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9 year old hitting during meltdown & tantrum

NAS81237

Hi everyone, I am new here just looking for advice please. 

my son is 9 and since the heatwave and then the summer holidays have began he has become very unsettled at bedtime. He is in mainstream school and not coped very well this year EHCP assessment accepted and underway. He has very high school anxiety and I thought the summer holidays would bring him rest bite after just a week of the holidays  he is settled in the day but as soon as it’s time to settle down at bedtime he starts making a moaning sound displays how school is to hard he’s never going back , he can’t sleep ect this then turns into anger throwing things around his room and hitting me. Now some nights it’s definitely a meltdown tonight when I gave him 3 warnings to stop hitting me and then told him he had lost his electronics tomorrow for hitting he then begged for them back. I told him he had one last chance not to hit which he didn’t again but he continued to throw stuff around his room. My question is this , I know this anger is coming and building from a place of anxiety so I sympathise with his frustrations , school is extremely stressful for him and he has never slept through ever this frustrates him too as he says he wants to be able to sleep but can’t. He also hates feeling tired the next day. ( we are waiting for community paediatrician appointment for this )  however I can not have him hitting people in frustration, am I right and fair to take away electronics for hitting ? This doesn’t seem fair during a meltdown and I want him to feel understood and comforted when having a meltdown. However he hurt a child in school and staff member this year so he does need a clear boundary. 

Any advice appreciated. 

Thanks 

  • in reply to NAS75162

    Hi, yes this is something we are learning more about .we are going to bring it up with his paediatrician when we finally get a appointment.  Thank you for your advice. 

  • in reply to NAS81237

    Has your son always been like this or only recently, as there is a co existing condition with autism which is PDA pathological demand avoidance where they struggle with every day demands and hitting out, but usually the signs start around the age in 6-7 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thank you so much for your helpful reply. This describes him exactly, his school are very supportive but mainstream is not where he should be , we are hoping once his ehcp gets processed he will be able to move to a specialist school and he will feel much more relaxed with the correct support . Thank you for your tips and great advice. 

  • He needs sleep. Will he nap? He sounds beyond exhausted. 

    NAS81237 said:
    school is extremely stressful

    So every night he is probably trouble shooting a complex on-going assortment of unresolved problems, assaults, etc. He is encountering dread. He's trying to find solutions to things beyond his control. See if this company can help https://www.autismeducationtrust.org.uk Things need to change at the school in order for him to not be tormented like this. As a mother, I feel your pain. 

    When he's less upset, reason with him. Ask him what he would feel would be a proper course of action to teach him not to hit. He might feel like a failure for loosing it in the moment. He may simply need better options of what to do when he feels trapped, under threat - can he leave? Does he have something to take all that anger and frustration out on? 

    What makes Autism unique is how intensely we experience life. Senses include emotions. And emotions of injustice can be the most terrorising. This degree of stress is not healthy for him and it is being caused by factors which could probably be adjusted. He needs to feel safe, not terrified of what's going to happen the next day. 

    I used to have trouble sleeping when I had a particular contract job the following day or I started a new job. It was horrible. I was afraid I wouldn't wake up and get fired. I was afraid of an overload of unknown variables which I had no idea how to navigate. We thrive in environments which we're fully prepared for. Which support our innate talents. Human friendly Environments not ones with artificial lighting and assaulting sounds (electrical, reverberations from poorly crafted acoustics, chemically made scents, unnatural petroleum based fibres like polyester, etc.)

    Until you sort out what is causing him stress, see if you cannot watch movies together until he falls asleep or better still - Read to him. Take his mind off what's coming next. Don't worry if he's still in his day clothes or hasn't brushed teeth. The important thing is to help him just enjoy the night with you. It may detour your evening schedule for a bit. But it could also be habit forming, to where eventually every night is a time to de-stress. Eventually he may ask to fall asleep alone.

  • in reply to Chloe Mod

    Hi Chloe,

    Thats great . Thank you for your advice . 

  • Hello ,

    I'm sorry to hear that you have been struggling with your son's behaviour. Individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. There will generally be a reason for this and it is important to try and understand the trigger for the behaviour when developing strategies. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

     You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

    You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: 

    https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.  They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ 

    All the best,

    ChloeMod