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Autism or neglect?

NAS78759

I'm becoming increasingly concerned about a young boy I know, he's ten years old and homeschooled. His mother has self diagnosed autism and uses it to excuse his behaviour and his lack of development.

He can verbally communicate like any other 10 year old, understands instructions, can play games requiring rules etc he can control a pen to draw. He plays computer games like minecraft. He walks and runs perfectly well. Plays tennis and swims etc

However, he can't read (at all), he can't write or spell. He still goes in a pushchair. I know from conversations with other parents who know them that his mother still takes him to the bathroom, she bathes him and they share a bed. Whenever I've seen him have a tantrum, she starts panicking saying things like "okay okay we don't have to do that". He freaks out if his needs aren't met instantly, she has several bags with her always, containing spare clothes, medi kit, food, drinks, activities, blanket etc. He tends to ignore adults, but talks fine with other children. The mum has said to another mum she prefers him to have younger friends cause she doesn't want him to grow up too fast. She says she prefers unschooling, and doesn't ever make him do work.

It's very odd, and I fear she's using autism to cover up the fact she's failed to teach him how to read and write. She does everything she can to prevent tantrums, she panders to his behaviour. If he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't do it simple.o

I don't know, I'm wondering if parents of actual diagnosed children feel like this is familiar or if something is off. Does this sound like autism or neglect

Parents

  • I think there is absolutely no way for anyone on this forum to know.

    But an autistic ten year old should be able to read, I would have thought. And doesn't need to be in a pushchair (you've said he plays tennis?!)

  • in reply to Untoward

    I just haven't had that much experience knowing autistic children, this might be totally normal and loads of parents be like "yep that's exactly what it's like". It all just seems like she's making excuses for lazy parenting. She's very anti social services and avoids the home education welfare officer, I would have thought a SEN child would benefit from these services and she'd even get a lot of support. 

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  • in reply to Untoward

    I just haven't had that much experience knowing autistic children, this might be totally normal and loads of parents be like "yep that's exactly what it's like". It all just seems like she's making excuses for lazy parenting. She's very anti social services and avoids the home education welfare officer, I would have thought a SEN child would benefit from these services and she'd even get a lot of support. 

Children
  • in reply to NAS78759

    Ultimately it's non of my business, I just worry for the future of this young boy. She's openly said she doesn't want him to grow up and wants to shelter him, I suppose taking your child to the toilet, bathing them, pushing them around in a pushchair and avoiding teaching them any reading and writing is a good way to keep them young and needing you. It could be a simple case of munchausen syndrome by proxy. Using terms like autism stops people asking questions. The more I think about it, the more likely you would seek out a proper diagnosis and professional support if it was genuinely the case that he had autism. Will have to see how it unfolds, I just hope she isn't the next newspaper article used as a weapon against home eductors. 

  • in reply to Lau

    Thank you for your reply, that's interesting about needing a pushchair as a safe space. The child has never been to school, and so doesn't have a formal diagnosis, the mother doesn't either, she has self diagnosed.

    So far the child has remained unseen except by a dentist. She avoids doctors and is anti vaccination. She hasn't been seen in person by an education welfare officer. She takes a lot of photos of him doing sports and meet ups, but according to another mother she avoids mentioning his literacy and math in reports.

    You wouldn't expect a child that can play sports and computer games to require help using the toilet or shower, but perhaps there's some unique motor skills he's lacking. I do feel she takes him out and about to entertain him and ensure she gets lots of photos of him doing activities for reports, but doesn't encourage any development of essential skills like reading or writing. She is very much dictated to by his feelings, she'll do whatever it is he wants, she'll take his lead on everything, panic when he's panicking. I'm still concerned it's more learnt behaviour than a disability. 

    I don't think she'd be open to a parent carer assessment tbh, she would avoid them at all costs. She avoids asking for help to avoid the social services. 

  • in reply to NAS78759

    Has the child in question ever attended a main stream school? Maybe the parent has choose home schooling as she has trauma from her education years? Maybe her child has had no support to thrive in school and he could have potentially been in complete distress sensory overloaded and unable to learn? The school maybe under budgeted and not able to  provide the one to one support the child would need and she’s had no choice but to homeschool ad best as she can.

    mainstream schools are not autistic friendly and the teachers don’t have in-depth training in how to educate neurodiverse children, the whole curriculum caters to neurotypical children you should watch Harry Thomsons PDA expert videos on how traumatic mainstream schools are to autistic children. His you tube channel is incredibly educational. 

    Both of my child are diagnosed autistic my eldest is PDA ASD and he is now coming to the end of his primary education nearly 12 years old and majority of writing is done by his pupil support assistant scribing for him or he can type with support on a computer. When he first start his new school he was given a device he could speak into and it would write his word on the screen for him. As he had delayed language he struggled greatly with the device. He is dyslexic and has zero confidence in writing he has just learned to read over the past 2 years but he cannot spell his surname or tell you his address and he still struggles with reading which knocks his confidence and he becomes embarrassed and gives up and is mentally unable to continue due to his PDA extreme anxiety. He also had stress induced tics due to the anxiety around school and the amount of pressure he is under.

    My youngest who is 4 and will be 5 this year is still in a nhs wheelchair services disability pram for his safety and it’s his safe space while out to prevent him being overwhelmed. I know several children who are autistic and in a wheel chair that can swim or do other physical activities. An nhs disability pram caters up to the age of 7 I’m sure and then after you are offered a wheel chair from wheelchair services. Some autistic people struggle with walking long distances and physically can’t push them selfs to continue. They can become completely sensory overload with people, cars, noise lights movements and the pram is a safe place to retreat to.

    My eldest was never in the pram by the age of 4.5 but tbh if he was diagnosed earlier then a he was I would have had him in a pram for his own safety and my safety as he has a lot of risk taking behaviours and even now he wouldn’t think twice to lying down on the pavement if he was to exhausted to carry on and if pushed this can lead to a meltdown. This is why I was so focused on passing my driving test to make my childrens life’s much more easier and mine too. 


    There really isn’t a way to avoid social services if they feel a child’s needs aren’t being meet they would be enforcing a welfare check and the parent has a duty to provide the catchment area school or local authority proof that her child is receiving a level of education. The local authorities have a duty to do checks so there really wouldn’t be a way to avoid these checks and if she was ignoring the visits the local authority would have to contact social services. 

    Even if a child is able bodied and takes part in sports doesn’t mean they don’t need a pram or wheelchair. 

    This lady has a ASD diagnosis and it’s important to remember she has a hidden disability and could potentially be unable/struggle to read and write herself.

    You said her child is attending swimming and tennis it really doesn’t sound like she’s a “lazy” parent. 

    She would benefit from a parent carer assessment to identify her needs as a parent to a child with a disability and the child would would benefit from a child disability assessment also to identify support needed and potentially a self direct support budget.