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14 Year old increasingly abusive and violent

NAS77207

Hi,

I am new to this forum and I am looking for advice out of desperation. My eldest of 3 sons, who is nearly 15, was diagnosed with Aspergers 5 years ago. He is socially very good and has 5 or 6 close "normal" friends who he goes out with a lot. His friends are all good, polite boys, and academically bright. They do nice things like go into town together, eat out at restaurants etc. He rarely seems to have any social issues with them. Recently, I enrolled him at the local Gym, and he goes there 3 or 4 times a week to workout and swim. A lot of the time, I can deal with him - he can often talk to me (about superficial things, rather than how he is feeling). I feel that in many ways he has a normal life.

However, he is becoming increasingly aggressive and swearing - a lot. Really horrible words which he directs mainly towards his mum. Sometimes he will direct them towards me. He also smashes things in the house regularly when having meltdowns. There are holes in his bedroom wall. He often bangs his forehead against objects and threatens his mother with physical violence. The police have been called many times to try and make him realise the seriousness of his actions, particularly when he started picking up knives and threatening to hurt himself. At first, this worked, but now he is becoming cheeky and oppositional to the police. Recently, he had his first major meltdown at school, and kicked a glass window out of a door.

I am really, really worried about where he is headed. I lie awake at night and spend a lot of time in a state of panic or upset. On the one hand I love him dearly, but then sometimes he makes me feel like I wish he was in care.

We have been engaged with the social and mental services for year, but they rarely seem to offer any practical support. I am now of the opinion that these forums - and speaking to other parents, is where I will find practical advice.

In summary - my question is - how do I get him to understand how much we are worried about him, and how upsetting his behaviour is to his mother and myself? Whenever I ask him why is so cruel to his mum (usually triggered by very trivial issues) he just shrugs his shoulders and says "I don't know". Last night, for the first time, he told me he hated me and couldn't wait until I died. I am very depressed and don't know where to turn. We have such a lovely relationship with our other 2 younger sons and I feel like I just don't know what to do with our eldest. I am worried he is going to hurt himself, his brothers, or his mother as he gets older.

Parents

  • As others here have already said, there’s most likely something bothering him beneath the surface. Remember that autism is neurodevelopmental, it’s not permanently the same which is why as life goes by some symptoms can become more or less severe.

    I had a similar period to your son, my dad didn’t want to but eventually he had to put me in a care home for the protection of himself and my siblings. I were performing serious behaviours like dissolving my medication in drinks, try to suffocate my sister during the night and like your son using things like knives and scissors. Placed in a care home by myself with two carers was the only option for everyone’s safety including my own.

    This period of violence was a sudden change in my behaviour, the previous day I wouldn’t hit a fly. Then years later after spending so much time in the care home I were taught how to do things like compromising and when I were 17 all the violence vanished and I returned to being the boy who wouldn’t hit a fly and took rules seriously, during my teenage years I felt more disturbed when things were unpredictable, unfamiliar and that I couldn’t be in control. There’s probably an unresolved issue beneath the surface he either can’t explain or is afraid to explain, autistic boys are seen to talk less about their feelings and more about particular topics.

    You’ve got to remember that your and everyone else’s wellbeing and safety matters as well, so if it comes to having to place him in care as my dad had to place me in care don’t be ashamed to do so. Just like I’m not mad at my dad but am actually thankful he placed me in care to learn, your son will likely understand why you had to place him in care.

Reply

  • As others here have already said, there’s most likely something bothering him beneath the surface. Remember that autism is neurodevelopmental, it’s not permanently the same which is why as life goes by some symptoms can become more or less severe.

    I had a similar period to your son, my dad didn’t want to but eventually he had to put me in a care home for the protection of himself and my siblings. I were performing serious behaviours like dissolving my medication in drinks, try to suffocate my sister during the night and like your son using things like knives and scissors. Placed in a care home by myself with two carers was the only option for everyone’s safety including my own.

    This period of violence was a sudden change in my behaviour, the previous day I wouldn’t hit a fly. Then years later after spending so much time in the care home I were taught how to do things like compromising and when I were 17 all the violence vanished and I returned to being the boy who wouldn’t hit a fly and took rules seriously, during my teenage years I felt more disturbed when things were unpredictable, unfamiliar and that I couldn’t be in control. There’s probably an unresolved issue beneath the surface he either can’t explain or is afraid to explain, autistic boys are seen to talk less about their feelings and more about particular topics.

    You’ve got to remember that your and everyone else’s wellbeing and safety matters as well, so if it comes to having to place him in care as my dad had to place me in care don’t be ashamed to do so. Just like I’m not mad at my dad but am actually thankful he placed me in care to learn, your son will likely understand why you had to place him in care.

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