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How can I help my 18 yr old son when he shuts down

NAS83433

Hi it’s the first time I’ve used this group so hope you can help.  My son is 18 and late every evening he comes to me in a shutdown mode.  He looks terribly sad and must want to be near me but he can’t speak and seems frustrated.  I feel so useless, at first I thought he was struggling to find the words so I was just sitting with him offering hugs and encouragement to talk. This goes on until I say we really need to get some sleep now at which point he is angry with me and stomps off.  At other times of the day I’ve asked him about why he thinks this keeps happening and he says he is so far removed from his thoughts and emotions that he doesn’t even know why it’s happening or how I can help. 

I have asked him if there’s anything on his mind as uni applications are looming etc but there doesn’t seem to be anything specific just a general low feeling. I’ve considered talking to the gp again, he wont speak to a counsellor or support group as he has severe social anxiety so I know the only thing she could offer would be antidepressants.  

Has anyone come across anything similar.  Any advice welcome.  Thanks 

Parents

  • Hi Slight smile

    I think it's a credit to you that your son wants to be near you.

    I had a lot of shutdowns around that age - only I didn't really let my mum know as I guess I figured she wouldn't understand (It's a long time ago...) - I think my main problem was a lack of energy.  I don't know if this is your son's problem, but I used to put all my energy into pretending to be normal and trying to understanding social stuff at school.  I still do get my energy sapped but manage it a little bit better these days.  Anyhow sometimes it is just too exhausting to find words.  

    I'm not saying this with any expertise but trying to think what I would have liked - if there's something you can do together, even watch TV or movies together, or an activity you both enjoy.  Ie comfort activities, comfort foods etc.  Heat packs or a cosy blanket might help too.  If he knows you loves him, and you can withstand him getting frustrated with you (when it isn't actually your fault), that might be what he needs either instead of or in addition to talking it through.  Stay strong and don't take it personally when he stomps off!  I know that can be hard as my daughter does a lot of that.

    And yes, it would be good if he would eventually agree to see a qualified professional.  And I'm sure there's lots of good info on here.  I just wanted to answer you because I remember being barely able to speak.  In my case, I felt depressed but I later found out the depression was probably mainly a side effect of my anxiety.  However I don't know if that is the case with your son.  If it is anxiety, I can recommend physical exercise to help.  I'm hoping for you that you find some good answers for your son.

    Big hugs from Helen 

Reply

  • Hi Slight smile

    I think it's a credit to you that your son wants to be near you.

    I had a lot of shutdowns around that age - only I didn't really let my mum know as I guess I figured she wouldn't understand (It's a long time ago...) - I think my main problem was a lack of energy.  I don't know if this is your son's problem, but I used to put all my energy into pretending to be normal and trying to understanding social stuff at school.  I still do get my energy sapped but manage it a little bit better these days.  Anyhow sometimes it is just too exhausting to find words.  

    I'm not saying this with any expertise but trying to think what I would have liked - if there's something you can do together, even watch TV or movies together, or an activity you both enjoy.  Ie comfort activities, comfort foods etc.  Heat packs or a cosy blanket might help too.  If he knows you loves him, and you can withstand him getting frustrated with you (when it isn't actually your fault), that might be what he needs either instead of or in addition to talking it through.  Stay strong and don't take it personally when he stomps off!  I know that can be hard as my daughter does a lot of that.

    And yes, it would be good if he would eventually agree to see a qualified professional.  And I'm sure there's lots of good info on here.  I just wanted to answer you because I remember being barely able to speak.  In my case, I felt depressed but I later found out the depression was probably mainly a side effect of my anxiety.  However I don't know if that is the case with your son.  If it is anxiety, I can recommend physical exercise to help.  I'm hoping for you that you find some good answers for your son.

    Big hugs from Helen 

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