This is the first time I've ever posted on anything like this so please bear with me.
I need advice on how best to help my son. Background: My 8 year old son is going through a referral with his school for possible autism/Adhd. My son shows signs of being autistic, he likes his routine and if we do something that he doesn't expect expect it makes him upset e.g asking to take dog for a walk, he was expecting a morning at home so he refuses to go which means either dad or me needs to stay home or there is a lot of anger and shouting and upset. He is in the early stages of having an assessment at his school so we haven't got a diagnosis to feel in limbo.
The problems we have at home is that he cannot control his emotions and reacts in anger which sometimes becomes physical if he doesn't want to do something or can't have his way.
For example my son struggles with emotional outbursts, and when this happens my husband believes in taking away 'treats' and having to earn them back. I feel it doesn't help and actually escalates the problem and creates further distress for my son. He likes playing on his Wii/hand held console, I have read that for autistic children screen time can help regulate them so I feel threatening to take it away is harming my son. In these situations where we disagree and I give back the screen my husband says this is undermining him and we give into our sons power game. However my son views it as daddy is being mean and doesn't understand him.
Mornings and bedtime are very hard as this is when my son doesn't seem to be able control himself and follow instructions. For example this morning my son didn't want to get ready for school and was fixated on having his tablet back. My husband didn't want to give it back as this would show if he screams and shouts to get his way it reinforces his behaviour to continue. From my point of view my son was getting distressed and wouldn't listen to anything we were asking him because he only wanted the tablet. He was becoming upset and loud and we have another child and I feel this causes her to become upset and confused and she also follows his lead.
Therefore I gave it to him and asked him to get ready for school, after prompting him he did get ready and go to school and there was less shouting so my daughter also had a good morning getting ready for school.
My long winded question is am I going about this the right way or am I wrong and making the situation were by giving in to him, and causing distress or does my husband have a point. I believe traditional parenting doesn't help and that he isn't control when he has his meltdowns, whereas my husband believes in having control and respect and believes he sometime is using his meltdowns to get his way.
Please can I have advice on how to explain to my husband that old style of you do as parents say doesn't work for autistic children.
