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Help - how do you deal with a asd partner who themselves is controlling

NAS81459

Hi

Am partner to a diagnosed (few years back) adult asd person.  Certainly before leaving job they recorded all  incidents at work and unbeknown to me recorded hours of anything at home.  Before they had (looking back) always been controlling (like if you loved me you'd do this or that) and on being confronted by an acquaintance prior to diagnosis as always being angry, they had undertaken therapy.  They were then noticeably more pleasant at work and at home.  However, after diagnosis of dyspraxia a year or so later, they reverted slowly to being demanding, antagonotistic and always right.  They also decided that as they were disabled, they could pretty much do anything without recourse and lost friends through that attitude.  They became more volatile and abusive towards me (eg shopping would call me stupid, a f ***ing moron because I had said that a certain item was in the previous supermarket isle - other shoppers at some points clearly wanting to step in). 

Fast forward to a child being born and partner disintegrates substantially; walks out of job, tries to sue them using bits of recorded material posted on internet, constantly puts people down, falls out with family and is generally verbally abusive to anyone and everyone.  Obtains a full asd diagnosis and decides to champion the cause but in doing so believes everyone is against them including young child who is said to abuse the parent (they are anything between 12 months old to 4 years at this point).    They go on to accuse others (partner, parents, support workers, solicitors, their young child) of gaslighting them or blame them for silly things such as tripping them up when no one is near.  The adult on questioning says this means lying when there is more to the term of gaslighting than this simple explanation.  This adult is autistic but does it give them the ok to abuse others?  At this point I'm having trouble thinking of any reason to stay.  Child is confused and acting up badly depending on how autistic parent has behaved and is increasingly obvious.  Counselling?  Anything else worth trying?  Am at my wits end.

  • Oh wow. 

    This is why I believe it is important to create distinctions between what is a healthy boundary and what is abuse. What are traits and what is necessary for character growth. I am autistic. I have had incredible difficulties navigating life, and was noticeably a child until my late 20s, but have never desired to not be open to growth. 

    A relationship will dictate what is required. A Role dictates certain Responsibilities. In a partnership if both parties are considerate and respectful of one another, help build trust, then certain responsibilities go along with that. It is irresponsible for either individual to hold unreasonable expectations and it is at elementary base important to afford room for growth and curate understanding. By no means should I be so self-revolving that I should be able to do as I wish regardless of how it impacts the other. That's just greed.

    As a parent, mentor, authority figure, my job is to lead by example. No child is ever abusive by default. They are always attempting to express or just responding without discipline from years of growth. And while a teenager can be destructive, most teenagers with responsible though imperfect parents will be helped to focus energy in an unharmful manner. It is incredibly harmful to expect a child to operate in the role of a parent. 

    The most obvious complication between Non-autstic and Autistic is a relational difficulty simply due to not checking ones cognitive bias or just pausing a second before responding and asking the others intent. But getting our control issues sorted so we do not take them out on others regardless of the others actions are all of our personal responsibilities - to the best of our capacity.

    Now, this:

    NAS81459 said:
    if you loved me you'd do this or that

    is not how an adult negotiates. Rather, is it expected of a 10 year old. Instead we learn to choose vulnerability with a partner who respects that when we expose our most raw selves they will not take advantage. (learning to build trust) "I need help with X. I'd like you to help but I'm not sure if I'm overreaching." 

    This person may need to live alone for a while and find a therapist, advisor, someone with a bit of wisdom who can help them learn better ways to operate and co-operate with other humans. To me it sounds like a great deal of personal perspectives need adjusting but from living in a survival mode state for a very long time. There is a saying which states, "Hurting people, hurt people". For now, until they get help, they sound as if they are violating very basic principles of humanness and maybe because they have been violated most of their life and have not learned to identify and reason - or navigate. 

    A partner is a specific set of Rules. A parent is a very specific set of responsibilities. I would appeal to this individuals totalitarian mode/dictator mode and let them know until they understand these, that you are prepared to _____. And here you will need to reason through your own negotiations. But in my personal experience I have decided to simply respond "appropriately". I usually have a threshold and once it's crossed in this kind of situation, I let go of the other, walk away as best I can and leave them to sort themselves out. We cannot control others. We can let them know what we're willing to accept and where the lines are only by kindly explaining and follow through. 

    I don't doubt this individual has been stunted in emotional growth. I feel so sad for situations like this. They have been left to the wild, essentially, attempting to raise themselves. Now it is your turn to make lists of what is unacceptable. Sometimes there are types of damage that, once done, can never be undone.

  • Being autistic is not an excuse for abusive behaviour, except, perhaps, during a meltdown, but only because in a meltdown the autistic person is entirely overwhelmed. Neither is it an excuse for controlling behaviour. It looks like your partner is using autism to excuse unpleasant behaviour not caused by being autistic. I am autistic and I have never verbally abused my wife or children. I recognise them as autonomous human beings that I help and support, but do not seek to control.

  • Hi, so sorry youre going through such a stressful situation. Im afraid I dont have a solution, but after reading your partners symptoms, I realise he has a diagnosis of ASD, which I know well as my 2 adult sons are autistic and my husband has traits, but there sounds to be symptoms very much like my mother suffered with called PPD, paranoid personality disorder, there wasnt much support back then about 20 years ago, but possibly more help now, maybe talk to your own doctor yourself first to see what they suggest. Best of luck, take care.