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Advice please - 9 year old son with high performing autism

NAS81954

Hi there,

We have recently realised that our 9 year old son has (undiagnosed) high performing autism.  The thing is, although his school see in class the traits we see at home, they wont offer support as he is academically performing above his peers.  My son finds it difficult to make friends, he uses sarcasm (thinking it is funny) in the wrong context and his remarks can be cutting, his default conversation is about facts, 'did you know....' particularly when he is around people he doesn't know well, mouth stimming plus many other markers too.

Me and my hubby are trying to educate ourselves around high performing autism but there doesn't seem to be much out there.  We haven't told our son yet although recently he told me he feels like he doesn't fit in, and said 'I'm a bit weird, aren't I mum?' which was heartbreaking to hear.  I think we have decided to tell him before he starts secondary school in 2 years time, but we'll see what this next year brings first. I feel like I need to be fully educated before I tell him.  I need him to feel that we've got this, and sound confident around the subject, which right now seems a long way off.

I just don't know how to best support him.  I pick him up on things, like the sarcastic remarks, the mouth stimming (in a nice way, rather than tell him off) etc because I don't want him to chew is nails and fingers until they bleed etc, but the bottom line is, if this is part of who he is, how much will actually change anyway/ I don't want to dent his confidence and have him feel I'm always nit picking.  

- When do you know the best time to tell your child they have austism?

- is there any benefit to a diagnosis for high performing autism (I can't see any)?

- Can you recommend any books/ advise lines specifically around high performing autism?

- Any other advice or tips?

Thanks so much to anyone who can give any advice and help me find my way through this.  My son is amazing and I just want to get this right for him.

Parents

  • If you would like to see some positivity about autism to share with your son when you feel ready I recommend a book called "The Power of Neurodiversity" by PhD. Thomas Armstrong. In his book he doesn't deny the difficulties, but he sheds light onto the gifts autism and some other disabilities bring, how we can create a better environment for them, and even goes beyond childhood to sharing which jobs they will have an advantage at, most of his book is about how we can better and more effectively educate children and emphasise on their talents to build confidence.

    Concerning when to tell your son he's autistic, it doesn't seem long from now since he can sense there's something unique about himself, if he asks you why he's different that will likely be the time to tell him.

    As general advice, make sure he maintains a healthy sense of autonomy and avoid what we call "masking" or "camouflaging" which is hiding his autism. Masking has been found having detrimental impact on mental health.

    The only behaviours you want to be concerned about are any behaviours that cause harm to others or himself. Each behaviour often serves a purpose, like humming could be a calming mechanism.

    If you look for YouTube channels about autism you'll find channels of autistic adults who can speak for themselves explaining autism, their experiences, and possible ways to help autistic children. Those of us autistic are trying to educate the general public about what it's like to be autistic, don't just listen to one autistic person though, listen to many to hear more options. 

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  • If you would like to see some positivity about autism to share with your son when you feel ready I recommend a book called "The Power of Neurodiversity" by PhD. Thomas Armstrong. In his book he doesn't deny the difficulties, but he sheds light onto the gifts autism and some other disabilities bring, how we can create a better environment for them, and even goes beyond childhood to sharing which jobs they will have an advantage at, most of his book is about how we can better and more effectively educate children and emphasise on their talents to build confidence.

    Concerning when to tell your son he's autistic, it doesn't seem long from now since he can sense there's something unique about himself, if he asks you why he's different that will likely be the time to tell him.

    As general advice, make sure he maintains a healthy sense of autonomy and avoid what we call "masking" or "camouflaging" which is hiding his autism. Masking has been found having detrimental impact on mental health.

    The only behaviours you want to be concerned about are any behaviours that cause harm to others or himself. Each behaviour often serves a purpose, like humming could be a calming mechanism.

    If you look for YouTube channels about autism you'll find channels of autistic adults who can speak for themselves explaining autism, their experiences, and possible ways to help autistic children. Those of us autistic are trying to educate the general public about what it's like to be autistic, don't just listen to one autistic person though, listen to many to hear more options. 

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