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Advice needed! 9 year old.

Louise

Hi,

I've got a 9 year old, who is absolutely AOK with school work but everything else is just hard for him - I'm going through all of the 'what is autism' on here and I feel like I'm literally ticking off masses/most of them.
He's got worse as he's got older (and especially recently - maybe in line with hormonal changes, is that a thing?), this morning was especially bad and I've started trying to get something sorted with the doctors (which I am assuming could be quite a process). 

Now, I know everyone is different but can any of you lovely people give me some top tips to help make everything a bit more harmonious in my house?

I'll give some examples because I'm guessing that might help you give specific advice?!

  • If something (even something tiny) doesn't go his way he goes instantly to massive anger (shouting, crying, storming off).  There is literally him being fine and then rage with not much in between.  Today, it was for not letting either of the kids watch something on tv due to bad behaviour.  There is no reasoning with this.  Ideally we would let him take some time on his own to calm down, but there are times when we can't.  Equally the anger can be at the smallest of things... so unless he's allowed to do literally everything he wants there's no getting around this.
  • If he's set his mind to doing something you cannot stop him doing it.  Doesn't matter what it is, he's decided that he's going to do it and will follow through - even if it's something he knows is bad behaviour.  If it's harmless, fine carry on; if it's kicking his brother - not fine!  He literally does not care if he's going to get into trouble if he 'has to do' this bad thing.
  • Noisy and busy places - we try to avoid.  Try to find something for him to focus on if we have to go to one.  He says he can hear EVERYTHING. 
  • Can't read people's emotions very well, or the tone of their voice etc.  So he's getting really upset/angry because he's taking things at face value.  Trying to take this into account, but it's obviously something that's going to take everyone else a while to try and do when we see all the other bits.  School currently seems a big challenge here.
  •  
  • Taking things really literally.  e.g. It took a full week for us to work out that he was, in fact, having lunch sitting with friends.  We asked who he sat next to for lunch he told us "no one, the bin" because he was sitting opposite them - not NEXT to them as we'd asked.  Trying to ask more carefully!  
  •  
  • Letting himself get wound up (especially by his younger brother).  I am assuming this is because he is frustrated that he's not getting the subtleties.
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  • Gets so focussed on things he doesn't notice other stuff going on.  So he doesn't register the the first 5 times I ask him to do something which is maddening.  Or he doesn't respond with 'hold on a sec' when I've asked him something and he's going to do it - and then gets mad at me for asking again and again until I get a response.

I'm sure there's more, but my brain has stopped!  Any advice/help/tips are welcomed!

Thanks in advance!

  • First of all, congrats! You've described an autistic young human who lives in a society which doesn't support how he learns, perceives, communicates and analyses. There are a ton of Autistic adults on this site who've all been there and somehow made it without parents who inquire from other autistic adults, so you're ahead of mine!

    This: 

    Louise said:
    Gets so focussed on things he doesn't notice other stuff going on.

    Is connected to this:

    Louise said:
    If he's set his mind to doing something you cannot stop him doing it

    Is also connected to this:

    Louise said:
    doesn't go his way he goes instantly to massive anger

    These are all a part of Monotropism. This kind of envisioning a future (immediate or otherwise), possibly envisioning a whole set schedule of events or even how the day, a puzzle, a space in time, a machine are connected are all part of our incredible ability to use the imagination and hyper-focus. We can solve puzzles or world peace with the analysis happening in our head.

    Monotropism: https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism 

    And because we are Hyper-Sensory, we are greatly impacted psychologically and therefore, emotionally. We are committed and bound to this course of action foreseen. This is part of what innately makes autistics: Loyal, Trust worthy, Steadfast, Reliable. While we have to grow these traits, they are a part of our being. They are also due to our unique Gamma Oscillations hard-wired into our brains which are different than NTypical oscillations.  But these character traits are in desperate need of learning and setting 'Boundaries' by someone setting an example. NeuroTypical individuals can love improvising, constant change, a smash cut edit of surprise in their world. We're the exact opposite. I can tell you learning practical solutions to being reliable was such a life-saver for me. Stealing stretches of time to just be in my head, alone, at the library, learning how to 'human' was what helped me grow and become a better human. 

    As a parent, you can help! 1. Follow through with your word no matter what (unless it's an emergency). 2. Pre-Set time limits. With my son, when he was little, I would let him know he could watch a programme or two. Or if we had to leave before it was over I would let him know. He would typically refuse to watch it if he couldn't watch the whole thing. I would do the same. Also! If you listen to a song in the car. Don't turn off the car until it finishes. 

    If he is experiencing constant interruption, it is one of The Most Maddening Things. I am in my late 40's and have learned a little more control. But in my head I have committed criminal acts if someone interrupts me. Little interruptions feel like I am being continually poked. Larger are like being hit in the back of the head with a brick. There is honestly No Difference between someone hitting me and interrupting me in how it impact me. I have left partners for this. I moved out of my home at 17 and felt like I could finally breathe. I'd rather be homeless than continually interrupted or not allowed to finish One Thing At A Time. So... It's just a tiny bit dreadful.

    Social and language skills can develop a bit more with practical education. We need precision, as there is so much happening in our heads it's overwhelming - everything blends together. There's a book called the Trivium, it talks about different forms of Rhetoric in bite sized paragraphs and maybe a family book to look at over the years. As I was able to identify the type of grammar another was 'playing' with, I felt appreciate of the form. But it is not something anyone is born with. Also, theatre classes can help with technique. Almost every autistic I know uses conscious understanding of the Rules of Rhetoric or Logic. Making the effort and appreciating the use is how we engage. 

    The frustration from a lack of understanding language or how to communicate, add the frustration of not being left to hyper-focus in the moment and add the assault on our senses daily can turn us into zombies or throw us into a Wild survival mode - the world is viscous. We won't ever get used to sensory issues. We need to learn how to create proper boundaries and shields against the world. And so you as a parent, can create a safe and reliable place for him to become everything he is capable of! Create a weekly schedule with him and have him help you understand what responsibiltes he might wish to participate in - he won't be perfect but effort counts. Teach him the art of delegating set time to do one thing. Help him to stay focused on one task at a time. Help him negotiate by giving him what he needs for public spaces - ear defenders so that he feels you care about protecting him.  Never retract what you promise. I don't really make promises, better to allow him to watch you think thoughtfully about a Yes or No and then follow through with that. 

    Once his world has settled down he may have less frustrations with his younger brother. But most likely he feels constantly assaulted and unprotected. It doesn't make it right but he probably needs to feel like everything isn't against him. He may eventually feel horrible about it and that's a whole other layer that could weigh on him for his entire life. We don't forget. We usually wish life was different and we weren't so reactionary. Most of us needed practical help not feeling tortured daily. I used to describe interruptions as: 'waterboarding'. I used to be intense and angry, I couldn't believe how cruel the world was, how violated I felt. I've since learned how the world operates from years studying philosophy and having a life of my own I can build with halogens - not LEDs, (lightaware.org), with ear plugs and natural fibres, with time to focus. 

    You'll get there! It's great you're here asking for help!