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High demands and inability to take "no" as an answer

Lucas

Hi all.

I wanted to reach out to see if there's anyone else is experiencing something like what I'm about to describe. My son is 13 and about two years ago, he was diagnosed with Aspergers and potentially PDA traits. 

He's smart, he look people to the eye, he's got many friends but of course he's not good at reading social cues or understanding sarcasm.

Anyway, my question is about something that cause trouble and disruption in our lives. He usually have high demands, that he usually directs to his mother (we're separated). It could be clothes, expensive holidays, expensive gadgets, etc. He doesn't seem to be aware of the value of money and that people need to work hard to get it.

In line with this, he also comes up with eccentric plans, all of a sudden. For example buying land and building a house somewhere, hiring a team of architects and workers. A massive house with many rooms, and luxury. Of course all of that is absolutely impossible, but explaining that to him is pretty much impossible.

Every time that we need to say "no" to one of his constant demands (that 99% of the time require tons of money), the situation goes out of control. He will have a massive meltdown of destruction, violence, screaming and, something new, now he sometimes escapes the house and runs into the dark, during the night, on roads with plenty of traffic exposing himself and others to dangerous situations.

As his parents, we've learned how to deal with most of his challenges, but the inability of say "no" to him is, by far, the most difficult one because of course in many occasions that is the only answer possible.

So many times we end up lying to him, saying yes and hoping he will later forget or that we will be able to discuss his demand when he is calmer, but that usually triggers him again.

And is getting worse. For every new demand, if the answer is anything different to "yes", that will immediately trigger him, leading to high anxiety and meltdowns, destruction and even dangerous situation.

Please let me know if someone else is going through something like this, and even better if you have any suggestions on how to handle it.

Thanks in advance

  • in reply to Peter

    That's a very good suggestion actually. He's got a laptop so I'm going to install a CAD software there an ask him to design his dream house! Thank you!

  • in reply to Homebird

    Yes, it does! and its very difficult! Disappointed

  • This makes me realize I don’t like hearing “no” myself, at the age of 28. the value of money just seems to mean nothing compared to whatever the pressing issue is. I find myself resenting capitalism often because of my struggle to sustain any sort of work ethic and yet money often being the key to my needs. Feels silly to articulate but it’s been an ever present struggle for me tends to make me anxious about my future. Sorry I don’t have more solution, I wish you luck though. 

  • in reply to Homebird

    I remember the first time I said ‘no’ to my first child when they were a toddler and he was absolutely distraught - crying inconsolably! I was really shocked and confused. I was just very gentle with him after that and thankfully it didn’t continue to be an issue - I think it was just the tone - that it was a firm “no”. 
    re. Money - my eldest is mega careful with money and very anxious about it as when he was growing up we never had much money. My youngest doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the value of money at all - I think he’d really struggle to run his own affairs without a lot of support and guidance. Neither of them are very materialistic though which is such a blessing, 

  • Lucas said:
    So many times we end up lying to him, saying yes and hoping he will later forget or that we will be able to discuss his demand when he is calmer, but that usually triggers him again.

    Bad idea. I remember when my mother promised to take me to town that day to buy art supplies. I'd saved up my pocket money for them. But as the day dragged on she just found job after job to do around the house and it became clear later was going to turn into tomorrow if I didn't do something about it. So I said if she wouldn't take me I'd walk into the city centre myself and she not taking me seriously told me to go ahead. This was before the days of mobile phones. Several hours later I returned with art supplies to find her on the phone to the police. ... Children don't forget.

    Lucas said:
    In line with this, he also comes up with eccentric plans, all of a sudden. For example buying land and building a house somewhere, hiring a team of architects and workers. A massive house with many rooms, and luxury. Of course all of that is absolutely impossible, but explaining that to him is pretty much impossible.

    Potentially not imposable to him? Aside from a budget I bet he's worked out a lot of details about how it could feasibly work. When I was young I asked my mother if I could build a laser in our kitchen. It wasn't a pipe dream I'd gotten hold of a laser hobbyists book with detailed plans and instructions. It was a several thousand pounds kind of project, a luxury item for sure but not totally unfeasible, after all the book was aimed at hobbyists. Although in that case it may more have been the fact that the idea of me running around with a laser that could punch holes in thin steal plates filled my mother with a sense of existential dread.

    Or another example, growing up I desperately wanted a proper desktop computer. And of course I'd take computer magazines to my dad and show him these high spec machines going for 2000-4000£ in the end a year or 2 later we bought one a lot cheaper. But it wouldn't have occurred to me at the time to show my dad a budget option because I was a bit of a perfectionist and would immediately gravitate to a high spec.

    To a child who's used to dealing in pennies 100£ might as well be a million pounds. It's just this huge scale beyond personal experience and we hear our parents talking about buying a car for x thousand pounds and we think to ourselves "so this is normal adult amounts of money."

    Have you tried diverting him? Giving him an outlet for his projects? For example whats to stop you downloading some architectural software and asking him to design said dream house? Give him some options to pursue until he figures out for himself how hard what he's asking for actually is.

  • in reply to Homebird

    And to add does no give a feeling of not being in control which causes the anxiety?

  • I have a son who can't cope with no. It seems no causes huge anxiety. He also struggles to understand that things can't happen immediately or we may need to consider the request. We often have to say we will think about something as we may need to do some research. He doesn't forget if we say yes then not possible.

    The difficulty is he often doesn't understand when the request is not reasonable. Also regarding understanding working for money, I think it may be related to understanding cause and effect which he finds hard 

    It has helped to say some things will come out of his money and if he doesn't have enough saved then not possible. He doesn't have access to his bank account. Pocket money is noted then he will ask how much he has when he wants something. 

  • I am 26 and I have autism, I struggle with understanding the value of money and  used to spend money I didn't have In order to make me happy and achieve my dreams even though these dreams were quiet temporary. My coping strategy is talking to my wife and then she encourages me to wait a few days before even considering it as often within a day these feelings pass. I think it's very important to work through this while your young because if I had worked through this properly as a child I would have dealt with it in adulthood much better. However I have accepted now that this is what needs to be done and if this is made clear although my reaction was initially bad and I got very upset after a while it became much easier. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense