Advise and support please

Hi Momma J,

I'm sorry to hear that you have been experiencing some difficulties with your son's behaviour. Individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. There will generally be a reason for this and it is important to try and understand the trigger for the behaviour when developing strategies. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

 You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: 

https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.  They also have an information and support service which you can contact by phone or email – details can be found here: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/for-family-carers/family-support-service/ 

All the best,

ChloeMod

As for school, you may want to go with him and work out what his experience is. Fluorescent lights and LEDs can cause severe migraines/head aches. Chemically scented cleaning agents interact with the gut for a lot of us and cause heartburn. Too much noise and hyperactive others can be so overwhelming we can shut down. If school is creating burnout, he may be tolerating a high level of stress and then releasing it all at home.

OH. Not being able to complete a thing isn't just maddening. Here's the positive side: I can't NOT complete a project, which means I can be trusted by any employer to finish the job and not cut corners - to the smallest detail. Everything I start now, I begin with absolute caution because anything not finished will keep me awake and scream at me from the inside. Autistic individuals don't just encounter hyper sensory 'issues' with lights, sound, taste, touch, but with emotion and psychological engagement. Another positive is we are incredibly reliable. But it can be because we have envisioned and engaged with these matters to where we are bound to them. Once I finish something, though, I can easily move on and perhaps even forget about it. 

For children, here is how to help. 

Children need an exact limit, a clock can be helpful, and allow them to negotiate a verbal contract with you. I can adhere to my contracts once we agree - no, I feel bound to them. For a video game, this means either looking at the home screen and identifying the next few puzzles they are allowed to commit to. If you know they may not be able to win, set a very specific time limit they can identify & maybe write it down in front of them. For a TV show, I would let them know in advance if they will be able to watch the show uninterrupted to the end (even the credits). For a song, If you're listening to something in the car for instance, and nearing home, turn off the sound when the song nearest to the house has finally finished. If you forget, it's helpful to allow them to sit in the car and listen to the end of whatever you're listening to. This practice is also a good discipline for you - the consequence of sitting will help remind you to be more alert to this sort of thing, which can become a tiny micro-bonding element between the two of you. Your child will feel understood and this feeling is a source of building trust for them.

When my son was little, I would let him know in advance - give him warning - if we needed to leave before the programme he wanted to watch would finish. He would always opt to not watch it. "We will have to leave soon and you will only be able to watch some, not all of this. Do you still want to watch it?"

This type of interaction may feel like dealing with a client. And it is actually good to use these measures of engagement with everything. "I want to talk with you. I'm on the phone. I need 10 exact minutes, so when the clock says 18:27, I will be able to listen. Can we talk then?" Always help them feel as though they have the option to say no. This helps them prioritise what is an emergency. Everything else then is not. 

I'm guessing the change has been difficult. Are you able to ride with him once a week and get a bus back? Sometimes putting in a little extra work when they're young to facilitate trust and create exacting  things they can depend on (like cleaning a room with rather than for), goes a LONG way. I mentioned treating them with the kind of respect you would a client, and this is actually an excellent practice as it will affect all your relationships for the better. It will automatically teach them how to respect others as well. 

As for not wanting to do things - apply the same principles as above. Plan in advance, even create a schedule he can see and be involved in. Every Sunday you could plan the week and if you'd like him to help with dishes or other useful things around the house, give him a choice of just 2 things and allow him to pick which he'd like to help with. And then try to do things with him until he let's you know he's 'old enough' to do them without your help. Most likely, he may enjoy feeling part of things and feeling useful and then offer at random. 

His frustrations started when he started going back to school. He has moved from mainstream to a special school also goes to school on transport so it’s been a massive change for him in that sense but home life is still the same. 

He gets frustrated when he can’t complete a game he is playing or if we ask him to do something that he doesn’t want to do. 

thank you for getting back to me. 

There are a collexion of autistic adults who might be able to help here on this site.

Have you changed your environment so he's not dealing with sensory overload? If so, how - perhaps we can advise further. Also, what sort of frustrations are you noticing he's up against. Again, perhaps there are others here who can help, but a bit more specific information would be useful... :)