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NAS74266

I took my 20 year old twins to see a private psychologist after a couple of visits to the GP (pre pandemic) where the GP felt due to their age and budgets was unable to offer them much more than ITalk a counselling service, which they wouldn't do  I have always suspected they had Aspergers and arranged for them to see a private psychologist.  At the psychologists  we underwent a partial screening for Autism (Aspergers) and she felt there was no doubt that they had indeed got Aspergers.  We came away having arranged to go back at a later stage for a full assessment.  After we left my twins both strongly disagreed with the diagnosis, felt she didn't know what she was talking about and flatly refused to return.  One of them, the one that talks a bit more than the other, has even said he has erased it from his mind, it didn't happen.  The psychologist has since come back to me and advised that after talking with fellow colleagues due to their hostility to seeing her further she feels it is not ethical to continue dealing with them.  I would also point out to those cynics out there who think you can pay for whatever diagnosis you want, for the time we spent with her nearly three hours, as we were not continuing to a full diagnosis, she took no money for her time.  Whilst she has been very helpful to me suggesting things to help, which they resist, we are back to square one.  My husband (who I suspect also has Aspergers) has taken this to mean she didn't really believe they had Aspergers so to 'save face' has chosen to end her dealings with us. My twins insist they are just a bit anxious but can sort themselves out, but since leaving college at 18, which they only attended as I drove them to and from the door, they have basically lived in their room.  They avoid contact with people even the wider family.  They won't answer the door, don't go out unless with myself or my husband, but only if they really have to.  They don't see the need to and resist all encouragements to progress their lives.  I have encouraged them to learn to drive, undertake some voluntary work, as there wouldn't be as much pressure if they weren't being paid for it and undertake odd jobs for my mother, who literally lives down the road, who is on her own and recovering from a stroke but all to no avail.  They say they are not doing what they want so why would they want to do those things.  They have now reverted to up all night, doing various things on the computer, gaming, writing programs etc, playing the guitar, which they are teaching themselves to play or keyboard, making lego and anything Doctor Who related and sleeping all day.  I have tried staying up to get them to bed but because they share a room (unfortunately due to lack of space) once I leave they talk to the early hours.  I have tried to get them to set timers, plan to do certain tasks at a certain time or as close to as possible but all to no avail.   One of my twins is convinced he has inattentive ADHD but he did broach this with the psychologist and she felt he didn't have this,  They both feel they don't have a problem with social anxiety and don't accept they actively avoid social situations and people.  This is not great for my marriage and my husband now largely ignores me.  He feels I should just force them outside of their comfort zone and do something else.  As I don't agree with this he feels I am a control freak and constantly tells me he as a problem with me and doesn't like my attitude.  The twins have a fairly good relationship with me and talk to me (unlike my husband who they don't seem to be able to talk to) and I worry about their mental health and the impact such forceful behaviour would have on them.  I was bullied at school and had a nervous breakdown and ended up seeing a psychiatrist who advised children should never be forced.  That has always stuck with me and I would hate to destroy any relationship with them by forcing them as at present they trust me not to put them into difficult situations and I don't want to cause them more anxiety and upset.  So I really don't know what to do next.  Any advice? 

  • This sounds like a really difficult situation.  I agree with Catlover about not forcing things.  My situation in my early twenties was rather different, but I think I would also have not reacted well to being forced to do things.  I'm not sure how I would have accepted an ASD diagnosis then.  I was assessed when I was about 22 (and not diagnosed for another fifteen years, but that's another story) and I was open to the diagnosis then, but only because I'd been struggling for years with severe depression and ASD offered a key to understanding that.  I'm not sure I would have accepted it if I couldn't see anything in my life that seemed to indicate anything "wrong" with me.

    Have you had any gentle discussions with them about where they see their lives being in five years' time?  Or the future in general?

  • in reply to Catlover

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.  I know we need to encourage them to do things within their comfort zone and do things at their pace.  I suppose I just wanted somebody else to tell me that forcing them was not the best way to handle them, I think I already knew this but it's nice to hear it from somebody else.  My biggest concerns for them is how would they cope when I am no longer here and how will they cope financially with no income.  That is really why I was trying to get some sort of diagnosis to enable them to possibly be able to claim some sort of benefit to have a bit of financial stability if they are unable to maintain a job, although I know any kind of benefit is hard to obtain.  For now we just keep plodding on.  Last night after my husband went to bed they came downstairs and spent the evening chatting to me.  I broached the bedtimes and they said they wanted me to help them but not force them.  Together we came up with a plan and I got them into bed at 3.30, early by their usual bedtimes.  They are both deaf with hearing aids so I made them take their aids out whilst I was in their room in the hope they won't put them back in and talk all night.  We will see what tomorrow brings!  I know it will be one step forward three back but I do feel at least that by them opening up to me and asking for help that is a massive positive step,  For now we carry on and take each day at a time. 

  • I read this yesterday, and didn’t have the capacity to reply. Same today, but I did want to write a few sentences.

    First of all, if your children aren’t on board with being assessed, it’s best to drop it for now. Diagnosis or not, there’s sadly not much in the way of support. It would be simply be helpful for everyone to find new ways to manage and make life as simple as it can be for everyone (generally speaking).

    Regarding inattentive ADHD, how can the Psychologist know without gathering results from an ADHD qualifying questionnaire? 

    Your children should be encouraged to do things, and explore their comfort zones, on their terms. Forcing them isn’t going to help, and will have them take one step forward, and three back! Stick to your guns, as your husbands idea isn’t the best one.

    Im sorry that this is all impacting on you. Being a mum holding everything together for the sake of the family is hard enough, even without the probable ASD ADHD added extra!