she just gets in a major strop.  It's horrible to see her so upset and I feel so useless.  I understand that she probably CAN'T tell me why, but it doesn't stop me wanting to make everything better.

    It doesn't matter how you broach the subject, it's the same subject.

    If she's telling you "I hate these conversations" then stop having them with her!

    All you are doing is torturing her.

    As Longman says, she may not know, herself, why she gets upset, or she may simply not be able to put it into words.

    The subject then becomes like a sore wound, and if you keep on prodding and poking at it then of course she's going to get angry.

    I'm sure there is something you find so difficult that you would say you can't do it, now imagine if some authority figure kept on demanding (however nicely) that you do that thing, and to know why you can't do it.

    How would you feel?

Children
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