Hi everyone.
(Please excuse any spelling/language mistakes, English is not my first language).
I am new to this site, I'm a single mother (widowed) to a15 year old daughter, who has not yet been officially diagnosed, we are at the very starting point of the process (her asd only became pronounced after she hit puberty, right as we went into the first covid-lockdown), but everything points to PDA (which is not very known in my country), ADHD and elements of Aspergers. She is homeschooled.
Being widowed, I feel very alone with all of this- all the worry and all the fear. At times I feel very overwhelmed, to the point of anxiety attacks and insomnia. It is a feeling of utter hopelessness at times, worrying how she will manage in life. At times I feel so exhausted, it seems my every waking hour is about her, making sure everything gets done. The common denominator, every day, is that everything takes sooooo long. Hour upon hour of coaxing and waiting and waiting and waiting, to the point that I sometimes feel as if my life consists of nothing else. And then on top of that I have part time work (care worker at nursing home) and all the daily chores of our home.
Sometimes it really breaks my heart, when I see everyone around us do well and excel, leaving her behind. When I see my friend's children, moving ahead and being successful and doing good in school and with hobbies, or when I read blogs and articles about other families with asd children and they always seem to have something they are really brilliant at or be really loving and want to cuddle. My daughter does not have any amazing abilities, she struggles with most things, she does not express love through touch, nor verbally and often seems to not care about me at all... which really hurts.
There is one big plus, though- she always seems to be happy and gets easily excited and passionate about whatever she is into at the moment. I'm very grateful for that, even though, in the course of the lockdown, all that attention and passion has become attached to her pc.
I do not really have any friends or colleagues who have any experience with, or knowledge about, asd and so I do not speak much about it, because the few times that I have, they have reacted with "why don't you just place her with a foster family or care facility a few days a week" or something to that extent, and it is so hard for me to explain that even though it is so very tough at times, it does not mean that I want to place her outside the home.
Do any of you ever fall down that dark hole? Where it feels as if the asd takes up all your time and you just feel exhausted?
I'm not even sure what I am asking really, I think it is just a need to unburden to someone who maybe understands.
Thank you, if you read this far, I really appreciate it.
