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Can't cope with my child, suicide seems the only option

NAS78528

My son is 4, I have 50/50 custody with his mother and our relationship is good though she has done everything possible to deny our child is different. I presume he is Aspergers, as he is fantastically intelligent yet has severe and frequent emotional outbursts and meltdowns to the point that it's impossible to do anything with him outside of the house or around anyone as he will just meltdown and go into a terrified frenzy and keep saying he wants to go home and will be rude to people's faces to try and orchestrate us going home.

Both my parents are dead and I have nobody at all locally as I moved to where I live so my ex could be near her family. Her family is totally insular and they do no do anything except go to their parents house so she has made no effort to try and work on how bad he is and denies there is a problem at all. It's my belief she does not see this behaviour of his because she never tries to do anything with him, just goes to her mum's house. Literally in 4 years I can count on 1 hand the number of things she has taken him to, and every time it has been with her family anyway so he is not meeting anybody new.

He now screams terrified when I run the bath so every evening is horrendous high drama, and though he attends a Pre-school, taking him there is meltdown on the doorstep and having to strong arm him through the door every time so even when I have the say to myself it is bookended by his irrational behaviour.

I give him everything, all I ever do is things for him, but it is never enough and frankly I'm starting to hate him and obsess over ways to escape. 

As I said his mother denies there is an issue because she enjoys the positive attention she gets from her own mother due to his high intelligence and she has done everything she can to prevent me from accessing help or enquire about assessment and options. 

I feel so alone and so trapped in this situation where I'm being gaslighted by his mother that he is normal and he absolutely is not. 

I don't know what to do. I'm out of options, nobody can live like this. 

Parents
    1. Your child is not 'bad' he is (probably) autistic. I feel I need to emphasise that.
    2. As his father you've every right to talk to his GP and ask for an autism assessment. it would be better if you could do that with your ex wife's blessing but you don't need her permission any more than you'd need her permission to take him into the GP if he had a rash or stomach ache.
    3. Again your own mental health seems to be suffering and you might want to talk to your GP about that.
    4. Having an autistic child can be stressful but you will make your interaction with your son a lot easier for him and you if you try to understand what drives the 'bad' behaviour of your son in specific terms instead of just trying to classify it as generic naughtiness
      1. for example he misbehaves on outings well what about these outing stresses him out so much. If you put some effort into addressing the stressors and triggers of his anxiety it will be easier to deal with his behaviour.
      2. Autistic people often process sensory issues differently to normal people. So take a bath for instance. What seems pleasantly warm to you might be far to cold or hot to him. The nice lavender smell of bubble bath might be a pungent and unpleasant oder to him. The sting of soap unbearable. Maybe he's just uncomfortable with all the physical contact of the bath if you help wash him.
      3. Being left with strangers is scary even for ordinary kids but suppose for an autistic kid and preschool where absolutely no one seems to understand him. Imagine how scary that must be? How would you expect him to react if you say left him with people who didn't speak english? Well in a way the people around him don't 'speak' his language either.
    5. Let me emphasise it again. No matter how 'irrational' your sons behaviour seems to you it's very likely not. He has needs that defy your common sense but your common sense is not a measure for what's rational. Try to look for reasons behind his melodramatic outbursts I guarantee you they are there.
    6. Normality is not something to be aspired to. You may yet see a day when you can be glad of the positive things our sons abnormality brings.
Reply
    1. Your child is not 'bad' he is (probably) autistic. I feel I need to emphasise that.
    2. As his father you've every right to talk to his GP and ask for an autism assessment. it would be better if you could do that with your ex wife's blessing but you don't need her permission any more than you'd need her permission to take him into the GP if he had a rash or stomach ache.
    3. Again your own mental health seems to be suffering and you might want to talk to your GP about that.
    4. Having an autistic child can be stressful but you will make your interaction with your son a lot easier for him and you if you try to understand what drives the 'bad' behaviour of your son in specific terms instead of just trying to classify it as generic naughtiness
      1. for example he misbehaves on outings well what about these outing stresses him out so much. If you put some effort into addressing the stressors and triggers of his anxiety it will be easier to deal with his behaviour.
      2. Autistic people often process sensory issues differently to normal people. So take a bath for instance. What seems pleasantly warm to you might be far to cold or hot to him. The nice lavender smell of bubble bath might be a pungent and unpleasant oder to him. The sting of soap unbearable. Maybe he's just uncomfortable with all the physical contact of the bath if you help wash him.
      3. Being left with strangers is scary even for ordinary kids but suppose for an autistic kid and preschool where absolutely no one seems to understand him. Imagine how scary that must be? How would you expect him to react if you say left him with people who didn't speak english? Well in a way the people around him don't 'speak' his language either.
    5. Let me emphasise it again. No matter how 'irrational' your sons behaviour seems to you it's very likely not. He has needs that defy your common sense but your common sense is not a measure for what's rational. Try to look for reasons behind his melodramatic outbursts I guarantee you they are there.
    6. Normality is not something to be aspired to. You may yet see a day when you can be glad of the positive things our sons abnormality brings.
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