Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I'm looking for some advice about how to help my 5yo understand why some of his behaviour in and around toilets is a bit inappropriate. He's been fascinated by toilets for years and potty trained just after his 2nd birthday. He's bright and chatty and likes to talk to adults when we're out. In public toilets he will ask people if they're going to the loo, if they've been, why they've been, etc. He'll also tell strangers that he's been to the loo which was kind of cute when he was little and got him lots of praise but now makes people a bit uncomfortable. And he will announce details of toilets (which ones have accessible cubicles, whether they have urinals, etc) as a topic of conversation. This last bit bothers me less - it's just something he's interested in - but I'm struggling to help him understand that people don't want to talk to strangers about their toilet habits. I've been emphasising that "toilets are private" but he doesn't seem to understand why it's inappropriate and I'm not sure how best to explain.
It's also starting to slightly edge into a safety issue in that he increasingly wants to go alone into the gents when we're out together (I'm his mum) but will go with the door open, wander out of the cubicle before he's pulled his pants up, and engage strangers in conversation throughout. I don't want to scare him with the "stranger danger" thing, and I'm always in earshot (and would go in to the gents to retrieve him in an emergency) but I feel like I need to start the conversation.
I just find young autistics with these wild interests so amazing! When young we tend to really love grown-up functioning elements, but we tend to see them with complete wonder.
Just a few more ideas: you could get clear PVC pipes from a DIY centre and ask for connectors. He could create his own aqueducts and water tubes out side. A few tools and maybe he can dig trenches like the Romans. I'm sure there's probably experiments with plumbing for young minds here: https://www.instructables.com The whirl and suction of a toilet like a tornado, the force moving the water along and then a delegated amount incoming. It really is quite an extraordinary invention! Maths, science, aquatics, etc.
There's also these "Marble Run" toys which operate similar: https://www.brightminds.co.uk/collections/marble-run-toys
Autistic children tend to love things which function. If he's not opposed to baths and slides perhaps he'd love a water park. What a fun thing to be interested in!
Thanks, that's helpful. We have definitely moved away from telling him to stop talking about it altogether (pre diagnosis and when we were flying pretty blind) and letting have free rein at home has made things a bit easier in public.
I'm not sure exactly what it is that interests him. We've talked a bit about plumbing and stuff and he watches the CBeebies Do You Know episode about toilet flushes and how toilets are made, but probably worth exploring more. The biology bit doesn't seem to interest him as much but we do have books at home to explore.
Thanks for the suggestions, food for thought.
Interesting. Does he like the plumbing? The water works? Does he feel the same about pools or bath houses? Is it the system of waste management? I wonder if you could tour a water facility. I wonder if there are books and blueprints in libraries or if there are small bathroom water systems he could build. I know he's 5 but perhaps it could be beneficial to find picture books of bath houses, to redirect his interest to how these are built. If he were my son, I might actually hire a plumber for a few hours to show him how it works at home.
The human body is it's own waste management system - there are biology books on this, I wonder if there are books for children.
Ideally, you want to allow him to exhaust his intrigue with this system and help him engage with you so he's not engaging with just anyone. Perhaps you can give him a task of reporting back to you about the toilets. Buy a notebook specifically for these Reports and start a log of what he feels is important information & take this with you everywhere. This way, while he's in the toilet, he can collect his data, and then want to make sure it's noted.
A moment with a stranger would then become an interruption, so he may start ignoring them completely to complete the task of reporting back to you to secure his log of information. This could be a practical solution to use his strengths in a way that redirects his attention to a safe environment. It will mean a few minutes of your schedule after every toilet, but guessing it may solve this problem.