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It's like he's faking it

David

Bit of context first....my 11 year old son was recently diagnosed as autistic. The report was thorough and I have no doubts about the diagnosis, it certainly helps explain a great deal about his behaviour as a younger child.

Interestingly, we decided to pursue the diagnosis after he read a book called "Can you see me?" written by Libby Scott, about a girl his age who is autistic. He encouraged us to read the book together, which we did and it was interesting to see how many characteristics and personality traits my son shared with the main character.

So that brings us to today....in the 9 months since my son read the book he has become impossible to deal with. His Mum and I are at the end of our rope, we having nothing left. Every single morning, he refuses to go to school; we barely leave the house or if we do it's one parent with his older brother while the other stays home with him. We're like ghosts, it's honestly like he has sucked all the joy out of the house. He has a meltdown over the smallest things; he's violent too, hitting and punching. 

What drives me crazy is that he wasn't like this a year ago! His teacher recently had to speak to him because he was misbehaving in class and he claims now that he "doesn't understand" what the rules are despite understanding perfectly for the last 5 years of school. Every day he refuses to school and screams and shouts that he doesn't understand why he even has school, and that it's all pointless, but he used to enjoy school!

Worst of all, he used to be such a happy, joyful, bubbly kid but we never see that anymore. He's always so unhappy. 

I know he's not faking it, why would he? I just keep having that same thought though, maybe it's born out of missing how things used to be. I don't know. I'm not even looking for answers, I've just had enough and needed to vent somewhere.

Parents

  • Going through the whole realusation and diagnosis process was hard enough for me in my 40s, with all the experience and knowledge I've gained in life. It's going to be even harder for a kid at that age.

    At first I felt like I'd found a magic potion, the answer to everything, but I gradually realised that it doesn't actually change anything.  I still have all the same difficulties that I had before, but now I'm more aware of them, and I'm aware of other things I hadn't considered before.

    I've always known I was different, but having it quantified and labelled, knowing that it will always be there, that I'm always going to have these struggles, that I am technically DISABLED is a heavy thing to carry. 

    Knowing that I'm always going to be the outsider and the weirdo is a lonely feeling too. 

    And I've spent a good few years mulling over these feelings.  

    You know "the last straw that broke the camel's back"?  The thing is, he's not having a meltdown over the smallest things.  He's got a lot of emotions going on already, trying to figure out his identity and his place in the world.  He possibly can't even identify what he's feeling or why, but his cup is already full to the brim so as soon as any little thing goes wrong, it spills over.

    Finding out his diagnosis may indeed cause him to question all kinds of things in his life.  He needs reassurance that he's still the same, that he'll figure it out, that he's not damaged or broken, and that he's still loved.  

    At least, that's the kind of reassurance that I needed at that point.  

    And maybe look into some good autistic role models like Chris Packham to show him that it can all still be okay.

  • in reply to Glitter

    Thanks for the reply.

     In hindsight my post looks extremely negative and I think I just hit a low.

    You reminded me that if this is hard for us it must be extremely hard for him, and we need to continue to shower him in love and reassurance. 

    Sometimes it's exhausting, but I need to remember he's exhausted too.

Reply
  • in reply to Glitter

    Thanks for the reply.

     In hindsight my post looks extremely negative and I think I just hit a low.

    You reminded me that if this is hard for us it must be extremely hard for him, and we need to continue to shower him in love and reassurance. 

    Sometimes it's exhausting, but I need to remember he's exhausted too.

Children
  • in reply to David

    That's okay! We all have those low points. I'm a parent too and I get that it's tough. My hope was to point out as gently as possible the other side of things, but (funnily enough) it's tough for me to get the tone right  ;)

  • in reply to David

    However, I think that even autistic children need to be, as gently as possible, taken out of their comfort zone from time to time. Otherwise they are not going to fulfil their potential. Autism can be used by autistics as an excuse for not doing things that they dislike, such as school, but that are to their long term benefit,. Sometimes the excuse is valid, and sometimes it is just an excuse. Determining which is which is the hard part. Autistic people are still people, we can be lazy, we can lie and we can manipulate others, often not as well as neurotypicals, admittedly.