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School refusal and mental health

NAS68345

My daughter who is 10 years old (she will be 11 next month), refused to go to school on Monday and Tuesday, and thankfully she attended for short periods of time the rest of the week. She has had nearly 8 weeks off due to training days, positive Covid cases within her school (which included her teacher) and a long summer holiday.

I'm both mentally and physically drained by it all. I have a term time only job in a college but I have had to take time off to look after her. I am now suffering from reactive depressive and anxiety as I'm totally exhausted by it all.  I'm now wondering whether to give my job up due to her mental health needs. I am a lone parent but I do have a partner who doesn't live with. Even though he is sympathetic, I don't feel he understands the pressure I am under what with my daughter and my job. 

My daughter's mental health has really suffered since Covid. She has had long spells away from school (I worked from home during the 1st lock down and was recovering from Covid during the 2nd). She has a immense fear of school and found it hard going back to school. Last year's teacher wasn't very supportive and her anxiety seemed to worsen due to her teaching style. The school did not support myself and my daughter at all well and it has had huge implications. 

Her current teacher is very supportive and there is a new SENDCO. Her specialist recommended that e her school should apply for an EHCP, but they didn't! I now feel that I need to start the process as her emotional and social needs aren't being met.

I am finding it really tough at the moment and trying to take each day as it comes. 

  • in reply to Nikki

    Thank you for your kind replay. I am learning a lot  about school refusal and how many autistic people struggle with going to school. She is a highly anxious child and the pandemic has made everything far worse. At the moment, she manages to do just afternoons and is completing work online during the mornings at home. She is still finding this very difficult. 

    I am speaking to her doctor on Thursday to highlight the severity of the problem. I will ask him to refer her to CAMHS but I know the waiting list is high and they aren't always great seeing autistic children. She is on a waiting list to see a psychologist privately but this may begin early next year! 

    Due to her challenging behaviour and regularly meltdowns and problems with her mental health, I am quite likely to hand my notice in. I can no longer work for 18 and half hours plus travel time as I have to support my daughter with her needs. I also have to start at 9, so some days she is suppose to go to breakfast club and she also has to attend after school club to enable me to work. At the moment, this is impossible, as her anxiety is so extreme.  I have spoken to Gingerbread, who say that as i receive DLA (middle rate) for her care and lower rate for mobility I can be her full time carer. Therefore, Universal Credit cannot sanction me or make me look for jobs. 

    I will try to look for a flexible job that I can do at home for just few hours but I need to make sure my daughter is okay before i do this. I think it is going to take a long time to get her back into school full time and regain her confidence. 

    Thank you for your advice about the EHCP. I still want to look into this as I think that's what she needs, as she isn't coping within school. I will talk to the SENDCO about it when i meet up with her, as her doctors and specialist think this is a way forward.

  • Hi there, I can imagine what you are going through. My son was the same in the lockdown.That's when he started having bad meltdowns which required my husband to drop his work and come down to help me calm him down.  His mental health has gone bad and he's not the same boy any more. Everyday feels like groundhog day with a constant struggle to send him to school.  I can imagine how draining this would be to manage on your own. Few schools apply for EHCPs for children who mask in the classroom, as they claim there is no evidence for it. Schools are more prone to apply if the child is disruptive.  But I must say you will have to go in for private OT, EP and SALT assessments for your child if you apply for EHCP on your own. It is an expensive process and can be challenging. SO that is something you need to bear in mind. But you can approach organisations like SOSSEn who can help you. There are also charities that can help with private assessment fees.  There's an article here that gives you a bit of idea https://www.theplightofthesendparent.co.uk/you-don-t-have-to-be-rich-or-clever-to-go-to-tribunal

    With regard to your daughter, I would say there's no point pushing her to go to school if she is feeling so anxious.  Put the onus on school to help her attend. If your daughter is off for long periods, the council will contact you and that's when you need to highlight the severity of the issue, your own situation and the lack of support. You could ask what support is available. Have you applied for disability allowance? if your daughter qualifies for disability allowance then you can claim carer allowance.  I cannot comment on whether you should leave your job, but I am a stay at home mum and it gets very depressing especially since my son has very challenging behaviour. I believe the government has made rules that allows parents with disable kids to take time off or work flexibly. So you might want to look at those before quitting.  Look after yourself xx