Low mood/depression in 6-year-old

My daugh

My daughter is also six, and has a lot of the same struggles. She is scared of the dark, and has issues sleeping and with anxiety. I know stuff like this can be so worrying, and draining!

I think it's important to remember first of all that autistic people, even little kids, are very deep thinkers and also very blunt. So I know these things can be shocking and a bit frightening to hear coming out of a little boy, but it is very natural / common for them to grapple with these deep issues - and then have an emotional response that is extreme (because, as you'll know, they tend towards extreme emotional responses).

So in my view it's not actually the low mood you need to address - it's the struggle he's having with his autistic traits, which as of right now he seems to be seeing as purely negatives. 

So reframing his autism could be absolutely transformative for him, in my opinion. I'm autistic myself, and I knew my daughter was from her being four months old (as insane as that sounds) and I always made a point of making sure that my language around autism was either positive or aggressively neutral. It isn't a weakness, or a defect, it's a neurodivergency - that literally just means that their brain is different to other people's. Correcting him softly and re-centering him every time he speaks negatively about these traits will eventually reform his thought processes on it. 

I always tell my daughter that everyone in the world has things they are good at, ok at, and not great at. But being autistic means that she is VERY good at a lot of stuff just by grace of who she is - you can point out all the positive traits that come along with his autism. Any special skills, especially. Autistic kids are generally very intelligent and resourceful, for example. They also see things that other people don't - which is an astonishing advantage when you think about it!

But the flip side of that is she also struggles with some things more. It's just neurodivergent people have different difficulties to neurotypical people, so they need different help. Which is great! Because it leads to special things. You can then point out any special treatment he gets because of it (like my daughter gets to use fidget toys at school), ASD groups he goes to, anything he gets out of doing that other kids have to do, etc. If he doesn't have any perks, maybe look into that as a place to start.

Ninja centres, trampoline parks and places like that do special ASD clubs. Which would also mean him making friends with more autistic kids, which always helps when they are feeling different. It's SO important that they have a chance to socialize with other autistic kids, so they can feel lost in a crowd in the same way all the NT kids get to.

Autism genuinely isn't a bad thing, and once you start seeking and pointing out the positives, his mindset will shift.

Sorry this ended up so long - I hope it helped. Feel free to message or ask anything you want to

I was excluded a lot and always sad. The sadness... was a bit like Sadness in Inside Out. I didn't hate myself and I thought much more than 'normal' about death... and life and matters of space/ time/ eternity. It was hard for my mother, who felt inclusion and belonging was everything. But looking back, I was always in tears because I was overwhelmed compounded by the inability to understand feelings or access the right vocabulary to explain what I could sense-perceive. And the fact was I could sense far more than I should. 

Eventually, philosophy and theology and physics brought a great deal of comfort! I actually found my inability to just 'blend' in was incredibly liberating. I wasn't bound to these seemingly invisible codes and I could find the Right others to be friends with and not the Wrong ones. 

The bad thoughts are not his. Allow him to talk about them and you will notice they are his picking up things in society he cannot make sense of. Further, his brain is not broken. It has incredible potential. It's just not a match for current society. The Master and his Emissary might be a good read for you. Unfortunately, his ability to sense-perceive is beyond his ability to articulate it. 

That sounds like a good plan. Good luck! I also remember seeing several posts a while ago on ideas on how to talk about being autistic to children- I think people suggested some picture books and stories too that might be useful. It might be a good idea to either look for those posts or to just post again and ask people on this forum for ideas- There is a lot of knowledge in this community :) 

Just being there for him helps.  And it does get better with time and the right support.  I have since then found good people and things have improved a lot.  

But it could be very empowering for him to know why he is different.  Look into stuff about neurodiversity which paints a much more positive and inclusive picture than the medical lists of deficits.

Thanks Ann, yes I think the change of scene has undoubtedly had an impact. I am trying to explain it to him in bite-sized chuncks when he is in a good and calm mood. He seems to sometimes get it and other times he simply says "I don't want to talk about it"

I am going to start with the GP and hope it goes well from there!

Do you think the change of routine of the holidays could have exacerbated his anxiety? I'm autistic too and I find change of routine and going away extremely stressful and unsettling- regardless though, it is worrying that he is feeling this way. Have you explained to him about being autistic? When I was 6 I definitely was aware that  I was different to other children and my mum could tell too (because I think she had experienced similar herself)- She did a very good job of pointing out the positives of being different and I almost felt  proud- as I got older it got harder to come to terms with as the differences became more noticable and I didn't know I was autistic at the time so I felt like such a failure that I could not fit in and was so weird- I was only diagnosed at age 25, but it definitely helps to know that you are autistic. Do you think it could help your son if you explained to him about being autistic and all the positives? Maybe that will help him accept himself the way he is and realise that there is 'nothing wrong' with him and that different does not mean broken? It might also help if he could meet some other autistic children? I'm not sure. I really hope you find a good professional to advise you. 

Thanks for your honest reply. It must be horrendous. So many nights he would rock in his bed and just say mummy please help me. It breaks my heart.

Gosh, never even heard of Pure O! My dad is bi-polar with OCD, so I wasn't always sure which thoughts/actions came from which diagnoses. We have 3 family members with diagnosed OCD, so it does run in the family. I'll get a GP appointment made, however, our GP does seem clueless about these things! Thanks for your reply.

As a 45 year old autistic adult who's only just been diagnosed, I can tell you that I absolutely felt like this when I was six years old.

We used to do prayers before bed as a family, and my prayer was always "help me have nice dreams and nice thoughts with no nasty parts in them."  I have always had trouble sleeping because my brain is still trying to process all the social interactions that went wrong and imagine ways that I could make things better.

School was frightening and other children didn't invite me to play with them.  When they did, I didn't know what I was supposed to do, so I either got bossed around or told off for not doing it right.

It's easy for a child to recognise that they're different.  Even if they don't, other children will let them know.  It's lonely and it hurts.

Yeah I'd take that to the GP and ask for a referral asap, if there's not a lot of compulsions it could be what gets nicknamed "pure O" and with a family history of OCD it's very likely. "Pure O" is really distressing so it's important to get proper therapy for it quickly. (Not sure why it's called pure O as it does have some compulsions imo.)
Pls make sure to tell your lad it's just bad worries, it doesn't mean he really thinks these things (ie they don't repesent his true values etc). Because pure O takes what we love and hold dearest and it twists and perverts it in our heads because the loss of that thing we hold sacred is what we fear the most and has become the obsession thoughts. For example if you love dogs, your intrusive thoughts might  be a fear that you could be capable of unimaginable (or sadly imaginable) cruelty to dogs.

Thanks Sam. Yes, my dad has OCD and I have often thought Sam displayed thr same behaviours.

Sounds like OCD too tbh. I have that. The thoughts can feel like there is something evil living in your head until you realise it's just representing the things you fear and dislike the most and that's why they are so upsetting.