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Advice please - 9 year old son with high performing autism

NAS81954

Hi there,

We have recently realised that our 9 year old son has (undiagnosed) high performing autism.  The thing is, although his school see in class the traits we see at home, they wont offer support as he is academically performing above his peers.  My son finds it difficult to make friends, he uses sarcasm (thinking it is funny) in the wrong context and his remarks can be cutting, his default conversation is about facts, 'did you know....' particularly when he is around people he doesn't know well, mouth stimming plus many other markers too.

Me and my hubby are trying to educate ourselves around high performing autism but there doesn't seem to be much out there.  We haven't told our son yet although recently he told me he feels like he doesn't fit in, and said 'I'm a bit weird, aren't I mum?' which was heartbreaking to hear.  I think we have decided to tell him before he starts secondary school in 2 years time, but we'll see what this next year brings first. I feel like I need to be fully educated before I tell him.  I need him to feel that we've got this, and sound confident around the subject, which right now seems a long way off.

I just don't know how to best support him.  I pick him up on things, like the sarcastic remarks, the mouth stimming (in a nice way, rather than tell him off) etc because I don't want him to chew is nails and fingers until they bleed etc, but the bottom line is, if this is part of who he is, how much will actually change anyway/ I don't want to dent his confidence and have him feel I'm always nit picking.  

- When do you know the best time to tell your child they have austism?

- is there any benefit to a diagnosis for high performing autism (I can't see any)?

- Can you recommend any books/ advise lines specifically around high performing autism?

- Any other advice or tips?

Thanks so much to anyone who can give any advice and help me find my way through this.  My son is amazing and I just want to get this right for him.

Parents
  • NAS81954 said:
    is there any benefit to a diagnosis for high performing autism (I can't see any)?

    When I have written things like this it always feels all over the place when I read it back so to summarise:

    - it can be a benefit to understand why you are different to those around you, especially when people can label you as something else to explain your shortcomings in social situations etc.

    - I don't know how beneficial it is in terms of actual support in working on these issues since I am still going through the assessment and the only support I have access to is things my sixth form is kind enough to provide such as a quiet place to eat alone.

    I can tell you from my experience as a teenager that I really struggled with not knowing why I had difficulty socialising with peers. I had always been fine before I turned 15* because I had been part of a small group of friends who all had autistic traits - occasionally I was outside of my comfort zone talking to other people but most of the time I just spent with these few friends - and once we drifted apart I began to recognise my social deficits trying to engage in other social circles etc. So from that point of view if you know you are different but can't seem to understand why then I think it can be massively beneficial in some respect for your mental health (certainly I would have taken knowing I was autistic over struggling with people behind my back labelling me falsely as a sociopath or a psychopath just because I didn't "fit in.")

    On the other side, I wouldn't really know if a diagnosis would help with these social situations since I don't know what a diagnosis would entail in terms of support etc. While I have been getting assessed my current sixth form has been really helpful giving me a quiet space to eat alone and so forth but I still encounter plenty of difficulties with socialising at points during my day. Since I haven't yet been fully diagnosed I don't really know what support is available after diagnosis, for that you will have to rely on people who have already received that support to tell you. I don't know if a diagnosis would have helped me to work on my social deficits back in school but it certainly would have helped me to understand why I am different, to be succinct. 

    * To be clear this could be quite confusing. I've always shown autistic traits since I was a kid (hence why I am being assessed now) but they certainly became much more obvious in secondary school. Thats not to say I didn't have difficulties socialising as a younger kid, but rather I was clueless most of the time to the fact I would be doing anything wrong. There are actually some quite hilarious examples too!

Reply
  • NAS81954 said:
    is there any benefit to a diagnosis for high performing autism (I can't see any)?

    When I have written things like this it always feels all over the place when I read it back so to summarise:

    - it can be a benefit to understand why you are different to those around you, especially when people can label you as something else to explain your shortcomings in social situations etc.

    - I don't know how beneficial it is in terms of actual support in working on these issues since I am still going through the assessment and the only support I have access to is things my sixth form is kind enough to provide such as a quiet place to eat alone.

    I can tell you from my experience as a teenager that I really struggled with not knowing why I had difficulty socialising with peers. I had always been fine before I turned 15* because I had been part of a small group of friends who all had autistic traits - occasionally I was outside of my comfort zone talking to other people but most of the time I just spent with these few friends - and once we drifted apart I began to recognise my social deficits trying to engage in other social circles etc. So from that point of view if you know you are different but can't seem to understand why then I think it can be massively beneficial in some respect for your mental health (certainly I would have taken knowing I was autistic over struggling with people behind my back labelling me falsely as a sociopath or a psychopath just because I didn't "fit in.")

    On the other side, I wouldn't really know if a diagnosis would help with these social situations since I don't know what a diagnosis would entail in terms of support etc. While I have been getting assessed my current sixth form has been really helpful giving me a quiet space to eat alone and so forth but I still encounter plenty of difficulties with socialising at points during my day. Since I haven't yet been fully diagnosed I don't really know what support is available after diagnosis, for that you will have to rely on people who have already received that support to tell you. I don't know if a diagnosis would have helped me to work on my social deficits back in school but it certainly would have helped me to understand why I am different, to be succinct. 

    * To be clear this could be quite confusing. I've always shown autistic traits since I was a kid (hence why I am being assessed now) but they certainly became much more obvious in secondary school. Thats not to say I didn't have difficulties socialising as a younger kid, but rather I was clueless most of the time to the fact I would be doing anything wrong. There are actually some quite hilarious examples too!

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