Daughter - connecting with other autistic people

I hated school, ended up in Anger Management therapy, don't know why to this day, I was frustrated not angry but hey ho, what do I know!

Does she do any clubs? Scouts/Guides/Cadets/etc?

I was a Scout and a Cadet (not at the same time) and that helped me a little with self esteem.

Does she have any teachers that she likes?

Have the school put a form of a Workplace Needs Assessment in place? This would probably help her whilst she is at school, they maybe able to identify what works best and provide that support.

Thank you Anna, I have had a look but I don’t think there are any in our area. 

This is really positive for me to read, thank you. Did your daughter ever suffer from mental health problems? My daughter is really struggling with OCD at the moment. 
Thank you again for replying. 

Sorry I did not check these messages for a few days. This is such a helpful reply. She does a lot of horse riding and has always volunteered at stables. The pandemic stopped all this which made things very hard for her. We have bought her a horse to try and help. The horse has given her purpose, but she hasn’t made friends at the new stables. I am hoping university will be a fresh start. She is looking into doing something scientific but we also need to think about how much stress she can cope with. Thank you again. 

Hi NAS79014, you may want to use our Autism Services Directory to search for services young people groups in your area that cater for people with an autism spectrum disorder. You can find the Directory here: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory.

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

Yes, this is very true! 2 of my autistic friends are currently doing PhDs and are doing very well too :) 

Martin - this is true. My eldest did really well academically at school, went to Oxford Uni, eventually (it did take time) found a good friendship group and a wonderful girlfriend. Finding paid work that they actually enjoy has been more difficult - but hopefully that will happen eventually. It’s easy to focus on the challenges autism brings us but people can still have a good life. 

It is important for your daughter to know that, while autism brings problems, notably anxiety, it does not make a successful and enjoyable life an impossibility. My younger daughter is autistic and got the highest grades at A-level and is now doing well in her second year at university, studying chemistry. She gets accommodations from the university and occasionally takes time off from lectures and lab. practicals if she is feeling overwhelmed, with the knowledge of her department. I am also a diagnosed autistic, have a biomedical PhD, and had a productive 34 year long career in scientific research. 

Hello, 

It makes me sad to read this. It also reminds me of my own time at school (I am now 25). At the time, I did not know that I am probably autistic but I knew I was different ("an alien"). I did not fit in and did not have any friends whilst at school. For me this changed when I started university as I met people that I connected with and I made a few close friends (though unfortunately we have now all moved and are spread throughout the world). 

Most of my friends are actually also neurodivergent, though I did not know this when I made friends with them- This only came to light when I recently realised that I am most likely autistic and mentioned this to them. I do think it can be easier for autistic people to communicate with each other- Have you heard of the double empathy theory? Basically the idea is that neurotypicals communicate well amongst each other and so do autistic people, but it is more difficult when neurotypicals and autistic people communicate. So it's a little like speaking a different language/ having a different manner of expressing things. So it might be easier for your daughter to connect with other autistic people, though I do also have a neurotypical friend that I connect with extremely well- we have a lot of shared interests and ideas and get along very well.

I actually realised later that I had no chance of making friends at school because there simply wasn't anyone that I could have connected with/ made friends with... Whilst I was at school though I did not know this and it resulted in a lot of frustration, guilt and self blame (ie Maybe I need to try harder etc.). I think it is all a matter of finding the "right people" that you connect with. With those people making friends is very easy, at least for me it just somehow happened effortlessly. Shared interests and ideas or habits help- a lot of my friends I met through my course at university, or because we were both always late for lectures, or whilst attending scientific talks, or at a biology olympiad or through other shared interests. I also usually connect very well with people on hiking trips as there is a shared passion there. 

So unfortunately I do not know about what is available in terms of support groups. However thinking back on my own experiences I think your daughter probably has the best chance of meeting some likeminded people through a shared interest. You mention that she likes science- Can she maybe meet some people through a science-related activity? Maybe the biology olympiad or a science club if any of those are availabe in your area? What other activities does she like? 

A shared interest is not a foolproof plan for meeting people you can be friends with, (I spent a lot of time horseriding and in stables as a child and young adult but never connected with anyone there...) but it might maximise chances of coming accross potential friends. It also makes it easier to talk to people (or depending on activity you might not need to talk much at all). 

I really hope that your daughter meets some friends soon! What I really would like to tell her is that there are people out there she will connect with and can be friends with, it's just a matter of finding them. 

Not sure any of this is of any help. It is really hard to not fit in at school (and in life in general) and so exhausting when you have to mask most of the time. 

I totally agree. I know that there are things online where people with similar interests connect but I’m too old (well not THAT old )  to know much about them unfortunately ! 
We are generally pretty wary of social media stuff for obvious reasons. 

I am starting to wonder if we could get some of these young people to connect. I have searched all evening on the internet for a social group for autistic teens but have not found anything in my area. My daughter has also struggled to speak at school. I have just joined this website and, like many on here, I feel really awful for putting her through the education system. 
Thank you for your reply. 

It’s a good question ! I’d be interested to hear if anyone has any ideas on this - as my son is in a similar position in many ways. He really wants friends but has struggled in educational settings to make friends ( in large part due to having Selective Mutism in all educational settings).