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Lonely mum

NAS75579

Hi,

My son has just been diagnosed last week, for me, it's a sense of relief, it answers a lot and it validates the struggles we've had with him. I've been a stay at home mum since he was born nearly 6 years ago, which has been great but very hard. He is a lovely boy but very high maintenance and can be aggressive and violent, it is really hard work and tiring, and he didn't start talking until he was 3 and his speech now can still sometimes be hard to understand so he needs your full attention all of the time. The diagnosis also comes with a lot of other mixed emotions, and reading the report, especially from school is very upsetting and hard to read. Luckily he is doing really well in school and the school can manage, it is only a very small school. Anyway, my husband won't talk about it, he has made it very clear he doesn't agree with the diagnosis, he doesn't agree with autism in general and doesn't like 'labels'. Which i get, but it is a diagnosis that is made and our son has been diagnosed, its only mild and you wouldn't necessarily know straight away, but it is there and it affects his life. My husband is great in so many ways but this week since the diagnosis, which he won't talk about, he's been very different, not easy to be with and zero patience with my son. We have baby girl as well. I can see times when he creates problems with my son, like asking what he wants for dinner etc, but my son can't cope with choices a lot of the time and gets really upset. A lot of the time when my husband is at work, I just make my son his food, no choice, and that works. He's a great dad but he won't accept the diagnosis, won't change the way he does things etc. Its incredibly difficult for me and very lonely, Luckily I'm close to my parents and my mum is brilliant and they help out loads, but you're meant to be able to talk to your husband and be on the same page when parenting, we're in different books altogether it seems at the moment. Hes great in so many ways and he does everything for us, we're very lucky, but he seems angry with me for seeking help years ago with my son, which has resulted in a diagnosis, but he won't talk so I don't know. I don't know what to do.

  • We sound very similar. Although my husband fully understands and accepts the Autism diagnosis of our 4yr old he still cannot seem to change his behaviour to aid our sons. ( maybe due to his own undiagnosed adhd I feel) my son is very loving but so energetic and he is far too rough with his 1yr old sister. Lately he's also having meltdowns constantly and manic episodes where he can't regulate himself. I feel I am failing him. I spend my days at my mums as I cannot cope alone with my own two children. You are not alone. 

  • in reply to Neomi

    I used to look after autistic boy, that’s why I found out I’m one of the kind too. In the time of struggle, I told him he does not have to be like that, it’s possible he will be like me. His mum gone crazy when she found out, what I said. I told her, you like your benefits more then your soon, then I left. And it was true, as soon as he become 18 he left home

  • Hey hey what’s your name? Hey listen, your husband doing well with your soon. Both of my parents did it to me from 1975 when I was born, in communist Poland. It worked. They had no idea what’s going on back then. They just told me, act normal or you will be locked out. And I fallowed, Im still autistic, but fully ready for life. I can’t thank them enough 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    I want to add, to be a good parent to an autistic child is to be a good parent/ human period. What harm could it do for the father to restructure his interactions with them. We can't change overnight, but the desire to become more aware, reliable, understanding, to want to have integrity and follow-through, a desire to earn trust and really simply just being respectful. In the end, we should always be bettering our selves any way. 

    Children in safe and stable environments only break down if there is an allergic reaction or something severing that space for them to grow. 

  • This sounds really isolating. How old is the father? And I can hear you want to believe the best in others when you say he's a 'great dad'. Because he may have good qualities, but why does he assume to know better than over a hundred years of specialised research which span several fields of study from Psychoanalytical thought to Sociology to Neurology. It sounds like his dismissiveness and possible gaslighting is getting in the way of you being the best mum to your kids right now. Would you be interested in giving the father some time at his parents or out of the house for a few weeks so you can have a break, and refocus solely on these two amazing children? Your job isn't to mother their father. As a mother I've made hard choices for my son (who's much older now). And no regrets in the least. They're the future. 

    It may be wise to compile a list of stellar autistic individuals, as this father needs some fresh perspectives. Chris Packham https://twitter.com/ChrisGPackham, Elon Musk, etc. But again, this shouldn't be your job. 

    Children with autistic brains tend to have heightened senses. And this includes emotional and psychological. They also tend to have trouble with language and symbolic meaning / referencing. And for many, their brain is making a heightened amount of connexions - more than a typical brain. These heightened connexions mean they already have 'too many choices' in their head, too much happening. So adding to them being overwhelmed psychologically by expecting them to make a choice between too many things is not kind. It's ignorant at best. 

    They will pick up emotions and psychological systems of interaction in the house and not be able to understand or identify it properly. So if there are heated emotions, they may be harbouring stress over not being able to understand the situation and at some point they will blow up (melt down) - it will all come out at once. Confusion can also have a freezing effect on the child and hinder their ability to learn. 

    This is why understanding Autism is important. Failure to understand how this particular brain type works results in compounding trauma, by leaving them exposed to what is creating overload (to overwhelming elements), and they can't grow. If children are similar to plants in a nursery, think of autism like an orchid - it's amazing and overly sensitive, but it can collect nutrients from the air! 

    You sound like a Good Mother. Is it possible to create some boundaries to protect your children's well being and their future relationship with their father? He's not doing himself any favours, unfortunately. For instance, if he's at wits end, it's best he call for you and dismiss him self from the situation. 

    NAS75579 said:
    high maintenance and can be aggressive and violent

    Most likely these are responses to his environment. If I re-word these from an different perspective I would say, "he has a system of operation I haven't worked out quite yet (I think I need an operation manual for), and exhibits symptoms of trauma, stress and overload". Feel free to let us know what seems to trigger his stress and overload. There are many autistic adults who might be helpful on this site. 

    On another note, if you've created a protective space for your son -put natural lighting like halogen in his room and his clothes are natural fibres (no polyesters) and it's quiet when he's home and you don't use scented cleaning agents, but maybe a few natural oils (unnatural things can be an assault on their senses - the blue lights in LEDs are proven to hurt the retina's in an infant), and there's no emotional stress, your son will be able to grow into his amazing self.

    We can't know what our children (or ourselves for that matter) our capable of until they are in a safe environment where they can thrive. 

  • Do you know how your husband was a child? If he was similar maybe he has also realised he is also on the spectrum and finding that difficult to process? It often runs in families. If he won’t talk have you tried writing him a letter? He can read it and process it in his own time