Awaiting diagnosis for suspected High Functioning ASD for my 15 year old son

Hi, I know that it must be hard as a parent to go through all this, but as someone in a very similar position to your son, I might be able to give you some advice?

I'm 16 and waiting for an ASD assessment, covid and lockdown caused me and many other autistic people to change a bit, for many reasons which will vary from person to person, but that's okay! We're still the same people, just expressing ourselves differently or struggling in different areas than we did before.

It's clear you're struggling with your son's lack of affection, my parents struggled as well when I stopped liking physical contact, but its important to remember that autistic people can express affection differently. Have you ever heard of love languages? Physical touch, words of affection, quality time, ect? For me (and many other autistic people), I express affection by sharing my interests and things I like, because these things make me happy, and I want to share that joy! Researching some of your son's interests or asking him questions might help you reconnect with him again Physical touch can be really uncomfortable/ physically painful for some autistic people (this can change through our lives and depend on the person), and while for you a hug might be hugely comforting, it might not be for him.

Think of it this way: at the moment you and your son are trying to communicate in two completely different languages, even if your telling him you love him, it just doesn't translate, but if you adapt to the language he's using, it'll become a lot easier to get through to him.

In regards to your son not expressing emotions, some autistic people just dont. Or we express emotions in other ways, like stimming! I flap my hands and move about when I'm happy, but one of my friends (also autistic) doesn't express emotion is any obvious way- it all depends on the individual, and trying to connect with your son through his interests and encouraging stimming and other neurodivergent ways of communication might help you with that. (If you are able to get him some kind of counselling/therapy that might also ease your worries, but I know this isn't always accessible, and you'd also need to make sure the counsellor can support autistic people- alternatively maybe see if his school/college has some kind of guidance counsellor he can speak to?)

Also maybe look into groups of autistic people, online or in person, for your son to join! I know that I personally really struggle to make friends with allistic (non-autistic) people, and being able to speak to other autistic people really helped me with my mental health and just existing as an autistic person :D

You seem like a great parent who's genuinely trying to connect with your son, and I'm really sorry if any part of this came off as passive aggressive or villainising you- I really struggle with communicating and that was never my intention- I just wanted to give you some advice from the perspective of someone who has experienced the same stuff as your son. I wish you guys all the best! :D

This is such a helpful response, it's so interesting to hear your insights.  I hope you don't have to wait too long for your assessment, it must be one of the hardest parts, that and whatever the outcome is?  

How did you feel once things were explained to you about a possible autism diagnosis?  Did it help things make a bit more sense and put you more at ease?  I don't know how to go about talking to my son about this, his assessment is in a couple of months.  I want to be honest, but I don't know how much he will understand.

With my son, it's not so much the lack of affection that I struggle with, it's that he can't express how he's feeling.  He gets really frustrated and then so angry that he shouts and is abusive, more with me that his dad.  I have started walking away when this happens, I used to get angry and shout back.  I try not to take it personally but this is quite difficult.  He will apologise once he's calmed down, but I want him to know this isn't an acceptable way of talking to people.  Most of our issues are surrounding schoolwork / homework.

I didn't think it could have been lockdown that made the situation come to light, but it's very well possible.  He quite enjoyed lockdown learning over Zoom.  When he did go back to classroom in September his year group was mixed up and all the boys he used to be friendly with were in a different class.  He struggled to make new connections, except for with one girl who he is close to.  I also think he's had some bullying, which he is reluctant to talk about with me.  

With better understanding from me, we have moved forward a lot, from not liking each other to being much more accepting.  I just want to help him  as much as I can.  

Miss V - I understand what you say about your partner and how he interprets the behaviour as my husband would get very angry and then this would make the situation much worse.  I've tried to explain to him what I'm learning and it's not always easy but he doesn't react the way he used to and tries to be more understanding too.

Hi - Actually, I wasn't surprised when they mentioned it.  When my son was a toddler, I questioned his behaviours with the nursery, my GP and my Health Visitor but they all said he was fine.  He never threw a tantrum like other kids, there was no kicking, screaming or rolling about the floor.  Instead, he used to just ball his fists up and shake in a rage whilst keeping eye contact and lowering his brow.  It was like he was boiling up inside.  He also had some little things like if he spilled the tiniest drop of juice on his clothes he would want them changed and hated his little brother touching his stuff. He was invited to parties and he would go but he sat by himself and didn't interact with the other little ones - he said that's what he wanted to do.  He didn't really make friends until about Primary 3, around 7yrs old but it was his choice!!

