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11 year old "naughty" for me but not her dad

NAS79742

My daughter has just been diagnosed, only 1 month ago with autism. She is relatively mild but it is getting worse, to the point i am struggling with her outbursts. Me and her dad arent together and she goes to him twice a week. There, she is well behaved, quiet and does as she is told..as soon as she arrives home, she melts down over the smallest thing. 

Ie. Her sister touched one of her dolls nappys. Today  she had a bump in her hair and said it was ruining the whole day. On holiday, she wouldnt be away from my side or allow my partner near me. She would scream and break down everynight. Yet at her dads, she wont. She says she doesnt like her dad cuddling his wife, but wont say anything. 

Why can she control this with him, but wont for me? Is this behavioural more than anxiety. Or is it the "mask" comes off for me?

Im feeling like a rubbish parent at the minute. That her dad is doing something right and im not. Im making her get angry or not strict enough with her, or not explaining well enough. I just dont know what to do. 

Any advice or help is greatly appreciated on this. 

Thanks

Parents

  • A mask is an unconscious thing. What it sounds like is she feels safe around you but perhaps she is 'holding her breath' around him. 

    It's important to not misunderstand an Autistic Individuals silence. We can 'behave' or, a better term here is express (as in expression) the opposite of our NeuroTypical peers. Which is why ABA doesn't work - it misperceives us entirely. We can have different motives even, if in fact, most of the time we do. 

    My mother would assume I was behaved when she forced us into compliance with fear, when what ws really happening was a very deep resentment would continue to build while being forced into a state of resignation. It was teaching me to allow abuse, to be abused, to not understand boundaries and that impacted the abusive men I ended up dating into my 30s. She and I don't have a relationship now.

    Becoming a mother myself, I ended up reading how to mother. How to fail as a mother and luckily had a really amazing grandmother. I learned that the more I work on myself, self-compassion, personal growth, the more I care about my son's self-compassion and his personal growth. The other thing is, there is a place for a mother and a father. They are unique - they are biologically not the same. And daughters need role models. Even when they grow up, if you keep growing you can always light their path ahead. A father-daughter relationship is at core entirely different than a mother-daughter relationship. In a perfect world, we might out-grow the same sex parent and hopefully have an order of respect.

    Most children can fall into extremes. Autistic individuals are impacted much more severely than NTs, and that sensitivity + focus can make us incredibly skilled or sharp, but like all children our greatest asset will work against us until we learn to nurture, care for and work with our strengths/weaknesses.

    If she feels like you are the only person in the world she can 'be herself' with her extremes and chaos and intensities, because you can contain these like no one else, then perhaps you are the best mother she could hope for. 

Reply

  • A mask is an unconscious thing. What it sounds like is she feels safe around you but perhaps she is 'holding her breath' around him. 

    It's important to not misunderstand an Autistic Individuals silence. We can 'behave' or, a better term here is express (as in expression) the opposite of our NeuroTypical peers. Which is why ABA doesn't work - it misperceives us entirely. We can have different motives even, if in fact, most of the time we do. 

    My mother would assume I was behaved when she forced us into compliance with fear, when what ws really happening was a very deep resentment would continue to build while being forced into a state of resignation. It was teaching me to allow abuse, to be abused, to not understand boundaries and that impacted the abusive men I ended up dating into my 30s. She and I don't have a relationship now.

    Becoming a mother myself, I ended up reading how to mother. How to fail as a mother and luckily had a really amazing grandmother. I learned that the more I work on myself, self-compassion, personal growth, the more I care about my son's self-compassion and his personal growth. The other thing is, there is a place for a mother and a father. They are unique - they are biologically not the same. And daughters need role models. Even when they grow up, if you keep growing you can always light their path ahead. A father-daughter relationship is at core entirely different than a mother-daughter relationship. In a perfect world, we might out-grow the same sex parent and hopefully have an order of respect.

    Most children can fall into extremes. Autistic individuals are impacted much more severely than NTs, and that sensitivity + focus can make us incredibly skilled or sharp, but like all children our greatest asset will work against us until we learn to nurture, care for and work with our strengths/weaknesses.

    If she feels like you are the only person in the world she can 'be herself' with her extremes and chaos and intensities, because you can contain these like no one else, then perhaps you are the best mother she could hope for. 

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