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Awaiting diagnosis for suspected High Functioning ASD for my 15 year old son

Miss V

Hi everyone, I'm new here.  I'm currently almost a year into a waiting list for a consultation appointment for my son who CAMHS suspect has High Functioning Autism.

I actually don't even know where to start... when my son was a toddler, I had my suspicions. He didn't temper tantrum like "other" toddlers.  He used to just scowl and ball his fists up with rage, shaking and stare you down.  He also didn't like his brother touching his stuff, he wouldn't eat broken biscuits, wanted his clothes changed if a tiny bit of juice was spilled on them, broke into a rage if he coloured over the lines of a drawing and would rip it up and start again.  I spoke to the doctor, the nursery, the health visitor but they all told me he was fine - I guess because he was extremely intelligent and way ahead of his peers in relation to learning, speech etc. I guess they just didn't see the "normal" indicators for ASD.

My son grew up, eventually made friends (he had no interest in friendships until he was around 7 years old), starting going out, becoming sociable and he had a wicked dry sense of humour - he laughed, he smiled, he danced, he joked.

Fast forward to Christmas of 2020 and both myself and the school started to notice changes - he was skipping classes, he became withdrawn, he stopped communicating with friends and hanging around with them as often.  Now we're in 2022 and it's like I'm living with a robot.  I haven't seen my son smile or laugh in 2 years, I haven't been able to give him a hug as he flinches at the slightest touch.  He doesn't express any joy, happiness, sadness - it's just zero emotion and my heart is breaking.

He's incredibly intelligent, so much so the school have allowed him to start college early and he attends two afternoons a week - he want's to be an electrical engineer.

I do not know how to help him. I'm worried that he's sad, stressed, depressed and I'm doing nothing to support him.  His dad is in denial, thinks it's just teenage hormones and lockdown stress but I know different - I can feel it.  This is way too extreme.  It's putting pressure on my relationship with my partner as he gets frustrated with what he interprets as a lack of respect from my son towards me and other family members.

Has anyone else gone through this?  Is anyone going through it?  I have no idea where to turn, how to help him I'm completely lost and my heart is breaking for my son.

Parents

  • Hi, I know that it must be hard as a parent to go through all this, but as someone in a very similar position to your son, I might be able to give you some advice?

    I'm 16 and waiting for an ASD assessment, covid and lockdown caused me and many other autistic people to change a bit, for many reasons which will vary from person to person, but that's okay! We're still the same people, just expressing ourselves differently or struggling in different areas than we did before.

    It's clear you're struggling with your son's lack of affection, my parents struggled as well when I stopped liking physical contact, but its important to remember that autistic people can express affection differently. Have you ever heard of love languages? Physical touch, words of affection, quality time, ect? For me (and many other autistic people), I express affection by sharing my interests and things I like, because these things make me happy, and I want to share that joy! Researching some of your son's interests or asking him questions might help you reconnect with him again Physical touch can be really uncomfortable/ physically painful for some autistic people (this can change through our lives and depend on the person), and while for you a hug might be hugely comforting, it might not be for him.

    Think of it this way: at the moment you and your son are trying to communicate in two completely different languages, even if your telling him you love him, it just doesn't translate, but if you adapt to the language he's using, it'll become a lot easier to get through to him.

    In regards to your son not expressing emotions, some autistic people just dont. Or we express emotions in other ways, like stimming! I flap my hands and move about when I'm happy, but one of my friends (also autistic) doesn't express emotion is any obvious way- it all depends on the individual, and trying to connect with your son through his interests and encouraging stimming and other neurodivergent ways of communication might help you with that. (If you are able to get him some kind of counselling/therapy that might also ease your worries, but I know this isn't always accessible, and you'd also need to make sure the counsellor can support autistic people- alternatively maybe see if his school/college has some kind of guidance counsellor he can speak to?)

    Also maybe look into groups of autistic people, online or in person, for your son to join! I know that I personally really struggle to make friends with allistic (non-autistic) people, and being able to speak to other autistic people really helped me with my mental health and just existing as an autistic person :D

    You seem like a great parent who's genuinely trying to connect with your son, and I'm really sorry if any part of this came off as passive aggressive or villainising you- I really struggle with communicating and that was never my intention- I just wanted to give you some advice from the perspective of someone who has experienced the same stuff as your son. I wish you guys all the best! :D

  • in reply to NAS81843

    Hi there

    I thought I had replied to your message but I can't seem to see it.

    This response is so helpful and you sound like a fantastic young person - I want to thank you so much for replying and you have helped immensely.

    It's just me not having a clue how best to help and support my son and I worry I'm doing something wrong.

    I can't thank you enough for your advice and I have to say that your parents must be so proud of you!!  I know I would be!

    Thank you again, so very much.

Reply
  • in reply to NAS81843

    Hi there

    I thought I had replied to your message but I can't seem to see it.

    This response is so helpful and you sound like a fantastic young person - I want to thank you so much for replying and you have helped immensely.

    It's just me not having a clue how best to help and support my son and I worry I'm doing something wrong.

    I can't thank you enough for your advice and I have to say that your parents must be so proud of you!!  I know I would be!

    Thank you again, so very much.

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