Heavy how 2 tell asd son his dog needs 2 be put down

Please seek professional mental health help if things are this terrible. He shouldn't have to go through this just because he is [link removed by moderator]. Anyone who is contemplating self injury or has expressed suicide thoughts requires assistance. Ask him why he doesn't want to go to the dentist or other places like that. See if you can convince them to change anything to facilitate his visit. 

Thakyou that is excellent advice I think that would be good for him to be there. I have today tried to do short 3 minute chats  and then I leave him alone for a bit..Thank-you for explaing as I knew about the hyper focus but hadn't realised it applied to when talking. I was annoyed the other day because someone had said to me (who has no one in their life that has asd and knows nothing  about it ) said " oh yes they have no emotion" ..I mention it because  someone with asd might come across that way rarely show any emotion etc but I know he has deep feelings  and it's been nice to see him touch the dog and get that connection that unconditoonal love through touch which he can't even do with me his own mum.Thanks for understanding AND helping what you have done here is realy help two people ..so much more than any of the supposed services that are out there..Thank-you:)

Thank you, that post helped me integrate some more of my life experience...

There's a good deal going on here. Autistic individuals feel and sense-perceive with far greater intensity. We cannot filter out information like non-autistics, so the world is Too Real. What we need are practical solutions, learned virtues or principles (as we won't learn them subconsciously or telepathically), and literal step-by-step instructions or guidelines for nearly everything in life from the emotional/psychological to physical and matters of the soul. 

It sounds like you've tried to shift the conversation to emphasise the cruelty of allowing an animal to live in pain. But I think the problem here is that perhaps your son is in an state of feeling so overwhelmed and a kind of intense emotional pain, that maybe he feels the dog is the only one he can Relate With (or share a sense of Empathy). If he loses the dog, the isolation of being then becomes unbearable. 

It could be good to find an Autistic Therapist. Feeling understood for an Autistic means Being understood. Most of us have a really difficult time with language, so the power of using language for hypnosis doesn't work on us. The use of language to change how we feel doesn't work. We need practical, actual solutions. We can sense when someone is responding in a way that feels different to what we're trying to express and many times we might not have a good command of words until our mid 30's or so. Different forms of expression can help such as arts and sport (usually things which are self-building not competitive or group oriented). What outlets does your son have? 

During various transition stages, I've not only let my son binge on video games, but reinforced it. It can curtail the incoming experience, slow down the gigantic wave crashing in and allow room to breathe by simply shifting focus. Every process takes so much time to work through and transitions create an enormity of emotions. For an Autistic, since we cannot filter out the things we sense-perceive very well, big emotions aren't just big. They are All Encompassing. 

The second thing that really makes it difficult for us is a drive to Resolution. It's part of the monotropic brain, hyper-focused and analytical. https://monotropism.org And with language difficulty this is also a compounded, overwhelming experience. We need fundamental understanding of things to be able to finally cope - the physics and biology of things, the deeper understanding of how all the parts work together. 

And if you can, have a chat with the Vet to see if your son might be allowed in the room while you put the dog to sleep. He might feel overwhelmed with sadness and that would be a good time to allow him to cry through the process and just be next to him - encouraging him to cry it out. It's remarkably sad, but does provide a type of closure, especially if he feels a part of the process. 

A support animal will unfortunately have a shorter lifespan than we do. If there's a possibly of maybe getting a kitten, something new for him to care for, it won't feel like 'replacing' his dog. But this kind of life-stuff is important for anyone to go through, unfortunately. But I might suggest, if you can and you feel this could help, see how he responds to an exchange of upgrading his video gaming for taking responsibility for the humane act of releasing his dog. Doctor Who is a good one for helping us understand these kind of humane acts as well, if you enjoy watching that together.

Hi the age of life span for breed of dog we have is 12 and a half and our dog is just past that age..and basicaly has a lot wrong and it probably kinder to put dog down  thannput it through countless operations and stress.Maybe vet will let us give dog pain killing drugs for time it has left .But main problem is son does not grasp these things it is the same with his own health I have to explain to him a lot why he must keep warm or keep his room clean and explain safety measures like how certain thi gs are dangerous.

1. We now live in the internet age, and solutions to medical issues often appear WAY before they become common knowledge. To a lesser expect this is true with vetinerary issues. Me personally, I won't have a pet put down unless my pet tells me it's time. BY the sound of it, if your dogs health is managed he may have longer to get used to the idea. IF you do social medial there will be a facebook page devoted to these issues.

2. Maybe rather than hiding you lad from the truth, he'd be better served by being placed in the decision loop? I know that's how I always felt as a kid. With Autism you are constantly "excluded" situationally and it's very heartening when someone gives you responsibility, and helps you over the shock. 

3. In my case the suicidal ideation was a reaction to being completely disconnected from what was going on around me. Being always stuck on the sidelines spectating is bloody frustrating and boring. I've noticed that when there is a really HARD or survival type decision to be made, THEN people suddenly notice me, and make a real effort to communicate at my level I.E. clearly and without dissembling. If being me only worked in extreme situations then the temptation to create "extreme situations" then could arise.

4. For most of us, I think, when the autism is noticed, people "give up on us" early in life, so we miss out on a lot of "training for life" try not to treat him as a "Case" but as a person you love who is "struggling to win against the odds" Because that's what Autism feels like in your twenties...

Do tell your kid from me that 23 is an awful age for a young man in this society, it really is, but as he gets older (and he should allow himself to do that, this is a "test", and leaving early counts against your final mark) life gets a bit more interesting, and worthwhile. I am very glad that my suicide attempt at a very similar age failed!

(To be honest I went for exit by carbon monoxide and changed my mind whilst I was still able to. So glad I didn't do anything less reversible. I'd hate to be slipping into death thinking, "I didn't really want to have done that...)  

Yes Thank-you for your honesty. The suicide thoughts that he had were last year and I have managed to help him to the point where he has come through it.We did get professional help at the time ie nhs ie I took him to hospital but when we got home nhs never followed up with the help they said they would give,they were supposed to give him a counsellor that they offered but they never called us like they said and gave no number for us to call..but my son says he does not think counselling will work for him as its more directed at non asd people..we also tried various drugs from doctors but he said they don't work .I like to keep an eye on him because he is often not  vocal about if something is getting him down.The dentist it's OK he has his pip so he can afford and is going wants to go private ie I can find one that will be better suited to his needs. So he is relatively stable happy right now as far as Ican see but as I said he can take you by surprise which is why I still have to becarefull what I say and do hence the worry around how I will deal with telling him about the dog..I was hoping someone may have had to deal with a situation like this and offer some strategies.

Seriously if things are this bad you need to seek professional mental health support.  Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he should have to suffer like this. Anyone who is at the point of self harming or saying they're suicidal needs help. 

As for things like the dentist, ask him about why he doesn't want to go. Find out if you can get them to make any adjustments to make his visit easier.