• Replies 1 reply
  • Subscribers 67 subscribers
  • Views 484 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Help - Should I force my anxious 11yr old to stay on a trip away from home?

NAS78389

My son was diagnosed with ADHD and then ASD last year - he doesn't know about the ASD but is currently on holiday in Wales for 1 week, with his Nana and siblings. He calls us every night and morning, anxious and upset, begging us to bring him home. He's been struggling to sleep - up til 11pm and waking at 3am etc. He has a brilliant time in the day - going to the beach/visiting castles etc, but still wants to come home and is feeling incredibly anxious each evening. It's a 5hr round trip to collect him and we're both working (although I now work from home). But even if we could fetch him, is that teaching him that he doesn't need to stick these things out?  We know he's enjoying some of his holiday and think he's better off there than at home where he will be on his computer all day and missing out on the fun. But are we scarring him by putting him through this trauma?  He takes melatonin to help him sleep but it's not working. He has 3 more nights to get through - should we rescue him or leave him there?  Since he was diagnosed we've felt abandoned by the system with no one to turn to for advice and support - hope someone here can help? Thank you! xxx

  • I've just seen this and hopefully you've made a decision. This might be a good learning experience for everyone, it's probably important to write it down and not forget what happened. It's probably also important to let him sleep for a week and just detox in his room with video games and movies (in the dark if he wants). When my son hits a limit like this, I just leave him alone for days, make him dinner, coffee (he's older) etc. The great thing with just being respectful and kind and reasonable with kids, even if we've failed them is they grow up and treat us the same. 

    One of the first times I was on a trip like this, I had a severe breakdown after a week (meltdown). The director was sensitive enough to understand my extreme "introverted-ness" (no diagnosis at the time) and let me spend a whole day alone without interruption. He also encouraged me to take note of when I needed to excuse myself from the group for the following week. My teachers recognised this as well. This was the 80s and things were probably a bit different.

    The next best thing I'd suggest is to help him become more aware of his limits (though young males don't always appreciate this word, so best to not use it exactly), and teach him how to appropriately/respectfully assert agency when he is at his limit. As an adult, overextending my self isn't just a form of self-harm but it can crush my effectiveness in a job. Not understanding my strengths and limits can impact everyone around me. It's really a good rule for everyone, to be fair. This is different than pushing our limit for growth. It may be as he gets older the limit will change, but the recognition should become more fine tuned. It is one thing to continue to move a goal post. It is another to fail to see it.