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Can't cope with my child, suicide seems the only option

NAS78528

My son is 4, I have 50/50 custody with his mother and our relationship is good though she has done everything possible to deny our child is different. I presume he is Aspergers, as he is fantastically intelligent yet has severe and frequent emotional outbursts and meltdowns to the point that it's impossible to do anything with him outside of the house or around anyone as he will just meltdown and go into a terrified frenzy and keep saying he wants to go home and will be rude to people's faces to try and orchestrate us going home.

Both my parents are dead and I have nobody at all locally as I moved to where I live so my ex could be near her family. Her family is totally insular and they do no do anything except go to their parents house so she has made no effort to try and work on how bad he is and denies there is a problem at all. It's my belief she does not see this behaviour of his because she never tries to do anything with him, just goes to her mum's house. Literally in 4 years I can count on 1 hand the number of things she has taken him to, and every time it has been with her family anyway so he is not meeting anybody new.

He now screams terrified when I run the bath so every evening is horrendous high drama, and though he attends a Pre-school, taking him there is meltdown on the doorstep and having to strong arm him through the door every time so even when I have the say to myself it is bookended by his irrational behaviour.

I give him everything, all I ever do is things for him, but it is never enough and frankly I'm starting to hate him and obsess over ways to escape. 

As I said his mother denies there is an issue because she enjoys the positive attention she gets from her own mother due to his high intelligence and she has done everything she can to prevent me from accessing help or enquire about assessment and options. 

I feel so alone and so trapped in this situation where I'm being gaslighted by his mother that he is normal and he absolutely is not. 

I don't know what to do. I'm out of options, nobody can live like this. 

Parents

  • It sounds like your needs are not being met and you seriously need support for yourself. It's understandable to feel resentful when your needs are not being met. Just remember that the problem isn't his behaviour, it's the lack of acknowledgement and support. With acknowledgement and support you would be able to cope with these issues. Any resentment you harbour towards him risks spilling out and damaging your relationship with him. Try to redirect your anger towards doing what you need to do to get your needs met, and place the blame on whatever and whoever is preventing you from accessing support, rather than on your son.

    There are a few things confusing me it might be helpful to expand upon.

    Firstly I'm just trying to understand what exactly is going on with him when staying with her family. Is he still having issues with meltdowns at their home that are simply being ignored or denied? Or is it that he is not having meltdowns when he is staying there? Do they also have to strongarm him to get him to attend pre-school? Is he having meltdowns at their house every time the bath is run? Is his behaviour completely different when staying at their house or does he behave the same way but they are denying that there is any issue?

    Secondly what exactly has she done to prevent you from accessing any help? I can understand that it may be within her power to prevent you from getting him diagnosed and getting support for him but is there anything she can do to prevent you from getting other kinds of support for you such as counselling, finding a peer support group, or accessing advice?

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  • It sounds like your needs are not being met and you seriously need support for yourself. It's understandable to feel resentful when your needs are not being met. Just remember that the problem isn't his behaviour, it's the lack of acknowledgement and support. With acknowledgement and support you would be able to cope with these issues. Any resentment you harbour towards him risks spilling out and damaging your relationship with him. Try to redirect your anger towards doing what you need to do to get your needs met, and place the blame on whatever and whoever is preventing you from accessing support, rather than on your son.

    There are a few things confusing me it might be helpful to expand upon.

    Firstly I'm just trying to understand what exactly is going on with him when staying with her family. Is he still having issues with meltdowns at their home that are simply being ignored or denied? Or is it that he is not having meltdowns when he is staying there? Do they also have to strongarm him to get him to attend pre-school? Is he having meltdowns at their house every time the bath is run? Is his behaviour completely different when staying at their house or does he behave the same way but they are denying that there is any issue?

    Secondly what exactly has she done to prevent you from accessing any help? I can understand that it may be within her power to prevent you from getting him diagnosed and getting support for him but is there anything she can do to prevent you from getting other kinds of support for you such as counselling, finding a peer support group, or accessing advice?

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