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Advice re parenting

CazzaK

My OH (Aspergers) finds it very difficult to parent his children twin boys 19 and daughter 14, over the years all 3 of them have led him a merry dance because of this.  Particularly his daughter who quite simply plays on his lack of discipline and parenting.   His daughter is anorexic and they see a dietician every 2 weeks, there is a menu plan in place which is very specific and very straight forward.   I can not get OH to understand the damage his daughter is doing to herself, he needs to support her and encourage her to eat when she is with us 40% of the time.  He hates confrontation, the nature of this illness does cause volatility, there have been plenty of tantrum, to avoid this he doesn't encourage her to eat her required calories and backs down immediately if she defies or confronts him.   To try and shock him into taking responsibility I asked how he would feel in 10 / 15 years time when she was unable to have children, he just shrugged and said her problem.  I'm struggling to understand and accept this blase attitude - will we ever be able to get him step up to the mark?  I

Parents

  • Hi - I know nothing about parenting so I can’t really advise there but I do have some understanding about eating disorders. I don’t have anorexia but I do struggle with eating (under-eating at times, lack of appetite, ARFID-type issues, stress eating etc.) and I have met several people suffering from anorexia. Getting someone to eat when they struggle with it or don’t want to is very difficult and putting too much pressure on someone may make it even harder. As a parent I think it can be very difficult to support someone with an eating disorder. Can you OH (and you maybe) have a session/talk with his daughter’s dietitian (or therapist if she has one) to discuss how he can best support her? Maybe it could help if your OH seeks some advice from her treatment team.


    Also do you know why his daughter is struggling to follow the meal plan? Have you asked her? There could be a number of reasons (fear (of weight gain or of changes in routine etc), digestive issues, not being used to eating anymore/ feelings of over-fullness, not liking the food on the meal plan, stress, etc.). You say that ‘it’s straightforward’ and it might seem like this to you but for someone struggling with eating it is not at all. And it often takes time to figure out what works for someone. And it might be that his daughter wants to follow the meal plan but can’t for whatever reason ( she might also not want to and again it might help to understand why)- hopefully the dietitian and therapist/ treatment team are addressing these issues but if she doesn’t want to eat it might help to talk openly and in a non-confrontational manner with her.

    Is his daughter also being medically monitored regularly by a GP? I hope she stays safe and that you figure out how you can best support her. 

    Finally, have you looked into family based therapy (Maudsley) for anorexia? I personally don’t know much about it but have heard that it can be quite effective for teens with EDs, so I just thought I would mention it- this would be something to talk to treatment team about though. 

    I’m not sure if any of this helps and I’m sorry if I focused too much on the eating issues - that’s the aspect I know most about- i am clueless about parenting (i’m only 25). 

Reply

  • Hi - I know nothing about parenting so I can’t really advise there but I do have some understanding about eating disorders. I don’t have anorexia but I do struggle with eating (under-eating at times, lack of appetite, ARFID-type issues, stress eating etc.) and I have met several people suffering from anorexia. Getting someone to eat when they struggle with it or don’t want to is very difficult and putting too much pressure on someone may make it even harder. As a parent I think it can be very difficult to support someone with an eating disorder. Can you OH (and you maybe) have a session/talk with his daughter’s dietitian (or therapist if she has one) to discuss how he can best support her? Maybe it could help if your OH seeks some advice from her treatment team.


    Also do you know why his daughter is struggling to follow the meal plan? Have you asked her? There could be a number of reasons (fear (of weight gain or of changes in routine etc), digestive issues, not being used to eating anymore/ feelings of over-fullness, not liking the food on the meal plan, stress, etc.). You say that ‘it’s straightforward’ and it might seem like this to you but for someone struggling with eating it is not at all. And it often takes time to figure out what works for someone. And it might be that his daughter wants to follow the meal plan but can’t for whatever reason ( she might also not want to and again it might help to understand why)- hopefully the dietitian and therapist/ treatment team are addressing these issues but if she doesn’t want to eat it might help to talk openly and in a non-confrontational manner with her.

    Is his daughter also being medically monitored regularly by a GP? I hope she stays safe and that you figure out how you can best support her. 

    Finally, have you looked into family based therapy (Maudsley) for anorexia? I personally don’t know much about it but have heard that it can be quite effective for teens with EDs, so I just thought I would mention it- this would be something to talk to treatment team about though. 

    I’m not sure if any of this helps and I’m sorry if I focused too much on the eating issues - that’s the aspect I know most about- i am clueless about parenting (i’m only 25). 

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