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Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • I'll back that as well. You asked her if she had a good day. What's that got to do with showing appreciation?

    For people who have difficulty interpreting social interaction, including intonation and gesture, there is no routine process by which social conventions are developed. Your daughter cannot pick this up experientally, as can an NT.

    To become accepted in the NT social world people have to gauge others' responses, in a trial and error process, because they all pick up on people's adverse reactions if they don't get it right.

    Someone on the autistic spectrum cannot register or process that information. It might seem a nuisance but you will need to offer her regular guidance which she may be able to incorporate into daily activity, but it will never come naturally.

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  • I'll back that as well. You asked her if she had a good day. What's that got to do with showing appreciation?

    For people who have difficulty interpreting social interaction, including intonation and gesture, there is no routine process by which social conventions are developed. Your daughter cannot pick this up experientally, as can an NT.

    To become accepted in the NT social world people have to gauge others' responses, in a trial and error process, because they all pick up on people's adverse reactions if they don't get it right.

    Someone on the autistic spectrum cannot register or process that information. It might seem a nuisance but you will need to offer her regular guidance which she may be able to incorporate into daily activity, but it will never come naturally.

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