• Replies 7 replies
  • Subscribers 65 subscribers
  • Views 1472 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Feeling guilty

Pink68

Just sounding off really.....

My daughter (9, as yet to be diagnosed Aspergers) sometimes gets upset for no apparent reason.  I try to be sympathetic and get her to tell me what's wrong, but she just pushes me away and tells me she doesn't want to talk about it.  I said to her yesterday (but in a raised voice, as she was walking away in a strop) 'If you don't tell me what's upset you how can I help?' She shouted 'I don't want any help!'

It hurts that she won't talk to me, but then I lose my temper because she won't talk about what's upset her, which upsets her more. Then I feel really guity and I can't comfort her because then I'M the cause of the upset. Cry Does that make sense?

I know it's hard for her to express what she's feeling, if only she would be able to tell me the cause of the upset.  As a parent you hate to see your child hurting and all you want to do is 'make it better', but when all attempts are refused, it's hard.

Parents

  • She is probably just externalising her anxiety.  It could be just existential anxiety as an Aspie and how that makes her relate to the world.  People on the spectrum tend to either meltdown or shutdown and her wanting to be left alone could be a form of shutting down.  If she cannot identify why she is upset herself then logically, to her, she will not see how you could help her.  Many people on the spectrum have a problem with hugs so that wouldn't necessarily comfort her.

    Also, talking about emotions is hard for us because sometimes we are unable to identify what is wrong due to alexithymia.  She may also be struggling with knowing she is different and hating herself or feeling it's so unfair and doesn't acknowledge that and therefore cannot talk about it.  We are often very uncomfortable discussing emotions.  To an Aspie, unless you can offer a practical solution there is nothing more you can do.  And if she has analysed the problem in her head and cannot see a practical solution (even if as a child, she is incorrect in that view) then she will not want to go to you to discuss it as she will have already made up her mind you cannot solve the issue.

    Perhaps the only thing you can do, is rather than ask her if she wants to talk about it or offer hugs, is to tell her that if there is an issue you will try to find the solution and perhaps you might have an idea of how to solve it that hasn't occurred to her.  That might appeal to her.  However, if it is what I said in the first paragraph above, then it's unlikely that will help.

Reply

  • She is probably just externalising her anxiety.  It could be just existential anxiety as an Aspie and how that makes her relate to the world.  People on the spectrum tend to either meltdown or shutdown and her wanting to be left alone could be a form of shutting down.  If she cannot identify why she is upset herself then logically, to her, she will not see how you could help her.  Many people on the spectrum have a problem with hugs so that wouldn't necessarily comfort her.

    Also, talking about emotions is hard for us because sometimes we are unable to identify what is wrong due to alexithymia.  She may also be struggling with knowing she is different and hating herself or feeling it's so unfair and doesn't acknowledge that and therefore cannot talk about it.  We are often very uncomfortable discussing emotions.  To an Aspie, unless you can offer a practical solution there is nothing more you can do.  And if she has analysed the problem in her head and cannot see a practical solution (even if as a child, she is incorrect in that view) then she will not want to go to you to discuss it as she will have already made up her mind you cannot solve the issue.

    Perhaps the only thing you can do, is rather than ask her if she wants to talk about it or offer hugs, is to tell her that if there is an issue you will try to find the solution and perhaps you might have an idea of how to solve it that hasn't occurred to her.  That might appeal to her.  However, if it is what I said in the first paragraph above, then it's unlikely that will help.

Children
No Data