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New here and in need of some help!

NAS83557

Hey,

I am new here and in need of some help as the title suggests.

I am married and have a high functioning 13 year old and a 5 year old who is in the process of going through diagnosis.

Over the years as I am sure anyone reading this will know taking care of someone with ASD has its challenges, however I am currently in a situation that I have no idea how I can help, where to turn or what I can actually do. I was hoping putting our situation out there may shed light on anyone who has had similar struggles and could give any advice or tips on best ways to proceed.

Over the last 13 years we have had ups and downs with the phases that our older child went through and managed to steer through them, however our 5 year old is a different story.

Now being up front here I know that I am not the most knowledgeable person around ASD as I work a lot of hours and my wife is the expert in this arena, and because of this she is the one that has to deal with majority of these issues, however I used to be able to help out.. now, not so much.

As I am sure with a lot of children in general, not just with ASD. COVID and lock down had a lot of impact on children's mental health and wellbeing as a family we seen a major impact on our 5 years old child's mental state.

I could sit here and write for hours about my child and how we got to the situation we are now in, however I will just explain the current situation and then see what anyone thinks and then we can dissect moving forward any underlying issues.

The current situation is that my child of 5 is attending nursery, technically they should be in primary school, however due to COVID and other underlying issues my child was not able to attend the previous year at nursery to set them up for transition into school. As parents and collectively with meetings with the school we decided to defer our child for a year. Which would result in him having this year at nursery to get to know his peers and make (some sort of) bonds with the children they would eventually be attending primary school with.

Our child now attends nursery most days and has made some great relationships within the nursery, mainly with the children, not major attachments to staff at this stage. The staff are excellent and trying to use their knowledge and expertise and experience to help as much as possible to adjust to our family needs. 

The current setup up is that either I (time permitting) or my wife actually go to the nursery with our child. The reason being is that they do not want to be left alone with "strangers" 

This means that either myself or my wife (most of the time) would sit in the nursery from around 9:00 am until 11:00 am every day until lunch, which is then time to come home. (This as I am sure you are all aware is a very urgent "We must leave now" situation). Even though this is progress it is very slow progress and our child is due to attend primary school in August next year (a lot of time for development I know).

At home, is where it is even more difficult. My wife is unable to leave the living room (even with me or others still in the living room) without my 5 year old child running after her and "needing" to know here she is and be next to her. Now I am not over exaggerating this when I say ALL the time. When she goes to the kitchen, the bathroom (including getting washed), to the shops (which is a whole separate ordeal), to put the bin out, to fold the washing. Anything and everything my child needs to know where my wife is at all times and needs to be with her. This has been going on for a few months now.

I have tried so much to help change or adapt to this new pattern and I am banging my head against the wall. I have tried distraction, fun games, offering incentives, being direct and none of these seem to work. Because of this, it massively limits the freedom my wife has. I mean going to the shops isn't exactly freedom, but it would be nice for her to have at least a waking moment where she didn't need to worry about our child being distressed or worried.

Has anyone went through this separation anxiety before and have any ideas to get through this, or even allow me as his father to be able to give my wife a break that is needed before her mental and physical health takes a dip.

As a side note my father passed away in July and I feel this may be a subconscious worry for my child that is adding to this situation.

Any help at this point is really appreciated.

Sorry it is so long to read as well. I could write so much more but I will save you the time.




  • NAS83557 said:
    This has been going on for a few months now.

    What was it like before this started. How much time can you devote to really working out what was happening around the time this kicked off. If it's only been going on a few months, it may just need to run its course and in fact, if you meet this need, it may help cultivate a better grounding for independence. 

    All children will have unique needs that seem to be exhausting. However, if we follow that need and make room for it, meet that need (and I'm specifically speaking about Human Needs not demands with negative consequences), they'll be all the better for it. If what he needs is simply her present, then practice ADHD "Body Doubling". This is a cute video that talks about it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ni9biXNDZe0

    Practice Yoga, together or meditative time, together. This enforces a type of boundary while with someone, it's a good one to learn, so now sounds like the perfect time for that.

    My son slept with me for a long time, we simply had a family bed similar to how anthropology explains the nature of being human. Now he's incredibly independent.

    When it comes to connexion with children, it's important to never treat it like 'attention' which is a consumer-corporate relationship. Connexion requires vulnerability and safety. It is life-affirming while attention is about depletion and disposal. Children are young for only so long and then life happens in many ways. It could be he was profoundly impacted by the lifespan of someone he loved coming to an end and is working through this fear. He would need to exhaust this (possibly sub-conscious) reckoning and just get to the other side. 

    Autistic development is different than Non. We may grasp elements of physics and external sensations of being and being in nature rather than being in a tribe. We can be hyper-sensory, so a sensation of something will have a drastic impact. We'll get through it, but we need to be met where that impact is hitting us the hardest and affirmed in practical ways, rarely with verbal language, but dependability. That natural impact will have implications on things we are the most invested in. The current overwhelming desire to connect with his mother will pass. When my son needed a thing, I would make sure to give it to him more often, exhaust his need. Eventually he would get past it. 

    Do the opposite of what you're inclined to do: I'd encourage you to invite him when you go to to another room. Invite him to the shop. Always create an invite. Never assume he will always come with. I am going to ____, would you like to join? I need to go to the shop today at _____, will you come with? One day he will surprise you and say no thank you. The very thought of you needing him will ground his need for the connexion. 

  • I am thinking about things that reassure that you are there without seeing you. Can you talk about things you will do when you see each other again? Can you have short periods practicing being away from each other so they realise that you will still be there? 

    Playing hide and seek is a good way of starting this.

  • Im in the same situation with my 3 year old and my older child is diagnosed ASD too

    Has your little one always been this way? I can honestly say my daughter has cried since she was born, always needing to be with me, yes lockdown has affected her we think but 2 years she's been at nursery and still to this day she cries when i drop her off and follows me everywhere around the house

    H.V say its just how she is and she'll grow out of it but they said something similar about my older one and funnily enough shes Autistic.....I'm not saying mine or your younger one is but I can now see my younger one has sensory needs and we're working on fullfilling those to try and help her anxieties 

  • in reply to Peter

    Yeah, i wouldn't do that even if that option was on the table. Thanks for you sharing your epxerience.

  • My brother was a bit like this when he was young, although not quite that bad, and took years to fully grow out of it. My parents solution was to try to use me as a distraction for him. Bad idea. I like my personal space. Seriously DO NOT try to redirect him towards his older brother.