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Advice for ASD Teen Daughter

NAS79653

My daughter is 14 & was diagnosed with ASD during lockdown last year. The diagnosis was made over a video call & she’s really struggled to come to terms with her diagnosis. She doesn’t really understand what it means for her. She expressed suicidal thoughts over a year ago which she was seen for in CAMHS but has since been discharged. I’m constantly worrying about her as she doesn’t open up about anything & I’ve no idea how she’s feeling.

Since December 2021 she’s been skipping classes in school. Her attendance has reached a critical point and the school are now talking about only allowing her to attend part time if she continues to miss classes. The school have tried as much as they can in terms of consequences and I have too as a parent however she doesn’t seem to understand consequences. I’ve said to her that if she continues to skip classes, she will be expelled from the school and have to go somewhere completely new which would be her worst nightmare but she still continues to miss classes. I’m at a loss as to what else to do, any kind of punishment has no effect whatsoever.  Today she never even turned up to school, the campus cops were looking for her & I was seriously worried given how low she has felt in the past. She tells lies about just about everything so I don’t trust anything she tells me.

Sorry for the long post, I guess I’m really looking for some advice on how to handle my daughters complete lack of understanding of consequences, if there’s anything you as a parent has found to be helpful. Or any advice from any parents in a similar situation trying to get their kids into school.

Parents

  • Sorry you're both struggling.

    This is concerning: 

    NAS79653 said:
    She doesn’t really understand what it means for her

    In the last year, what resources have you found to help explain Autistic modes of operation? We have different motives. We have a different way of perceiving and reasoning with the world around. We are not inherently disabled, but the world IS disabling due to societies expectations built on the NeuroTypical ideal. We learn different. If you haven't, try getting a copy of A Field Guide for Earthlings. You will need to understand her. 

    NAS79653 said:
    as she doesn’t open up about anything & I’ve no idea how she’s feeling.

    She may not know. We can experience a flood of overwhelming emotions all mixed up together (I am never just 'happy' or 'sad' these are too reductionist and therefore, out of context), and it is far better to help her work out how to identify and name what she is being affected by. A lack of understanding typical social rules coupled with a lack of ability to structure and use grammar the same (we have other strengths), coupled with being overwhelmed create a GREAT deal of frustration. What any young Autist will need is a PhD in psychoanalysis, philosophy and physics to be able to really explain what's going on. If you have trouble with these, they will even more so. Edit: look up Alexithymia

    NAS79653 said:
    She tells lies about just about everything so I don’t trust anything she tells me.

    An important question is why she's lying. We inherently have difficulty lying, but will do so if we feel threatened. 

    Not going to class because it's confusing is More than Reasonable. School is not designed to teach Autistic children, but can further marginalise them or make life even more confusing. 

    Consequence means something different to us. We have not been 'programmed' by society to desperately need to belong. We don't see the point of finding 'meaning' we need to understand Function. If it doesn't function or it's creating a block, we might throw it out. You won't be able to punish her, you'll just create resentment unfortunately until you begin to understand She experiences and perceives life different. This is not bad. Society desperately needs our innate critical reasoning, our hyper-focus, our hyper-sensory. We can become specialised and valuable. We need hard fundamental Ethics for engaging with others. Conscious insight to matters of humanity. If she has felt robbed of dignity, respect, or has been dismissed her whole life, she may believe this is how humans treat one another. Unfortunately, N-Typical behaviours and words are mismatched all the time. N-Typicals don't say what they mean, they lie and call it 'being polite' or they are untruthful with themselves and present this cognitive dissonance. When I was young, this taught me No One was allowed to have my Trust. Trust is a sacred thing and should be earned. 

    As a mother, before I accuse my son (now 25) of bad behaviour, I will spend quality time trying to work out where he has learned it in the world around him. Children are great motivators to instigate our own growth. 

Reply

  • Sorry you're both struggling.

    This is concerning: 

    NAS79653 said:
    She doesn’t really understand what it means for her

    In the last year, what resources have you found to help explain Autistic modes of operation? We have different motives. We have a different way of perceiving and reasoning with the world around. We are not inherently disabled, but the world IS disabling due to societies expectations built on the NeuroTypical ideal. We learn different. If you haven't, try getting a copy of A Field Guide for Earthlings. You will need to understand her. 

    NAS79653 said:
    as she doesn’t open up about anything & I’ve no idea how she’s feeling.

    She may not know. We can experience a flood of overwhelming emotions all mixed up together (I am never just 'happy' or 'sad' these are too reductionist and therefore, out of context), and it is far better to help her work out how to identify and name what she is being affected by. A lack of understanding typical social rules coupled with a lack of ability to structure and use grammar the same (we have other strengths), coupled with being overwhelmed create a GREAT deal of frustration. What any young Autist will need is a PhD in psychoanalysis, philosophy and physics to be able to really explain what's going on. If you have trouble with these, they will even more so. Edit: look up Alexithymia

    NAS79653 said:
    She tells lies about just about everything so I don’t trust anything she tells me.

    An important question is why she's lying. We inherently have difficulty lying, but will do so if we feel threatened. 

    Not going to class because it's confusing is More than Reasonable. School is not designed to teach Autistic children, but can further marginalise them or make life even more confusing. 

    Consequence means something different to us. We have not been 'programmed' by society to desperately need to belong. We don't see the point of finding 'meaning' we need to understand Function. If it doesn't function or it's creating a block, we might throw it out. You won't be able to punish her, you'll just create resentment unfortunately until you begin to understand She experiences and perceives life different. This is not bad. Society desperately needs our innate critical reasoning, our hyper-focus, our hyper-sensory. We can become specialised and valuable. We need hard fundamental Ethics for engaging with others. Conscious insight to matters of humanity. If she has felt robbed of dignity, respect, or has been dismissed her whole life, she may believe this is how humans treat one another. Unfortunately, N-Typical behaviours and words are mismatched all the time. N-Typicals don't say what they mean, they lie and call it 'being polite' or they are untruthful with themselves and present this cognitive dissonance. When I was young, this taught me No One was allowed to have my Trust. Trust is a sacred thing and should be earned. 

    As a mother, before I accuse my son (now 25) of bad behaviour, I will spend quality time trying to work out where he has learned it in the world around him. Children are great motivators to instigate our own growth. 

Children
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