15 year old son with severe anxiety not attending school, possible autism / ADHD - help to know where to start for tests

Thank you for your reply. you gave me some answers to questions I had. Fingers crossed he will find ways of coping and hopefully I won't muck them up with my lack of understanding.

Thank for your reply we are in Leeds unfortunately not close to you, and like you I had already made the decision it needed to be done face to face, Im still trying to find someone to help, fingers crossed for all of us.  I will look into DBT maybe that will help him.

A brother late diagnosed is a sign that one might not notice traits due to a lack of understanding, knowledge, education on the matter. 

Pre-1980, the autistic 'wiring' perhaps needed little notice. Society perhaps sat through church once a week and were allowed to consider that not everyone thinks or reasons the same. But in this current climate, where Corporations can use adverts to homogenise thinking in society, where schools are shifting from education to NTypical socialising for grading and where individuals are no longer checking their cognitive bias but presuming everyone uses language the same and should be able to mature and learn the same, it is imperative for those who are autistic to be able to help the rest of society understand these are not little nuances of difference. Our autistic beings are marginalised to homelessness or unjustly accused, many experience an incredible amount of prejudice from a majority who assumes competition is a normal mode of communication, and traumatising, cruel practices focus on behaviour based on NeuroTypcial Motives rather than Autistic expression of intellect. This is of grave concern.

By todays standards, not noticing is normal. From an autistic perspective, someone who does not relate with other autistic beings won't need a diagnostic and won't really identify with how they socialise or exchange ideas. It's a very hard (as in contrasting) difference.

Is your brother close? It sounds like he could first use a male mentor. beyond biological and social, there are differences between males and females to where they can use someone older as a role model within their own gender. Sometimes it even helps an adult assuming that role become responsible, like the 'art' of parenting. No one really goes in fully ready.

For kids who aren't quite adults but also aren't children, they just won't know enough. They might not see any successful adults who are autistic who they might feel they relate with. As humans we tend to understand ourselves as reflected in another. 

Technically, one autistic difference with how we use language and communicate can be beneficial, as we're not hypnotised like normal society into corporate adverts. The analytical brain also cannot reason well if it is too concerned about semiotics - meaning and symbolism, or associations and inclusion. It's important for him to be able to discover where he excels and allow him space to do and become without stress. 

My son loves skateboarding, it is a together but separate sport. Autistic individuals tend to work well in these forms of sport which I only have myself to compete against. We don't have the ability to pick up unspoken group social cues, which one needs for something like football. We want to feel accepted. When in a social setting with designated rules, order, specifics to talk about, we can feel 'normal'. But when thrown into NeuroTypical social groups with nebulous constructs of communication, fluctuating rules and unspoken social expectations, it's not only stressful and overwhelming but can create issues of safety (especially with boys - dominance and hierarchy can be taken out on each other physically and aggressively). 

If he can focus on learning by himself rather than at school, I would encourage that. And encourage wherever he feels confident with socialising. Most autistics enter society completely traumatised by being forced into an environment they cannot learn in, and social constructs they will never win in, this would be part of what your brother probably went though. The goal of schools shouldn't be social but intellectual, and unfortunately this just isn't the case. My son couldn't learn a thing for fear of the other lads. His dyslexia went unnoticed because he kept his head down and tried to say safe. That's not a good education as far as I'm concerned and he was mostly with his father at the time so that was a struggle. At the time I knew nothing of my own autism. His father has since passed and once out of school, he started to excel far more than he did in. 

Ideally, follow wherever he is feeling a small 'win'. Socially it seems he has an outlet. Wherever he learns the best, allow this, so long as he's growing intellectually. I believe we mature slower than N-Typical society. But we can mature more fundamentally. It's better to focus on giving him the best set up for life, so by 30, he's a desired specialist. 

As for the father, boys should outgrow their fathers as girls their mothers. There is something unique to this that is similar to taking a baton or the memories from a previous generation and carrying on. But it is just as uniquely important boys have a healthy relationship with their mothers and girls their fathers. It doesn't make it less easy but the damage psychologically is much less severe at odds with our same-sex parent.

Hi, We have been through a very similar route with our daughter who is 16 and in year 11. NHS waiting times are just so long and it’s heart breaking to watch your child be so unhappy. We had a general assessment with Clinical Partners who diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder and it was done via zoom. I wouldn’t recommend Clinical Partners as it is impossible to get hold of them by phone and the after care is shocking. We ended up making a complaint and receiving compensation. The most important thing with the Autism assessment is that it is done face to face. We have had an autism assessment and there are a couple of places local to us that I would recommend. We are on the Oxford/Bucks boarder. 
My daughter was also convinced she was not autistic and initially found it hard to accept but slowly she is finding out and learning more about herself. This has not really had any impact on her anxiety and depression yet but we have also started DBT which she is finding useful.