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Can't cope with my child, suicide seems the only option

NAS78528

My son is 4, I have 50/50 custody with his mother and our relationship is good though she has done everything possible to deny our child is different. I presume he is Aspergers, as he is fantastically intelligent yet has severe and frequent emotional outbursts and meltdowns to the point that it's impossible to do anything with him outside of the house or around anyone as he will just meltdown and go into a terrified frenzy and keep saying he wants to go home and will be rude to people's faces to try and orchestrate us going home.

Both my parents are dead and I have nobody at all locally as I moved to where I live so my ex could be near her family. Her family is totally insular and they do no do anything except go to their parents house so she has made no effort to try and work on how bad he is and denies there is a problem at all. It's my belief she does not see this behaviour of his because she never tries to do anything with him, just goes to her mum's house. Literally in 4 years I can count on 1 hand the number of things she has taken him to, and every time it has been with her family anyway so he is not meeting anybody new.

He now screams terrified when I run the bath so every evening is horrendous high drama, and though he attends a Pre-school, taking him there is meltdown on the doorstep and having to strong arm him through the door every time so even when I have the say to myself it is bookended by his irrational behaviour.

I give him everything, all I ever do is things for him, but it is never enough and frankly I'm starting to hate him and obsess over ways to escape. 

As I said his mother denies there is an issue because she enjoys the positive attention she gets from her own mother due to his high intelligence and she has done everything she can to prevent me from accessing help or enquire about assessment and options. 

I feel so alone and so trapped in this situation where I'm being gaslighted by his mother that he is normal and he absolutely is not. 

I don't know what to do. I'm out of options, nobody can live like this. 

Parents

  • I think you've taken a brave first step to come here and open up about your struggles. 

    You're dealing with a lot, so you should definitely seek some further help & support. If you speak to your GP about how you're feeling (including the suicidal ideation) they should refer you for some therapy / counselling. I know it won't make all the practical problems go away, but mental health support is very important to help you deal with all of this.

    Also as people have mentioned you should be entitled to seek support / diagnosis for your son without his Mum's approval. You can make an appointment with his GP to talk through all the issues around his behaviour and ask for a CAMHS referral for a diagnosis. 

    While you're waiting, I'd suggest it's worth making the assumption he probably is autistic and start to put some strategies in place to help deal with the most challenging issues - there could be 'workarounds' (for example my daughter has a sink wash with a flannel rather than a shower, as showers terrify her) Every little struggle you can find a workaround for will make your daily life a little easier. Also does anyone at the pre-school have knowledge / experience of autism? Maybe they can help? 

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  • I think you've taken a brave first step to come here and open up about your struggles. 

    You're dealing with a lot, so you should definitely seek some further help & support. If you speak to your GP about how you're feeling (including the suicidal ideation) they should refer you for some therapy / counselling. I know it won't make all the practical problems go away, but mental health support is very important to help you deal with all of this.

    Also as people have mentioned you should be entitled to seek support / diagnosis for your son without his Mum's approval. You can make an appointment with his GP to talk through all the issues around his behaviour and ask for a CAMHS referral for a diagnosis. 

    While you're waiting, I'd suggest it's worth making the assumption he probably is autistic and start to put some strategies in place to help deal with the most challenging issues - there could be 'workarounds' (for example my daughter has a sink wash with a flannel rather than a shower, as showers terrify her) Every little struggle you can find a workaround for will make your daily life a little easier. Also does anyone at the pre-school have knowledge / experience of autism? Maybe they can help? 

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