I guess it’s unfortunately not possible to delete a post, so I’m replacing it with this. I’ve copied and pasted the helpful parts of the replies into my notes app, but I don’t want these vulnerable thoughts and feelings out in the internet universe for other people to judge. This is the first time I’ve ever posted in an online forum looking for some empathy and I will never ever do it again.
25 hours of ABA a week...no. Just no.
Perhaps instead of focusing on how to erase his behaviours, stop framing him as a burden and embrace and accept him for who he is. Then things might 'get better'. I am a happily married Autistic adult with a full-time job as a primary school teacher. Is that the kind of 'better' you want? Or do you want 'better' than that? If yes then it is possible, sure, but 'success' can look very different for different people. Maybe you should let go of your expectations. Autism isn't a disease or a terrible curse - it's just a different neurotype that needs a different response. Children often don't fulfil their parents' expectations, Autistic or not, but that doesn't mean they don't grow into fulfilled, adjusted people in their own ways. Of course as a parent you're going to worry for your other children, but your comment about your home being happy without him broke my heart. I'll be upfront and say I'm not a parent myself (what with my job I, of course, work with children, including Autistic ones, but I know my role isn't anything like being a parent) but my take on your situation is this: you have a healthy child, his brain just doesn't work in the same way as those of the majority. A little understanding and support in processing and regulating emotions - HEALTHY support, not support from some ABA 'practitioner' who claims that children can be 'cured' or made more neurotypical - goes a long way. Put yourself in your son's shoes...would you really want to go through 25 hours of hard, uncomfortable work a week, knowing that the full intent is to bend you into a more 'normal' person? Life will be overwhelming enough for him as it is; that's why he has 'tantrums'.
Edit: I'm sorry if this sounds blunt...I stand by everything I've said, but I am genuinely sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm going to respond emotively to this as it's an issue that deeply affects me. Many members of the Autistic community disagree with ABA and find it unethical. If you'd like to talk to someone completely non-judgemental and impartial, go to your GP (that is, if you're in the UK) - surgeries offer talking therapies that patients can be referred to quickly and easily. Maybe your getting some psychological help will help you manage the situation with your son.
25 hours of ABA a week...no. Just no.
Perhaps instead of focusing on how to erase his behaviours, stop framing him as a burden and embrace and accept him for who he is. Then things might 'get better'. I am a happily married Autistic adult with a full-time job as a primary school teacher. Is that the kind of 'better' you want? Or do you want 'better' than that? If yes then it is possible, sure, but 'success' can look very different for different people. Maybe you should let go of your expectations. Autism isn't a disease or a terrible curse - it's just a different neurotype that needs a different response. Children often don't fulfil their parents' expectations, Autistic or not, but that doesn't mean they don't grow into fulfilled, adjusted people in their own ways. Of course as a parent you're going to worry for your other children, but your comment about your home being happy without him broke my heart. I'll be upfront and say I'm not a parent myself (what with my job I, of course, work with children, including Autistic ones, but I know my role isn't anything like being a parent) but my take on your situation is this: you have a healthy child, his brain just doesn't work in the same way as those of the majority. A little understanding and support in processing and regulating emotions - HEALTHY support, not support from some ABA 'practitioner' who claims that children can be 'cured' or made more neurotypical - goes a long way. Put yourself in your son's shoes...would you really want to go through 25 hours of hard, uncomfortable work a week, knowing that the full intent is to bend you into a more 'normal' person? Life will be overwhelming enough for him as it is; that's why he has 'tantrums'.
Edit: I'm sorry if this sounds blunt...I stand by everything I've said, but I am genuinely sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm going to respond emotively to this as it's an issue that deeply affects me. Many members of the Autistic community disagree with ABA and find it unethical. If you'd like to talk to someone completely non-judgemental and impartial, go to your GP (that is, if you're in the UK) - surgeries offer talking therapies that patients can be referred to quickly and easily. Maybe your getting some psychological help will help you manage the situation with your son.
I don’t really want to get into a debate about ABA or other things with you. But I’m not trying to mask his behaviors, change who he is, or cure his autism. I’m sorry you had a bad experience with ABA, but I do know it has changed significantly since then.
Posting this was incredibly vulnerable for me and I’ve definitely learned my lesson that online is not the place to be vulnerable. I was hoping for some support, but was mostly met with judgement. And thanks to your comment I will never ever do it again. You made me feel like a terrible mother and person (which it sounds like you think I am anyway). I beat myself up everyday wondering if I’m a good enough mom for my son, if every single decision I’m making for him is the right one. Yes, this post was about me and my feelings — but the most present feelings are trying to do the best thing for him, make him feel comfortable, included, loved, nurtured, at peace, accepted. Everything I do is for him and my other two children. Even then, I never feel like I’m good enough. Thank you for adding to that feeling.
