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Can't cope with my child, suicide seems the only option

NAS78528

My son is 4, I have 50/50 custody with his mother and our relationship is good though she has done everything possible to deny our child is different. I presume he is Aspergers, as he is fantastically intelligent yet has severe and frequent emotional outbursts and meltdowns to the point that it's impossible to do anything with him outside of the house or around anyone as he will just meltdown and go into a terrified frenzy and keep saying he wants to go home and will be rude to people's faces to try and orchestrate us going home.

Both my parents are dead and I have nobody at all locally as I moved to where I live so my ex could be near her family. Her family is totally insular and they do no do anything except go to their parents house so she has made no effort to try and work on how bad he is and denies there is a problem at all. It's my belief she does not see this behaviour of his because she never tries to do anything with him, just goes to her mum's house. Literally in 4 years I can count on 1 hand the number of things she has taken him to, and every time it has been with her family anyway so he is not meeting anybody new.

He now screams terrified when I run the bath so every evening is horrendous high drama, and though he attends a Pre-school, taking him there is meltdown on the doorstep and having to strong arm him through the door every time so even when I have the say to myself it is bookended by his irrational behaviour.

I give him everything, all I ever do is things for him, but it is never enough and frankly I'm starting to hate him and obsess over ways to escape. 

As I said his mother denies there is an issue because she enjoys the positive attention she gets from her own mother due to his high intelligence and she has done everything she can to prevent me from accessing help or enquire about assessment and options. 

I feel so alone and so trapped in this situation where I'm being gaslighted by his mother that he is normal and he absolutely is not. 

I don't know what to do. I'm out of options, nobody can live like this. 

Parents

  • You're draining all your energy and receiving nothing but negativity from those around you. You understand so much about your situation, about the gaslighting and invalidation you're receiving from your ex, you moved so you don't have support or anyone to talk to about your child, and you don't even have a specialist to talk to to validate your child's behavior to give a diagnosis.

    Your ex and her family could possibly be on the autism spectrum as well, so they do not see your child's behavior as out of the ordinary, and it's a possibility that they know how to handle those situations, so your child does not have outbursts like that with them. Or maybe your child does have outbursts like that with them, but they don't see it as out of the ordinary, because maybe they were all like that when they were younger. But I'm not completely sure, this is just me speculating on the matter.

    So does both parents need to agree before getting a child to see a specialist to be diagnosed, or can you just go there by yourself with your child? I think that it'll be good to have a diagnosis for your child, because if your child is supported, it'll in turn be easier on you. 

    I think that bathing can be a very terrifying experience for a child, because the running water and echoing sounds very scary and stimulate a sense of danger. Children can hear higher frequencies than adults can, because adults lose their hearing with time, so things can sound different to a child. Also the tub can be quite massive from the perspective of a child which might cause fear, and also there's a level of vulnerability from bathing because there's no protection around the body. So maybe some music, toys, a video playing, or something fun, can make the experience of bathing better for the child. 

    Also when your child goes to preschool, there's a natural fear of abandonment, they fear that their parent might never return for them, and if the parent is forcefully pushing the child away to be left somewhere and then leaving, it really causes that fear to intensify. Maybe comforting the child and explaining that you won't be long, give them a toy or a token that represents you and that you're with them, might give them some peace of mind and reassurance, I mean they still might not like you leaving, but at least they have something of yours to keep and feel better about.

Reply

  • You're draining all your energy and receiving nothing but negativity from those around you. You understand so much about your situation, about the gaslighting and invalidation you're receiving from your ex, you moved so you don't have support or anyone to talk to about your child, and you don't even have a specialist to talk to to validate your child's behavior to give a diagnosis.

    Your ex and her family could possibly be on the autism spectrum as well, so they do not see your child's behavior as out of the ordinary, and it's a possibility that they know how to handle those situations, so your child does not have outbursts like that with them. Or maybe your child does have outbursts like that with them, but they don't see it as out of the ordinary, because maybe they were all like that when they were younger. But I'm not completely sure, this is just me speculating on the matter.

    So does both parents need to agree before getting a child to see a specialist to be diagnosed, or can you just go there by yourself with your child? I think that it'll be good to have a diagnosis for your child, because if your child is supported, it'll in turn be easier on you. 

    I think that bathing can be a very terrifying experience for a child, because the running water and echoing sounds very scary and stimulate a sense of danger. Children can hear higher frequencies than adults can, because adults lose their hearing with time, so things can sound different to a child. Also the tub can be quite massive from the perspective of a child which might cause fear, and also there's a level of vulnerability from bathing because there's no protection around the body. So maybe some music, toys, a video playing, or something fun, can make the experience of bathing better for the child. 

    Also when your child goes to preschool, there's a natural fear of abandonment, they fear that their parent might never return for them, and if the parent is forcefully pushing the child away to be left somewhere and then leaving, it really causes that fear to intensify. Maybe comforting the child and explaining that you won't be long, give them a toy or a token that represents you and that you're with them, might give them some peace of mind and reassurance, I mean they still might not like you leaving, but at least they have something of yours to keep and feel better about.

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