After a while, because he was so intelligent, switched on and making friends, I forgot about how he used to be.  I thought maybe that was just his little way.

It's now coming back to haunt me and I wish I pushed harder.  So whilst I wasn't surprised by the potential diagnosis I felt like I'd let my son down.  I should have advocated for him harder but I just didn't know.

My son doesn't express emotion either - I have no idea if he's happy, sad, scared, content.  It's just a blank canvas and when just two years I had the complete opposite, I can totally understand how you feel.  My son doesn't get abusive or anything - he just ignores everyone.  There are times he's missed school because he refused to get out of bed.

I just discovered last week (from a mum who's daughter is in his class and they used to be friends until he changed and distanced himself from her) that's he's been badly bullied in this class and although there area couple of ring leaders, it's like a pack mentality who were surrounding him.

I think I slept 3 hours on and off that night and could barely open my eyes - they were so puffy and swollen from crying.

I kept him off the next day, phoned the school and was straight in for a meeting.  It's being dealt with but the pain I feel thinking he was shouldering this for months it's almost unbearable.  He says he wasn't scared, it didn't bother him and although he wanted it to stop it was because it was just annoying more than anything else.  Even that upset me.

If I can give you any advice, as this is what I'm trying to do, is to read up about High Functioning ASD and how it can affect those involved, including how they interact with family members.  I sometimes feel my partner is just moaning about him all the time and it just hurts me so much because I know my boy is still in there.  I feel so defensive but then I worry I'm being soft as my partner says some of his behaviour is just being rude.  I disagree - I think it just doesn't occur to him now to say thank you, or speak to someone etc.

I'm always here if you need a chat... I really hope you can start to find some peace soon.  I think I know only too well how you must be feeling right now.

xxx

Hi - Actually, I wasn't surprised when they mentioned it.  When my son was a toddler, I questioned his behaviours with the nursery, my GP and my Health Visitor but they all said he was fine.  He never threw a tantrum like other kids, there was no kicking, screaming or rolling about the floor.  Instead, he used to just ball his fists up and shake in a rage whilst keeping eye contact and lowering his brow.  It was like he was boiling up inside.  He also had some little things like if he spilled the tiniest drop of juice on his clothes he would want them changed and hated his little brother touching his stuff. He was invited to parties and he would go but he sat by himself and didn't interact with the other little ones - he said that's what he wanted to do.  He didn't really make friends until about Primary 3, around 7yrs old but it was his choice!!

After a while, because he was so intelligent, switched on and making friends, I forgot about how he used to be.  I thought maybe that was just his little way.

It's now coming back to haunt me and I wish I pushed harder.  So whilst I wasn't surprised by the potential diagnosis I felt like I'd let my son down.  I should have advocated for him harder but I just didn't know.

My son doesn't express emotion either - I have no idea if he's happy, sad, scared, content.  It's just a blank canvas and when just two years I had the complete opposite, I can totally understand how you feel.  My son doesn't get abusive or anything - he just ignores everyone.  There are times he's missed school because he refused to get out of bed.

I just discovered last week (from a mum who's daughter is in his class and they used to be friends until he changed and distanced himself from her) that's he's been badly bullied in this class and although there area couple of ring leaders, it's like a pack mentality who were surrounding him.

I think I slept 3 hours on and off that night and could barely open my eyes - they were so puffy and swollen from crying.

I kept him off the next day, phoned the school and was straight in for a meeting.  It's being dealt with but the pain I feel thinking he was shouldering this for months it's almost unbearable.  He says he wasn't scared, it didn't bother him and although he wanted it to stop it was because it was just annoying more than anything else.  Even that upset me.

If I can give you any advice, as this is what I'm trying to do, is to read up about High Functioning ASD and how it can affect those involved, including how they interact with family members.  I sometimes feel my partner is just moaning about him all the time and it just hurts me so much because I know my boy is still in there.  I feel so defensive but then I worry I'm being soft as my partner says some of his behaviour is just being rude.  I disagree - I think it just doesn't occur to him now to say thank you, or speak to someone etc.

I'm always here if you need a chat... I really hope you can start to find some peace soon.  I think I know only too well how you must be feeling right now.

xxx