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Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • Do you think she knows why she gets upset?

    She may have a lot of unresolved issues going round in her head. Amongst them too are feelings of guilt because she keeps being asked why she gets easily upset when she doesn't know the answer.

    My own analogy (and I'm mild end so may not be representative, but can only offer my own impression) is that I react to the accumulation of issues - the trigger may be the "last straw" but not necessarily the reason.

    So I suspect she worries a lot about why she cannot give you an answer when you ask that question.

    But you can think of a parallel situation I'm sure - you must have had really bad days when everything goes wrong, the kids kick up endlessly, the doorbell or the phone keeps ringing when you're trying to clean up mess, and you're already late, and you're letting people down, and.......  well you just lose your bottle and get upset, swear a bit....cry maybe.

    And someone asks you what was all that about......

    Just your daughter has more issues to process, more anxieties building up, days on end, so she blows up occasionally....... its what its all about.

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  • Do you think she knows why she gets upset?

    She may have a lot of unresolved issues going round in her head. Amongst them too are feelings of guilt because she keeps being asked why she gets easily upset when she doesn't know the answer.

    My own analogy (and I'm mild end so may not be representative, but can only offer my own impression) is that I react to the accumulation of issues - the trigger may be the "last straw" but not necessarily the reason.

    So I suspect she worries a lot about why she cannot give you an answer when you ask that question.

    But you can think of a parallel situation I'm sure - you must have had really bad days when everything goes wrong, the kids kick up endlessly, the doorbell or the phone keeps ringing when you're trying to clean up mess, and you're already late, and you're letting people down, and.......  well you just lose your bottle and get upset, swear a bit....cry maybe.

    And someone asks you what was all that about......

    Just your daughter has more issues to process, more anxieties building up, days on end, so she blows up occasionally....... its what its all about.

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