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Practical tips for a stubborn 4yo

Liliana81

Hi all, 

My son is pre-diagnosis but after a year of back-and-forth nonsense, finally has a referral for ASD, as picked up by his health visitor and various teachers/nursery staff.

I'm really struggling with certain behaviours at the moment, and would love to get some practical advice on how to deal with them. His latest trick is to simply lie down and starfish, whether that's in the supermarket (which we now avoid as it's over stimulating), in the playground when they're trying to close the gates at the end of school, or on the pavement on the way home from school. He is a big boy and I can no longer simply scoop him up. (I'm 5'2" with a dodgy back!). He's not bribable, he doesn't care what treats/TV shows/toys await him when he gets home. He's not hungry, not visibly upset, these aren't meltdowns as such, often he knows he's being a monkey and laughs in my face. But honestly, he'd be there for an hour if he could get away with it and I feel utterly helpless and sorry for him. It just looks awful when your child's lying on the pavement and honestly, I feel like a failure of a mum. 

Has anyone else had anything similar and found an ingenious way to get through to the child in a meaningful way? 

The other thing is he's regressed on the toileting front and wets himself daily, if not three, four times a day and it is completely draining and I'm tearing my hair out having to wash his pants and trousers every day. He's in night pants in bed but but he seems to "forget" in normal pants, especially when he's in a trance and concentrating on something. Both myself and his dad are struggling with keeping our patience on this one. 

Again, any tips/advice gratefully received. 

Thank you, I'm frazzled. 

  • Sounds frazzling! There might be a few key elements at play here. The neurological difference between the asymmetrical-thinking / socially focused Neurotypical child and the more Symmetrical-thinking Autistic child. The concept of Monotropism is important, and also, intense sensory impact. 

    On one hand, the autistic-wired brain is hyper-sensitive (meaning we cannot dull our senses) and can pick up incredible details, but not easily filter them out. As a child, it's draining and overwhelming. I hate to use this analogy, but this scene with Clark Kent as a child takes it to an extreme. It's a good analogy (though we don't possess super powers) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OATPjlMcRKo

    If given the time and proper help, we can eventually learn to be in a little more control of this, but as a child, too much information - verbal, psychological, external sensory, etc. and we can just give up on life. 

    Some research into this involves how the brain is processing. The symmetrical processing automatically takes in more detailed information. It's also been suggested that then the difference in the beta band oscillations are part of a reason why we can be far more impacted by sensory elements: sight, sound, smell, etc. www.huffpost.com/.../amp

    Monotropism is a third component to this and has to do with focus. When a thing is demanding focus, we can lose the ability to sense internal workings (interception) like needing the loo. https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism

    What might be happening is he's simply had enough of interruptions, an inability to focus, of too much sensory and social information to process and not at all paying any attention to his own needs. He's basically trying to attend to everyone and everything else but himself.

    He may need a bare room and silence and just one toy at a time. And then reminding to finish something to completion and put it back in it's space... in order to remember the toilet. Editing in: I use unscented cleaners and just plain bicarbonate of soda when hoovering up. Never air fresheners or candles - we can really feel suffocated by chemical scents. You may want to see if your lights are buzzing or your LEDs flashing (many of us pick up the high speed of them and it's draining - I have a small table lamp in my sons room with a halogen, which are still legal to buy for those of us with light sensitivity). School is at best draining, and at the end of it if he's given time to let off some steam and then suddenly snatched away from that - interruptions are the absolute worst for us because of monotropism. I have always had to remind my mother to give me 15 minute warnings if she wants to go anywhere when I see her. If we're late, we're late - being rushed always causes more problems. I'm 45 now and embraced that. 

    So, it's not that he's playing a trick on you like a little young sociopath. A majority (if not most) autistic kids don't actually know how to play social games in the least, and are struggling to survive or work out how to connect. Many of us never learn how to formulate social cruelties in a clever way, and don't always work out how to convey our needs or what they even are until we're 30-40. But, we might be good at other things.

    If you've invested in a pair of ear defenders and glasses which block harsh lights, they may help him be open to going places. But it could simply be useful to make his room a place he can unwind in. One colour - bare walls, very few objects (we also have a rock salt lamp which is helpful). This to say, create a space he wants to come home to and be alone in and it may be enough to get him back so he can "starfish" there.