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Good manners?

Pink68

My daughter (9, likely AS) can sometimes be, what would be considered as, very rude. For instance, my mum kindly took her out for a trip with some other family members on a boat ride up the river.  On returning I asked my daughter if she had a good day, she said 'No, it was boring' which is bad enough in front of my mum.  I asked her to say thank you to Nanny for taking her out but she refused.  I felt terrible, so embarrassed. On hindsight I think her Aspergers mind worked it out as 'Why should I say thank you? I didn't enjoy it'. Fair enough, but she has to learn that it is only right to say thank you when you're given anything, even if it's not really what you want, if you get what I mean?

Should I push it?  I don't want her to be seen as an ungrateful brat (perhaps she is?) I also don't want to use AS as an excuse for rudeness.  I know if I push the issue at the time it's likely to cause a major strop from her and probably in me losing my temper.  Trying to broach the subject after is tricky when it's 'out of context', she ends up having a strop, then I can't talk to her at all.

Aww, I feel such a bad parent, I try to be understanding and tolerant but my NT mind just doesn't 'get it' sometimes!

Parents

  • crystal12 said:
    Hi - no, she isn't "an ungrateful brat", that's NT thinking!  She went out for the day + she didn't enjoy it so she replied honestly.

    Second what crystal12 says.  And I am an adult with Asperger's.  Social stories might show her what NTs expect by way of appreciation.  But perhaps it's best to ensure she will like the place she is being taken before going, as she will tell the truth about how she thought of it.  You cannot fit a round peg into a square hole.  Life as an Aspie is difficult enough.  You could explain to her, that if she doesn't learn the accepted responses now, then she may face poor reactions from others when she is older because no-one explained it to her that lead to her feeling embarrassed and alienated.  If you can appeal to her logic (although as a child she may resist it as emotions are hard to find logic for) she may try to remember.  But that's all it will be, and sharp-eyed NTs may notice her heart is not in her thankyou's.

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  • crystal12 said:
    Hi - no, she isn't "an ungrateful brat", that's NT thinking!  She went out for the day + she didn't enjoy it so she replied honestly.

    Second what crystal12 says.  And I am an adult with Asperger's.  Social stories might show her what NTs expect by way of appreciation.  But perhaps it's best to ensure she will like the place she is being taken before going, as she will tell the truth about how she thought of it.  You cannot fit a round peg into a square hole.  Life as an Aspie is difficult enough.  You could explain to her, that if she doesn't learn the accepted responses now, then she may face poor reactions from others when she is older because no-one explained it to her that lead to her feeling embarrassed and alienated.  If you can appeal to her logic (although as a child she may resist it as emotions are hard to find logic for) she may try to remember.  But that's all it will be, and sharp-eyed NTs may notice her heart is not in her thankyou's.

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