Im new to all this so forgive me if my questions seem a little silly. But my 11 year old has real meltdowns when my partner comes anywhere near me..if he gives me a hug, she goes crazy.
Is this a typical autistic trait? Or is she just being naughty and silly.
As a mum and a female and someone who's spent years learning about some of this, I want to suggest there's a lot more here and some things to consider.
She might see something in this partner which she doesn't feel safe with.
Autistic individuals tend to be impacted to a far greater impact by senses including emotional and psychological. They might also have an incredibly difficult time with language and expression, intaking information well beyond their capacity to identify and disseminate. For instance, at a small dinner, the autistic might be able to sense the discrepancies between words and intention, variations of emotional exchanges, motives and only be able to identify them as safe or unsafe. Helpful or Harmful - but they might not even have these terms at their disposal and the frustration of sensing all these overwhelming psychological exchanges without an adult wisdom and education to spell them out or deal with them appropriately can cause an incredible surge of frustration.
It's important to help her at least identify matters of what is safe and helpful in others and matters of what is unsafe and unhelpful.
The issue with Jealousy is an interesting one. First, not to be confused with Envy. (I'm not actually jealous of someone with a dress I want, I'm envious, for ex.)
Jealousy can be inappropriate and can be appropriate. It has to do with investment and should always be minded in context of the relationship. If I'm with a partner and I don't feel jealous when they enjoy the intimate relations with another female, it's a sign to myself that I might not actually be a suitable mate for this person. Jealousy in an appropriate measure is about protecting our investment, much like protecting a savings account we've worked years to build. We might feel jealous of a close friend who shares secrets with their other close friend, if that other friend is a bit of competition (not the healthy type). One should protect their home, children, pets, etc. Jealousy can mark What is Important. What we do with that information is secondary. In a parent/child relationship, the parent has a responsibility to fulfil and due to the Roles and Responsibilities, a child who feels threatened or depleted by interference from an external source, isn't technically jealous. Learning to share our parents affection can be difficult, the parent is biologically and emotionally a life-source. This isn't an easy transition and maybe it's better to include her in what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps, if you respectfully ask if she would mind if you could hold hands with this boyfriend, simply attempting to respect how she feels might change the whole situation. It might not happen over night. But she is impacted. This human is taking on a Father-Like representation regardless of his desire or hers or yours. She is a part of this. Now if she were grown and had her own life, you could do as you please. But choosing to treat her with respect like this, will actually teach her to be respectful in return without ever having to explain it.
It's far more common for a young female to feel jealous of the time their father invests with a new wife or girlfriend. A mother tends to psychology and sociologically play a different role in a young girls life. But if certain needs are unmet, a child will feel a deficit if it appears the mother is giving themselves to another. It's not Jealousy. But it appears like it. The best situation here is to work out what needs of hers are unmet in order for her to feel happy for you to be giving them to others.
Is it possible she feels a type of betrayal on behalf of her biological father? Again, it would be difficult for her to understand what she experiencing internally, another thing which would need help being explored or drawn out in a safe environment for her to speak freely without consequence. Once we can see what is happening, we can address it properly and hopefully find a resolve even if it is a difficult one.
As a mum and a female and someone who's spent years learning about some of this, I want to suggest there's a lot more here and some things to consider.
She might see something in this partner which she doesn't feel safe with.
Autistic individuals tend to be impacted to a far greater impact by senses including emotional and psychological. They might also have an incredibly difficult time with language and expression, intaking information well beyond their capacity to identify and disseminate. For instance, at a small dinner, the autistic might be able to sense the discrepancies between words and intention, variations of emotional exchanges, motives and only be able to identify them as safe or unsafe. Helpful or Harmful - but they might not even have these terms at their disposal and the frustration of sensing all these overwhelming psychological exchanges without an adult wisdom and education to spell them out or deal with them appropriately can cause an incredible surge of frustration.
It's important to help her at least identify matters of what is safe and helpful in others and matters of what is unsafe and unhelpful.
The issue with Jealousy is an interesting one. First, not to be confused with Envy. (I'm not actually jealous of someone with a dress I want, I'm envious, for ex.)
Jealousy can be inappropriate and can be appropriate. It has to do with investment and should always be minded in context of the relationship. If I'm with a partner and I don't feel jealous when they enjoy the intimate relations with another female, it's a sign to myself that I might not actually be a suitable mate for this person. Jealousy in an appropriate measure is about protecting our investment, much like protecting a savings account we've worked years to build. We might feel jealous of a close friend who shares secrets with their other close friend, if that other friend is a bit of competition (not the healthy type). One should protect their home, children, pets, etc. Jealousy can mark What is Important. What we do with that information is secondary. In a parent/child relationship, the parent has a responsibility to fulfil and due to the Roles and Responsibilities, a child who feels threatened or depleted by interference from an external source, isn't technically jealous. Learning to share our parents affection can be difficult, the parent is biologically and emotionally a life-source. This isn't an easy transition and maybe it's better to include her in what she feels comfortable with. Perhaps, if you respectfully ask if she would mind if you could hold hands with this boyfriend, simply attempting to respect how she feels might change the whole situation. It might not happen over night. But she is impacted. This human is taking on a Father-Like representation regardless of his desire or hers or yours. She is a part of this. Now if she were grown and had her own life, you could do as you please. But choosing to treat her with respect like this, will actually teach her to be respectful in return without ever having to explain it.
It's far more common for a young female to feel jealous of the time their father invests with a new wife or girlfriend. A mother tends to psychology and sociologically play a different role in a young girls life. But if certain needs are unmet, a child will feel a deficit if it appears the mother is giving themselves to another. It's not Jealousy. But it appears like it. The best situation here is to work out what needs of hers are unmet in order for her to feel happy for you to be giving them to others.
Is it possible she feels a type of betrayal on behalf of her biological father? Again, it would be difficult for her to understand what she experiencing internally, another thing which would need help being explored or drawn out in a safe environment for her to speak freely without consequence. Once we can see what is happening, we can address it properly and hopefully find a resolve even if it is a difficult one.
Thankyou for your response. My daughter actually gets on well with my partner. She will often come in and sit on his knee and he can often calm her when i cant.
She says i am hers. And thats that. She thinks i love my other child more and him more. As much as a i reassure her. If another child talks to me, she comes over and holds on to me, to let them know i am.hers.
I know all children can be territorial etc. But this goes beyond that. My other daughter is fine. She had a few moments when the relationship was new but accepts him and me now.
My autistic child, on the other hand, still struggles. This is why i wondered if it had something to do with the way her brain wS wired or just her personality.
