Handling undesirable behaviour

Hi.

I'm currently in the same situation as you with my 10 year old daughter. 

I can see when a meltdown is coming but my partner cannot. I try distract her by talking about anything, could be from months ago - sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Then we have other situations where there is no tell tale signs, these are the worst to get under control. We had this type of situation last week and unfortunately I had to shout her name really loud to get her attention. I then took, control of the situation which enabled her to calm down which later I then spoke to her and explained how she reacted wrongly and it was a disaster. 

It's is a case of trial and error for us.

Probably not been much use but just wanted to let you know your not alone. 

Reading this, I'm curious to understand what happened? At 10 she may not be able to communicate this.

Distractions, sadly, aren't a solution, and actually a lack of resolution for Autistics can create bad memories. They can haunt us through adulthood.If you're having these on repeat, it could be the same assaults she's responding to and finding frustration navigating. 

Feeling the need to shout at an autistic child is a mark that too much is happening either in their head and/or in their external environment - chaos.

We don't have super-powers, but this is not far from our reality: www.youtube.com/watch

Sensory overload can come from physical, emotional and psychological senses. From seeing a creepy exchange and being too young to identify it, intaking a lung-full of conflicting scents, not being able to identify a complex assortment of feelings in response, coupled with petroleum based fibres in ones clothes, possible gut issues, strange chemicals from cleaning agents causing difficulty breathing and painful LEDs, echoes, too many sounds resonating all at once including electrical frequencies most NeuroTypcials manage to dull out. And if they're in an unfamiliar space one has not prepared to navigate, with micro-agressiens from others, feeling robbed of agency or protection, all in one moment... it's too much. 

While it's good to teach all children morals and quality principles, for autistic children, it is important to give them positive ways to work through a situation. Ideas for how to respond in a boundary-less situation rather than telling them they were wrong. My grandmother had told me I never needed to tell my son "No", just teach him how to do a thing correctly. Or create an exchange, so he can let go of a default option and take hold of something better. 

Can you help her understand and recognise when you recognise she is at the end of her tether? She needs to become familiar with identifying a feeling she cannot sense, it seems. This can be one of the biggest issues with autism: interoception and alexithymia. We might just fall into a puddle of tears for lack of understanding ourselves, due to difficulty with language when it's much too late. And then never be able to understand when we crossed that threshold and what pushed us over the edge. The parents role here is to shield / protect a child from harm. and while we cannot protect them forever, if we succeed in laying the groundwork by containing emotions, helping them recognise a function that is hurtful and doing what's necessary so they don't feel assaulted by the world, we can help them grow into their strengths and create adults who are prepared to deal with what will eventually come at them. Build responsibility rather than resilience. 

An Autistic child who goes silent once yelled at is lapsing into a frozen state of withdrawal and survival. This is not good for growth and it severs connexion. Too many times and they eventually realise no one will protect them from harm and at worst only grow into a shell of themselves. 

But for us, everything is fixable. It's so important in these moments to be able to exit or be removed from harm. 

Unlike Superman, we cannot de-sensitise. That is part of Non-Autistic wiring. Ask any adult here, who after 40 is finally able to cut ties with toxic family members and build a sensory-safe home. It is unique to our neuro-wiring. And in some ways, it is an incredible ability that has great use in society if properly sheilded.

Reading this, I'm curious to understand what happened? At 10 she may not be able to communicate this.

Distractions, sadly, aren't a solution, and actually a lack of resolution for Autistics can create bad memories. They can haunt us through adulthood.If you're having these on repeat, it could be the same assaults she's responding to and finding frustration navigating. 

Feeling the need to shout at an autistic child is a mark that too much is happening either in their head and/or in their external environment - chaos.

We don't have super-powers, but this is not far from our reality: www.youtube.com/watch

Sensory overload can come from physical, emotional and psychological senses. From seeing a creepy exchange and being too young to identify it, intaking a lung-full of conflicting scents, not being able to identify a complex assortment of feelings in response, coupled with petroleum based fibres in ones clothes, possible gut issues, strange chemicals from cleaning agents causing difficulty breathing and painful LEDs, echoes, too many sounds resonating all at once including electrical frequencies most NeuroTypcials manage to dull out. And if they're in an unfamiliar space one has not prepared to navigate, with micro-agressiens from others, feeling robbed of agency or protection, all in one moment... it's too much. 

While it's good to teach all children morals and quality principles, for autistic children, it is important to give them positive ways to work through a situation. Ideas for how to respond in a boundary-less situation rather than telling them they were wrong. My grandmother had told me I never needed to tell my son "No", just teach him how to do a thing correctly. Or create an exchange, so he can let go of a default option and take hold of something better. 

Can you help her understand and recognise when you recognise she is at the end of her tether? She needs to become familiar with identifying a feeling she cannot sense, it seems. This can be one of the biggest issues with autism: interoception and alexithymia. We might just fall into a puddle of tears for lack of understanding ourselves, due to difficulty with language when it's much too late. And then never be able to understand when we crossed that threshold and what pushed us over the edge. The parents role here is to shield / protect a child from harm. and while we cannot protect them forever, if we succeed in laying the groundwork by containing emotions, helping them recognise a function that is hurtful and doing what's necessary so they don't feel assaulted by the world, we can help them grow into their strengths and create adults who are prepared to deal with what will eventually come at them. Build responsibility rather than resilience. 

An Autistic child who goes silent once yelled at is lapsing into a frozen state of withdrawal and survival. This is not good for growth and it severs connexion. Too many times and they eventually realise no one will protect them from harm and at worst only grow into a shell of themselves. 

But for us, everything is fixable. It's so important in these moments to be able to exit or be removed from harm. 

Unlike Superman, we cannot de-sensitise. That is part of Non-Autistic wiring. Ask any adult here, who after 40 is finally able to cut ties with toxic family members and build a sensory-safe home. It is unique to our neuro-wiring. And in some ways, it is an incredible ability that has great use in society if properly sheilded.