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My worst nightmare happened again...

ParentingAutism

Hi everyone. Our worst nightmare happened again but this time it escalated and we don't know what to do. Basically you have to understand our whole life to fully understand but I will try my best to describe this. I am crying while typing this. 

Yesterday, our 15 year old daughter went out for a walk, with our permission, and I told her she has 1 hour. She loves exploring and she called me an hour later (2:00) saying she has forgotten about the time and will be back shortly. We had some work mates over for the afternoon and she was excited to see them and she also had to see her dad today, which she didn't want to do. We then got a phone call around 3:30pm saying she was on her way home and I believed her because she is more than capable to get herself home so we all had a drink. 

Later on in the afternoon we were getting worried so we tried calling her but it went straight to voicemail. Around the same time, I got a phone call from the police, saying that they were called by a pub miles away saying that my daughter was over there being looked after my some campers outside the pub. I explained to the police that she can get herself home but they offered to give her a lift so they did. They dropped her off at our local park and she called me saying she'll be home shortly as she's at the park 2 minutes away. She didn't come home. She walked another hour in the dark through the forest back to the pub to the campers where police were called again and took her home. This is where it escalates and it is my fault. 

She was trying to walk away from the house when they pulled up outside so they grabbed her arms and forced her to the front door. I was in bed looking after my other children who were worried but are used to it now, unfortunately. My husband was on his bike on his way home after meeting the police with our daughter. We got her into the house but she took off through the gate and just ran. She was half way down the road by the time police could get out the door. They then handcuffed her where she then kicked the officer and was arrested but later on was de arrested and was placed into the back of the police van and taken into the station while they called social services because she had no where to stay the night. This is when they said her dad's is the safest option so they transported her to her father's. 

So as you can imagine, we are all struggling again and it actually happened the exact time last year. She struggles with the summer holidays. It's just too long. She is really tired because she arrived at her dad's at 3:30 am yesterday. She was out for 7 hours without food and drink and she was cold and she was just loving life, exploring and chilling with campers who fed her and looked after her. I know this makes us sound like really bad parents but you have to be in our situation to understand. It also didn't help that she was experiencing sensory overload yesterday with cars driving past, bright lights, handcuffs, being searched and touched and held, she was pinned to the floor and her body is aching today. She was also kicking the cage door in the police van because it kept banging and making loud noises but they kept shouting telling her to stop. They knew she was on the spectrum and did do their best and kept the lights low and physical touch to the minimum but they had to use handcuffs for everyone's safety. I am really upset that it ended like this and I do blame myself and she blames herself and she is just absolutely exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I don't know what to do now. She's going to be taken off me soon for this. Summer holidays are the worst. She just scarred for life now. She remembers every police encounter she has had and she will never forget them. What do I do? I hate all this. We are such bad parents. 

I'm sorry for going on but I got no one to talk to anymore.

  • The first thing that comes to mind is it might be appropriate to make a complaint about the polices behaviour in this case. This reminds me of the ZH v The Commissioner of Police for the Metropolis case. There doesn't seem to have been an urgent need to restrain your daughter and they knew she was autistic. It would have been easy for them to follow her and ring you to ask your advice about how best to persuade her to return which is essentially what the court said should have been done in the ZH case. #notlegaladvice

  • in reply to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

    Yes, I did put a lot of trust into her and I'm glad she is safe. Her wandering is the biggest issue we have. At school and at home. We know why she does it, too avoid something, to explore and because she's bored. We feel like we are failing her as a parent. It's the summer holidays, she's bored out of her mind. That's why she wanders and will keep walking for miles without realizing how far away she is from home and then doesn't want to return. 

    We try to take her out but my husband works all day so he can't come and help. We have a dog so we have to plan our day around him and can't leave him for too many hours. If we go out for the day, I will have to take my 7 year old son and my 13 year old daughter, if she wants to come, as well as my 15 y.o. My issue is that she doesn't like going out with her brother so won't come on dog walks or shopping, or anywhere she knows she doesn't need to come because we won't be long. 

    I took them all to a farm to see the animals and she went off and did her own thing, which was nice, because she was calm and happy. I gave her a time and a place to meet back for lunch and she came back. It was lovely but it's always a worry taking her anywhere because he mood changes quickly. If something triggers her, she will become volatile, aggressive, verbally and physically and will run off. Now what do I do when I have to keep my other kids safe as well as her because when she's not in a good mood, her thinking goes and she puts herself in dangerous situations? Do I leave her to wander and possibly get herself hurt, lost, kidnapped? Or do I tell her to go home to calm down, upsetting her even more? I hate this. All the worry and nightmares. I'm just a lost parent. 

  • At least you know where she is and she is safe, and at least the campers and the pub workers were decent enough to and call the police out of concern for your daughter, so you would get notified about where she was, and the police tried to drop her home twice, but the concern is that if your daughter wonders and finds the wrong group of people to hang around, that could be a disaster waiting to happen. There are missing people all over the world, and there are families who are still waiting after years and years, for their loved one to be found. 

    I don't know if anything can be worked out between you, your daughter, and her dad, that if your daughter does not want to visit her dad, what kind of options does she have? Does she not want to go to his house right away? Would your daughter like to visit somewhere else with her dad, like eat pizza at a restaurant, or watch a movie, or go to the park, before going to her dad's house? Or does she not like visiting her dad's house at all, and nothing anyone can say or do could ever change that? I think that if something can get worked out so everyone understands each other, then hopefully your daughter will be happier, and things can go from there (like options for where your daughter can go, maybe she can go eat with her dad somewhere, but then afterwards go home to your house, or whatever that would work for your daughter). 

    I think that in your mind, you were so certain that your daughter can find her way home by herself, that you just trust her word on it now, even when she called you and lied about returning home several times, with the intent to avoid going to her dad's house. Even when the police called, you were still certain she could just walk home and didn't need the lift. I have no doubt that your daughter can find her way back home, I mean she found her way back to the campers and the pub, she's a good traveller, but the concern is that she'll lie about returning home and shut off her phone so that no one can find her. I mean that's in no one's best interest, because something bad can happen to her. I'm just glad she's safe in one piece. 

  • in reply to Caelus

    We have looked into it and we can track her from her phone but because she switched it off we couldn't. Thanks 

  • seems a recurring problem of her getting lost and wandering.... have you considered a stealthy hidden tracking device you can perhaps sneak onto her clothing or something? 

    not sure if there is such a thing, but in the modern age you can bet there will be some form of hidden tiny mobile tracking device you can put on her that you can trace her by your phone. it maybe worth looking into... so when she does go for a wander you can know exactly where she is on a sat nav map...