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What do you do to help your kids with anxiety?

Kingfisher

I have 2 children with autism aged 9 and 11 and I’m just wondering how other parents deal with their kids anxieties? My 2 have a long list of things they fret about. To give some examples my son has a major fear of dogs/cats and weather i.e. wind and rain.  Neither of us can go out at night as they freak out if one of us isn’t here.  I won’t risk it but my husband has been out a couple of times for a pint.  It’s like a military operation to hide it from them. Ring the taxi when they’re asleep and pray they don’t wake up.  Last Wednesday my husband went out for his mum’s birthday meal at 7. Unfortunately this was before they went to bed. We explained it to the kids and they were fine....until he left. The kids sobbed until he came home at 10.  It’s not a problem in the day as we both work so I just think it’s a night time thing. I’ve tried all sorts of methods to alleviate their anxieties but no amount of reassurance makes any difference, apart from trying to distract them with something else. I know anxiety is common for those on the spectrum but just wondered if parents out there have anything that helps their children? I hate seeing them worried and upset. Disappointed 

  • I agree with the counselling, but it is important for children to understand and respect boundaries so they know how to assert them as well when the time comes. 

    It may be best to instigate a routine - husband out on Friday, you out Saturday. Leave and come home exactly as expected. Leave even if your friends cannot meet up. Perhaps your time alone is Saturday afternoon and you can at least go to a gallery or movie. Hang up a calendar, and mark those days each week so they see it every day. Once a month, perhaps you have date night and arrange with a grandparent or the same individual to come over who can allow them their tears. Again, create a very reliable routine. I would attend to this for a set amount of time, like 3 months. If it's easier to commit to every other week, do just that. But make a commitment to self-care and keep it no matter what unless someone is in hospital.

    This will become a vital lesson for them in the future.

    I've gone through many times in my life where I've had to cry through something emotionally difficult. And I just had to sweat those emotions out. Hyper sensory includes emotions, which meant they were extreme. Until I learned the value of creating good boundaries and until I was able to get beyond the consequences of being born in lesser circumstances and practice new perspectives, learn new ideals, the process was simply emotionally draining - and taxing for anyone else involved. But I went through it and things affect me FAR less now because I value self-care, which means I value caring for others, I value boundaries, I can spot abusive patterns, I refuse unnecessary pressures or expectations which might complicate my ability to make a living or affect my livelihood. Things which had a deep emotional impact on me as a child, I either now have the tools to do something about or I simply know how to circumvent heartbreak by making wise choices. 

    Emotions can happen for a variety of reasons. They're the outcome of our perspectives and experiences. They're not bad or good. They're an expression of something deeper which is either misaligned or misunderstood or genuinely sensing something real happening which is bad or good. Sometimes they correlate to other issues in the brain and point to a physiological issue. But I can cry and do the washing up. I can cry and have a bath. I can do whats right in a moment even if it breaks my heart, because eventually I will learn to love letting go and allowing and affording a freedom to those I care about. It won't happen immediately, but crying can be magical, it can be relief, regardless, it is an acceptable form of just being human. 

    Above all though, what needs to be valued is a commitment to earn Trust. Which means becoming reliable to a fault. Never promise. Say yes, or no or give me time to think. Give warnings and follow though. Think fully before making a statement which requires commitment. And always follow through no matter the inconvenience. Parents who practice this mode of being, automatically instil it into their children and will always be afforded room to navigate.

    You may already to all of this, but just some thoughts! :) 

  • in reply to Deleted User

    That's great. Thanks for your help. :-)

  • Hi Kingfisher,

    Sorry to hear you're having problems with you childrens' anxiety. We do have an advice page for parents here on the NAS site about anxiety in children with ASD which you might want to have a look at - https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/anxiety/parents - it goes through some of the possible underlying causes and suggestions on how to reduce the severity of anxiety attacks.

    Hope this is of some help,
    Ross - mod